Without divulging too many details, let's just say that the "outing" to Serendah was........ torrid. Before I knew what was happening, we were hurtling down the long smooth tunnel to substance-induced unconsciousness, enveloped in a cocoon of gluttony and unrestrained stupidity.Oh it was a wild one. First of all, I had absolutely no idea where we were going. My friend - let's call him SkinnyBoy - just told me,"Oh serendah. It's a really nice place. I can't describe it. You have to see it to understand." Any further attempts to elicit details was met with a "diu... you have to see it to understand." or another offer to stuff my gullet with the unbelievable amount of great food available in the Selayang/Kepong area. The first answer was met with no small amount of profanities, but the second one..... well, the second one was a great way to distract. I had the best fucking bak kut teh ever.
All the while I'm thinking: How can Serendah be nice? It's in the middle of a jungle- lowland jungle, to be precise - and I staunchly believed that lowland tropical jungle = mosquitoes + heat + sweat + mess. Last year, I trudged my weary limbs down 30,000 metres of treacherous, muddy, moist, leech-infested, and heartbreakingly lonely jungle in Endau Rompin, and it was so bad it made me, an avowed naturalist and tree-hugger swear off trekking. The prospects for a shack in the lowlands near Ulu Yam didn't look too good, if you know what I mean.
But then he also promised me that he'd bring a wild party-girl friend of his. In his words,"You should meet my friend lah. She's the 'wild-type' one. You should hook up with her. Yeah yeah she's pretty hot. Damn nice body....."
Oh alright SkinnyBoy, but only as a favour to you :)
So the bastard woke me up too fucking early in the morning(because he couldn't sleep), and the first thing he said was,"DIU! She bringing her boyfriend lah. Fuck....." plus a lot of things that really cannot be printed(even on this page, I kid you not). To say the least, I was "a tad annoyed". WildGirl was bringing boyfriend, so I was basically on a jungle trip with 6 strange guys? Oh joy, oh happiness. For some reason the words "sausage-fest" kept appearing in my mind. In no uncertain terms, I gave SkinnyBoy my colourful, expressive, vocal, and very poetic two cents worth, and he could only laugh sheepishly.
As we picked up his friends one by one, the first comment every fucker had when he got into the car was "She's bringing her boyfriend!______!!!" in hokkien(fill blank with expletive). The ensuing conversations between SkinnyBoy and his friends were of a high decibel range, and was laden with lots of "hor lang kan"(let people fuck) and "kan ni neh"(fuck your mum) and "cibai"(cunt) and "lanciau"(dick) when referring to the frustrating situation of WildGirl bringing her other half. It was so funny I almost forgave SkinnyBoy. Later I found out she knew them all since school, and was the resident hot mama that they all openly fantasised about, and was teased about her (amazingly pneumatic) chest.... and other parts........ all the tiime.
So we got to the place. And it really is an awesome place.
AWESOME! I'll have to bring my girlfriend there sometime. Anyway, as you can see from the pictures, it's great. WildGirl was walking up the steps and I was right. behind. her. What a sight. I tell you, I love her from the heart of her bottom.The plan was to have a big cookout that night, with the implicit understanding that everyone was gonna get smashed, as they did every other time they went there. I didn't know that(nobody ever warns me. WTF) and thought that it was just a friendly barbeque. As a result, I was the butt of sissy-boy insults for most of the night for trying to avoid alcohol. Failed eventually, but not before holding out as long as I could.
"Hey SkinnyBoy, I thought you said he could drink? What, is he gay or something?" *sigh*
But before that, there was a massive barbecue. SkinnyBoy even made a fucking fondue on the grill, and to top it off(because everyone was losing control), the guys even called V-Sixer, this huge fat guy who was arriving late, to 'tapau' KFC when he came in. AFTER ALL THAT FOOD!!!! The best part was when he arrived, V-Sixer had bought a BUCKET of fried chicken. 21 hunks of Hot and Spicy batter-covered chicken meat, when everyone was literally having difficulty breathing, from all the tiger prawns and lamb and steak and salmon and sausages they had inhaled.
After complaining about how we were going to burst, what the fuck were you thinking buying a bucket, what the fuck you're the one that called me to buy, how to finish this I just ate a kilo of prawns, etc, etc..... everyone proceeded to drink some beer or wine, and then dug into the KFC. Bloody gluttons.
And then all the drinking and
name-calling and playing pranks on each other started. I sat in a corner quietly trying to avoid alcohol and got called, in chronological order, an idiot, a liar, a homosexual, a liar, and someone who didn't give face(oh I got that a lot), by a bunch of people that I had only met that day. They were downing beers in one gulp and were drinking wine from the spigot. No exaggeration. I considered myself lucky to get away with a beer mug(!!!!) full of wine and two cans of Carlsberg during the barbecue, but then they brought out the brandy and it was chaos. Drinking games then proceeded and the guys got well and truly smashed. I couldn't avoid the games and was forced to down copious amounts of french alcohol too :((((By the end of the night we had:
- fat guy pole-dancing
- lots of shouting
- singing off-key to 80s music
- same fat guy hugging a subwoofer to sleep while drooling and moaning
- drunk people suddenly waking up and inviting everyone to jump into the freezing waters(it had rained earlier) of the jungle pool, then promptly falling back to sleep snoring and moaning.
- barbecued leather sandals
- threats of dismemberment if anyone touched the only carton of orange juice.
- collapsible beach chairs collapsing on people.
- blatant staring(me) at WildGirl, and ignoring her sissy boyfriend who gave me a dirty look.
- vacuum cleaner firing up at 1am. I shall not elaborate.
Damned waste. The lights were out and the stream was tinkling and the rain was just dripping off the leaves and we were curled up in beach chairs sipping coffee and and everyone else had crashed out and there was really romantic jazz music on and she had just admitted that she "was too old to party much anymore heehee"....... Then came loud elephant-stomps down the stairs and lots of dirty looks at me from the antisocial geeky dude, ruining everything. How I wished it was the viking ages. I'd have asked my men to castrate the little sissy.
In short, no heart of the bottom for me. What a loss for WildGirl. Serendah was awesome though. Anyone up for a trip soon?
