Riddle me this.......

I get myself into situations. Effortlessly.

It's Christmas Day.

I'm in a Taiwanese cafe in Subang.

With my groupie and her friend.

Riddle me this - an excerpt from the conversation at our table-:

"..... what's wrong with making black vaginas?!?........"

The truth is out there.

Yeah yeah... when pigs climb trees......

Recently I had the dubious pleasure of meeting a dyed-in-the-wool feminazi with fairy-tale-princess fantasies. Without delving too deeply into details, let's just say that previously, I had ample reason to look forward to meeting her(as I had reason to believe that she was someone who had an Intellect), and expected much more than have my hopes rudely and bluntly dashed.

My hopes of matching wits and engaging in intelligent discourse with a calm, supremely intelligent person were dashed the moment I met her (Just goes to show that nothing counts until you really know someone). This woman was the typical feminazi archetype: She was "not pretty" *cough-cough*, rude and standoffish, had loud, aggresive opinions about anyone and anything, and defended her views with the typical feminazi "all-men-are-sexist" injurious tone, all the while expounding her frankly ludicrous opinions with "I don't about you lah, but I do it like this...."No, moron. You are not the world's foremost expert on life. In fact, you need a huge helping of slap-you-silly, if not thousands of hours of therapy.

I'll refrain from explaining the details of how she scarfed her food and indulged in a gratuitous facial tic that turned me off the moment i met her.But I shall enlighten you on the contradictory, hypocritical views that she held on life and love.

You see, I don't expect much of people I meet for the first time. I don't care if you're ugly, fat, have warts, have AIDS, are shy... I don't even mind if you make jokes or prank me, as long as I know it's in good fun. So when I tell you how off-putting this woman was, trust me, ugh...

While she interspersed her meal with random bigoted anecdotes about how all men are pigs, how they deserved to be punished and "you have to keep them in line" and "i'm a strong woman i don't understand how girls can be submissive" etc etc(remember I was meeting her for the first time), it became patently obvious that she was projecting her insecurities and inherent sexism onto the entire male population, laying blame on the Y-chromosome as the root of all evil.

And then came the kicker, the moron feminazi announced that she was itching for her boyfriend to propose. I tell you, bitches like this reinforce the myth that girls are stupid.

And once again, she was fugly. F....AHHHHH.......GLY! Ugh!

To all you Beemer Coupes, CRVs, Wiralutions and Wajalutions

.....(and situationally unaware Satria GTi's who flash me indignantly after i punish you for riding two lanes)......

....... 21 minutes..........

........from the time I start my engine at Kepong Baru...

..... to the time I open my front door(after parking my car outside the guardhouse, walking in, waiting for elevator) at Court 9, USJ.

..... in an unmodified, 4-year-old Perodua Kancil 660EX.

'nuff said.

Want to Learn something New? :)

Hardly a day passes by when I do not learn something new. However esoteric, irrelevant, or mundane a piece of information might be, I have this clinical obsession to learn and know. It's not the obvious pay-off of being seen as smart that motivates me (of course I thoroughly enjoy it when it happens, although I see it as more fortuitious and "hey-why-the-fuck-do-i-know-this" rather than an obvious result of being educated previously)..... it's just the pure damn joy of learning something new. This isn't the moralistic, judgemental "knowledge makes you happy" that faintly reeks of kim jong-il-style education. Don't you remember? the teachers in school somehow tried to force this idea down the throats of pepsi-cola and chi-ku-pang obsessed kids; I just believe that I'm genetically wired to get a dose of endorphins whenever there's new information written into the fatty cells in my skull (Something New no.1. Of the solid (non-water) matter in the brain, 60% is fat, or lipid). It's weird. I can't explain it to those of you who have the ability to just enjoy the physical, hedonistic pleasures of life without worrying. It's like an obsession - an addiction - that I need to satiate, this single-minded and relentless pursuit of knowledge. I don't consciously realise it, but as I analyse it now while I'm typing this post, each small datum and each small piece of information is merely one in a train of many that builds knowledge and inexorably, inexhaustibly drive me towards even more. It's a bit scary, actually.

You can ask my mum about my obsession with knowledge. I was addicted to Sesame Street and The Electric Company as a toddler, DEVOURED encyclopedias and messed around with so much Lego and Lasy when I was a pre-schooler, read and re-read dinosaur and fish books, rambled on and on to my dad about astronauts and Rube Goldberg machines when I was four, reprimanded him when he mixed up stegosaurus and tyrannosaurus, huddled in corners all my childhood with any piece of reading material(Roald Dahl, Enid Blyton, Reader's Digest, The Arabian Nights, cereal boxes, fighter jet clippings, Aesop's Fables, Classic fairy tales etc) and spoke using chapelang english and intentionally wrong grammar to fit in with how everyone spoke while hoarding an inordinate, weirdly Calvin-esque vocabulary. This is the one piece of societal pressure that I will forever capitulate to, crappy conversational English... until this very day. I silently laugh whenever my dad severely informs us that the use of "one"(as in "that one whose book?" "My one") is an absolutely abhorrent practice. He gave me the impression that it ranked right up there with farting during a formal dinner as things that shouldn't be done. Mum says I spoke tamil as a kid, because my nursemaid when young was 'akak Rani, an Indian lady who could speak only Tamil and broken malay.

So anyway, wanna know what I learnt today? Sit back and enjoy, for I have compiled the weird funny things that have entered my brain today, for my amusement and for your enjoyment(remember I hold no responsiblity for the veracity or verifiability of statements below. Don't blame me for anything that happens as a result of reading what I post below):

Something new no.2: The candiru(from wikipedia): "Tiny freshwater fish found in the Amazon River and has a reputation among the natives as the most feared fish in its waters, even over the piranha. known to grow to a size of 6 inches in length and is eel shaped and translucent, making it almost impossible to see in the water. The candiru is a parasite. It swims into the gill cavities of other fish, erects a spine to hold itself in place, and feeds on the blood in the gills, earning it a nickname as the "vampire fish of Brazil". It is feared by the natives because it is attracted to urine or blood, and if the bather is nude it will swim into an orifice (the anus or vagina, or even in the case of smaller specimens the penis—and deep into the urethra). It then erects its spine and begins to feed on the blood and body tissue just as it would from the gills of a fish. As the fish locates its host by following the water flow from the gills to its source, urinating while bathing increases the chance of a candiru honing in on a human urethra. There has been a confirmed removal of a Candiru from a man that survived an attack by the fish. Upon removal the fish was measured to be 134mm (5 1/2 in) in length. The fish jumped out of the water to enter his urethra following the trail of urine(!!!!!!!!) "
Oh yeah. Fun. Are you enjoying the goose-pimples yet?

Something new no. 3: Facts about HIV and AIDS. I read about, but won't bore you with proteases, integrases, macrophages, reverse transcriptase, T-cells, CDT count etc etc. However, here are a few intersting facts about the disease that you might not know:

• 15% of all Africans have AIDS(that's 1 in 7!)
• Official numbers say 1 in every 400, but my friends and I think it's closer to 1 in every 100(because of unreported cases) Malaysians have HIV/AIDS.
  
• In the US, almost half of all new infections were attributed to gay men and black men(in other words, it sucks to be gay and black in America)
• Babies can get HIV through breastfeeding from their infected mothers.
• Even though 9000 out of every 10000(9 out of 10) transfusions of HIV-infected blood resulted in new infections, only 67 out of 10000 cases of sharing infected needles(drug use) resulted in the same.
• There is something called nPEP(Post-Exposure Prophylaxis). If someone were exposed to an HIV source(usually needle-stick injuries in medical personnel), they give them anti-retroviral drugs as soon as possible(up to 24 hours but ideally within 1 hour) for 28 days and in many cases the injured medical personnel isn't infected.
  
• Yes, you CAN get AIDS by giving or receiving oral sex, although the infection rate is 1 in 10,000(assuming no condom use, which I don't think anyone does)
• The infection rate for penile-vaginal intercourse is 10 in 10000 exposures, assuming no condom use. This reduces to 1.5 per 10,000 exposures with proper latex condom use. So all you fuckers out there(pun not intended), please for fucking godsakes put your prudishness, self-consciousness and organised-religion-induced restrictions aside and use a fucking rubber. If you want to die while "believing" and "obeying" your God, go ahead, as long as it's just you. But some of you are fucking hypocrites who will have sex with many people while protesting to your partners that your religion does not allow you to use birth-control. which brings me to....

Something new no.3: Facts about condoms.

• There's a place in France called Condom. Gives new meaning to the phrase "French Cap". Poor Condom-ites. They'll be laughed at anywhere else in the world... or in France for that matter.
• Condoms ARE NOT FOOLPROOF. Method failure(proper and consistent use but still pregnancy happening) is 2%. All you couples that have fucked 49 times and aren't pregnant.... better stop fucking :) Seriously though, get this fact and swallow that big lump in your throat, all you players and player-ettes, actual effectiveness(condom intended as sole form of birth control, but includes couples that use wrongly or sometimes not at all) is only 85%. That means a 15% failure rate in actual use! My humble advice is please please please please learn how to use a condom correctly and consistently. Stop blushing, morons! I'd rather be embarrassed than pregnant, if you get what I mean.
• There is a thing called a collection condom, a special rubber for collecting sperm in infertility treatments and something else called a femidom, a female condom.
• The Filipino(largely Roman Catholic) government refuses to promote condom usage or pay for their distribution. In some places, health workers are even banned from discussing them; Sales of condoms outside pharmacies was only legalised in Ireland in '93; Condom usage and sales is banned in almost all Somalia.
• The British SAS carry condoms as a method for carrying water in emergency survival situations.
• Navy SEALS have used doubled condoms, sealed with neoprene cement, to protect non-electric firing assemblies for underwater demolitions - leading to the term "Dual Waterproof Firing Assemblies."

Something new no.4. Facts about eyes, contacts and intra-ocular lenses:

• Contact lens users, before you insert the lenses, you not only need to wash your hands with soap, but more importantly(and I read this with great concern), soap that does not contain fragrances or moisturisers.
• KERATITIS is a rare disease where amoebae(Acanthamoeba) invade the cornea of the eye. Can cause blindness. Almost always associated with contact lens use. That's why you should never let your contact lenses touch tap water. EVER.
  
• They make contact lenses for your Old Man. Far-sighted ones. Hehe. Oh and even better, they make bifocal and multifocal ones too. *stifles laughter*
• Intraocular lens insertion is the most common eye surgical procedure. It's mostly to correct cataracts, but also(very interestingly) to correct extreme myopia, hyperopia, and astigmatism in cases where LASIK cannot be performed.
• They use a rolled up lens made of acrylic or silicone that unfolds after inserted through a small incision in the eye. This lens cannot change it's curvature, and so distance vision is good while reading glasses are needed for close vision. There is however a new lens whose position can be changed by the ciliary muscles of the eye, allowing natural focusing.
• There are 3 sorts of tears, believe it or not. Not all of them lubricate the eye.
• There are contact lenses used to deliver drugs to the eye.
• saline solutions do not cleanse contact lenses, and are only used for rinsing.

Something new no.5(non-geeks please skip this section)........... Oh never mind, you would all be bored to death by my enthusiastic descriptions about the Large Hadron Collider and how it will hopefully bring about another renaisssance. Here are some interesting facts(put simply) for the MTV-instant-gratification generation:

• It costs more than US$8 billion.
• One detector, the Compact Muon Solenoid weighs 12,500 tons, and is used to detect particles(PARTICLES!! That's a few 10's of something that's smaller than an atom!)
• More than half the world's particle physics scientists are involved in some way or the other.
• The most beautiful sentence I've read today:"Some researchers dub these particle accelerators the cathedrals of modern science: complicated, beautiful and an expensive testament to faith in a reality that transcends our everyday experience."
• Here's something to make you go "You're a nerd and I'm bored already. I shall now deride your superior intelligence with a raised eyebrow and make fun of you when in fact I lack the brain cells to understand what you are talking about": You know what's a quark? How about an electron? Or W and Z particles that make up the weak nuclear force(we're not talking about Pakistan and India)? How about supersymmetry? No? Well, the particles have a cosmic partner called respectively a squark, a selectron, a wino and a zino. Yay.

Other things new: hugo chavez, hypoxia, swedish bikini team, final destination books, el laberinto del fauno. Search for them on wikipedia if you're interested. It's late and I need my sleep. Hope you had as much fun as I did. Cheers!

When Love(knee cartilage) and Hate(pelvic bone) Collide

Andrew, the 19-year old chimpanzee-genius of a basketball player recently returned from Australia. I hadn't seen him in almost a year now so we were understandably happy when we got to play together yesterday.

Unfortunately, while he was marking me, his knee bashed into the small of my back, right on my pelvic bone. Usually it would have been a rolling-on-the-floor-in-agony experience, but the rush of adrenaline from getting the layup probably deadened the pain then(Even though right now it hurts like a fucking bitch, like somebody whacked my back with a hammer). But when I turned around, I saw Andrew hobbling around grabbing his knee, and I couldn't resist jibing him.

"Oi Andrew! Fucker! Knee my ass for what? Damned pain! I know lah all you damned virgins not getting any action...."

The funniest thing is he went,"WHAT?!?!??! You ass-ed my knee lah!!!!" *hobble hobble*

Penniless and Broke

For reasons I shall not bore you with, events conspired this weekend to leave me with only RM35 to spend, for the entire weekend(that's Friday night until Monday morning), and with no way to access my funds in the bank. John from Klang whose pictures I look at while wanking (GOTCHA JOHN!!!!!!!!!! NO WAY TO RUN FROM THE GAY-NESS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!) - sorry about that. My friend John is slightly homophobic and I take every chance I get to make him feel as nauseous as possible - offered to buy me dinner... but I want to see if I can get through the entire 3 days without having to take cash from anyone, as an experiment in frugality and discipline. I had 52 ringgit late on Friday night..... but I couldn't resist cajoling the Black Ghost and Bryan to go to Kepong for Bak kut teh. So that's 17 ringgit gone. Discipline...... yeah right.

But then, I haven't spent a sen all day now, and it's 5.41 PM on Saturday. I've skipped breakfast on account of eating a huge portion of pork ribs in herbal soup until 3.30AM in the morning, lunch(cause I'm being a cheapskate), and I've only been munching on the muesli in my kitchen cupboard. And by munching I mean shaking the jar violently until the almonds and raisins rise to the top, and then picking them off one by one while watching Prison Break, ignoring the inevitable day when I'll have to eat plain muesli(yuck) and milk when I've finished all the nuts and raisins and all the good stuff.

As I laze in bed with the air-conditioning on full-blast and my laptop on my lap, I'm wondering if I have the discipline to not blow all my cash(wow, ALL your RM35!!! So much!!) and take up my friends' offer of ready cash. I think I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms from not partying yesterday night. All the scratching, twitching, and general irritability will probably be exarcebated by the fact that I'm not going to be partying tonight too. I've had no less than 4 phone calls by 9 this morning by people waking me up and wondering what I have planned for them tonight, and why haven't I called them yet since it's already Saturday morning.

The first sms this morning: "Yo. Any pussy plans tonight? :)"
The first msn msg today: "Yo apa buat? Got what plans for later?"
The first phone call today:"Oi! Where are you? Tonight party where? Why never call me?"
The last phone call I got: "hallo? Ei go out lar tonight!............. Go where??!?! How the fuck I know! You tell me lah!"

They've generally reacted with long pauses followed by hurt and confusion when I tell them I plan to do absolutely nothing. I imagine them standing around in a crowd, like the 4400, looking confusedly around wondering where they are and what they're doing...

...... and I think it's absolutely hilarious. The best part is when I act stupid and say,"Dun have ah. Call me if you got anything lah. Bye."

But you see, I really do need more than RM35. What for?

1. Haircut. My botak head just grew out, and although it's all nice and fuzzy like a rambutan, I want to look less like a fruit and more like a well-groomed gay dude.
2. Phone. I'm left with less than 80 sen worth of prepaid credit, and I had no idea until midnight yesterday when I got hit by the warning msg.
3. Dinner, supper, breakfast, lunch, dinner and supper again.
4. Gotta reload my touch 'n' go card. I like to put RM200 in everytime, saves me the trouble of reloading so often.

I hate being poor. I will work hard to make money to feed my family and provide them with a comfortable life! (cue corny "inspirational" japanese tv-series music)


.........Hey I just thought of something! People still owe me for the last few rounds of partying and I'll be seeing them tonight! MUAHAHAHA I guess this weekend will work out after all. Bye guys! I'm off to dinner!


XOXOXOXOXOXO
Khai Tzer

This crazy crazy life

Life is good. No. Life is great. I'm enjoying myself more than I have in a long long LONG LOOONNNNNG TIME!

Athletes talk about being in "the zone", that physical and mental place when everything falls into place for you to perform at your peak, in perfect peace and with perfect confidence. I've felt that before, that rare feeling of controlled euphoria when you can do no wrong, when every shot whooshes, every lay-up is indefensible, and you see the game like Jordan does......

I'm living life very close to The Zone now, and I can only see it getting better from here.

• -At the age of 24, when most people don't make many close friends anymore, I have inexplicably, very fortunately met a few new friends - Great friends - people that I would trust my life with and die for to protect. Previously I accepted that out of the hundreds of new people I socialise and meet with in a year, one true friend was a great achievement. In '99 it was Chun Fee, in 2000 it was Hooi Koon, in 2001 it was Sheng Wai. In 2002 it was Erlend and Liv-Mari, in 2003 it was Benny, in 2004 it was Hang, and miraculously this year, I met the few fuckers who play basketball with me.

• -I've grown up so much recently, without becoming too cynical about life. Unlike the frustration and anger I felt when I first lost my innocence and idealism, this time the lessons about life only served to open my eyes about the intricacies of being a social animal, and allowed me to bask and revel in the sheer bliss that is life.

• The wild, crazy, impossible, virtually surreal nights at the un-likeliest of locations that is Beach Club earlier this year with my brothers. Incredible things happened, things that still leave me wide-eyed and slack-jawed with incredulity whenever I reflect on them. More crazy than what happened is the realisation that what happened was so important because they were great lessons about life. I haven't internalised yet what I did, and was capable of doing, and I relish the moment when it all sinks in.

• My social life just exploded, and after all those years of suppressing myself in my teenage years (a combination of parental restrictions, dumb belief in the sanctity of certain social expectations, financial inability, and a shy inner self), I can finally enjoy myself, truly. No need to pretend to be "cool"(WUAHAHAHHAHA), and ironically, now when I can more than afford it, I've learnt that there's no need for lots of money too.

• I have a place that I can really call home. A place that I love and enjoy and come back to whenever I need peace and alone-time. It's a warm, cozy place that makes me happy.
  

• Long-standing personal milestones achieved. I'm also on my way to seeing my sex... uh, six-pack again(operative word "again" woohooooo) ;)
  

• People who don't have to love me, do. I'm touched beyond comprehension.

• Developed the ability to say no. It feels so fucking great. I feel like a two-year old who just learnt how to say "no" again. It's so fucking fun you can't imagine. You go "no" and then things that you don't want to happen........ don't happen. Magic!!
  

• Also honed the ability to not give a flying fuck. Previously it was controlled by my emotions, but now, I just don't give a flying fuck. It's verrrrrrrry liberating. You should all try it. Girls, it gives you character(character = sexy to smart guys), and guys, it gives you lots of hot women. Yes, hot women are crazy... but I still love them.
  

• Helping someone in need really does make you happier. Effecting change in a situation where you can assist someone immensely by doing something that requires little effort gives you a warm fuzzy feeling inside. It could be something as simple as hooking up two shy friends who like one another *coughcoughhobbitcoughcough*

• Saying no to the wrong sort of women, no matter how hot they are, gives you a sense of self-belief and discipline beyond the usual male posturing and braggadocio. Guys(and girls), remember, it's not worth it when it's wrong. Instant gratification belongs to animals...... and should only be indulged in when there are no long-term consequences that might shorten your life and your sanity(i.e. psycho bf/gf, STDs and unwanted pregnancies,
  parang-wielding over-protective family members, or a potential mate's sibling that's obsessed over you)

I could go on some more, but it's late, and I bet you're bored reading about this amazing life, But watch this space. This crazy crazy life is only going to get even crazier and more beautiful. I love you all.

Opulent Minimalist!

Guess who has a new couch, a new shaggy rug, and a new apartment? :)

Pranked!

For anyone interested in my mundane(snicker snicker), run-of-the-mill(mmmpgh!!), boring, normal(WUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAH) life, I've been moving house the past 2 weeks. I shall not excite you with how I converted a fluorescent lamp-infested apartment into an avantgarde, stylish bachelor pad(pictures will be up soon if you're not invited to the housewarming) when I can bore you with stories about how paint dries.

No, I am being serious. I am going to tell you a story about how paint dries....

....... specifically, spray paint.

You see, there exists in my life these two fellows that I happen to love very much. Even though I've known them for less than a year, they're like brothers to me. One goes by the innocent moniker of Bryan, and the other by the vaguely AhBeng name of Botak.

Now, my apartment is painted in a very soothing light blue. It's different from the typical whitewashed wall, and I like it that way. Somehow, Bryan got it into his mind that I was in love with light blue. So he got a fucking can of spray paint, called Botak along, and decided to spray my grille light blue. It's like a switch got thrown in his head and he suddenly thought,"Hey I have a can of light blue spray paint. Khai Tzer likes light blue. Therefore, I shall spray his grille light blue. It will look absolutely horrendous I know, but Khai Tzer will love it. I think it's a good idea. In fact, let's just spray the side of the grille facing outside, and....... Oh fuck it, let's just have fun and just see what happens when we spray....."

So the blissful duo(Bryan and Botak) come to my house one fine day when I'm not home and spray half of my grille blue. They ran out of paint because it was too fun just aerosol-ing the paint around. I came back surprised and quite amused at the effect it caused. I wanted the outside of the apartment to look run-down(so as to not attract attention), and a touch of blue paint on the enamel-cream looked the part.

But today, the blissful duo again came hand-in-hand with a can of blue paint - again while I was not home - and aerosoled pieces of the grille again. "Wah got effect like clouds like that.... some white some blue...", Botak coo-ed in love and enjoyment while we were out yum cha.

"WHAT THE FUCK!!?!??" I thought to myself. Don't tell me they came to spray the fucking thing again......

I drove home dreading how my grille would look like. My heart sank in despair at seeing the horrible shade of milky blue that engulfed a previously normal-looking grille. And it DID have a cloud effect(oh dear god its horrible).... The best part came as I was alternately cursing them and admiring their genius at pranking me like this while sweeping the floor of all the excess spray paint that had dried and turned my marble floor a horrible shade of blue. Bryan called me.

"OI leng zhai or not your grille? Lengzhai(cantonese for "handsome") or not?!? Lengzhai or not?!?!?*giggle giggle giggle*"

"Of FUCKING COURSE NOT LA!!! BRYAN YOU BASSSSSSSTARD!!! #*@&#!!!-ING BETTER BRING A FUCKING CAN OF WHITE PAINT FOR ME I HAVE TO PAINT THE @#$-ING GRILLE AND THE WALLS. cccciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-BAI!!"

"WUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH!! ok ok I get you your paint *giggle giggle*"

But it was a good prank. Check out the hilarious results:by the way, the fuckers just sprayed it from the outside with no regard for how it would look as a whole. It ended up looking like some loan shark had come to deliver a warning for late payment.

How can anyone not love it if someone left patches of splotchy blue paint on your wall as they sprayed (only) the outside of your grille. I love my brothers. *muaks*

Here's two thousand words......

Beauty is rare and fleeting, but when it's there, it's THERE. For a single stitch in time, every single one of your senses is left tingling, and you can almost hear the angels sing. I caught two such moments.

Dawn, at home in Kekayaan.



Noontime, Kekayaan.

Who are you?

Alright, who's the person secretly topping up my handphone credit? Come on now, it's starting to freak me out, because 10 bucks a day is 300 bucks a month.

If you're a friend who means well, I thank you, but there's no need. I already love you and I have plenty of my own money.

If you're a girl that's interested in me, please stop. My affection cannot be bought. Try asking me out. I'll almost always say yes.

If you're a guy that's interested in me. Please stop. And tell me who you are, so I can give you back your money.

If you're trying to get back in my good books, then by all means continue doing it. You'll never get back in my good books once you're off. But on the upside, I have 300 bucks extra a month. Better one person happy than none.

If you're one of my brothers and this is a prank designed to drive me nuts..... you bastards, when I catch you, you're gonna have my foot so high in your ass you'll be coughing up my shoelaces.

Worth a thousand words

Another bored and hot(but beautiful) evening at home in the estate. What to do? Go out walk walk take pitcher loh. This time I decided to take a walk down to our huge nursery and see what I could find.Look closely. Check out the two strands of spider silk attached to the flower.

Sundance Festival, Bukit Tupai

Coconut Tree

Industrial Strength*updated*

There's a new palm oil mill up. These pics will go into my "industrial" collection. Enjoy:--
the mill from far *new*

steam*new*

Hot List *updated*

1. Minishorts, weblogger.
For having the intellectual equivalent of an iron fist in a velvet glove, paired with a singular, elegant prose that hypnotises with its simplicity and understated power.

2. Jaclyn Victor, singer. *newly updated*
For her soaring voice that gives me the shivers, for being friendly, and for being so sizzlingly sexy I almost burst into flame just standing beside her. Women so hot shouldn't be allowed to wear tight yellow singlets with "Brasil" on the back. World Cup be damned. Singing talent aside, she's gorgeous. Surprisingly gorgeous enough to warrant crude loutish sexist comments that ignore her singing talents.

Fuck James Blunt!

How in the hell did a scrawny, scruffy, creepy-looking Englishman end up singing every real man's secret song of heartbreak? And so fucking brilliantly too. Every soulful, measured piano chord, every nuance of piano or forte, every beautiful, brutally honest word translated into song - all projected by that uncannily melancholy voice - tears apart the long-healed scars left behind on your heart by great loves past and allows the blood of emotion to flow freely once more, at least for as long as the song is played.

It's sacrilegous how James narrates how every boy and man feels after every breakup. Doesn't the idiot realise that in the midst of the heart-rending sobs, swollen eyes, and pitiful wailing from your girl, only your stoicism and cold-hearted poker-face gives you a semblance of respect and dignity? No matter what, the girls must never ever know that you hurt so badly that it aches physically, that you feel like vomiting, that the frustration and sadness welling up inside is close to drowning you, that you eventually break down sobbing like a little girl anyway, only in private, alone, deep in the night when everyone else is asleep, and you feel more alone than the last man on earth. Only the knowledge that she believes you're a cold-hearted bastard could keep the shards of your broken soul together.

But now this idiot has gone and ripped the anguish that every man that has loved and lost harbours - every fiercely-hidden drop of sorrow and anger and frustration - and laid it bare for every girl in the world to see. It's so honest he even goes "goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend......" The love of your life will no doubt have been your best friend, something even more significant than just being your lover. He knows. Oh he knows alright.

What a bastard. What a brilliantly talented, immensely soulful bastard...

My Mamak Name

Irrelevance. Lame-ness. Stupidity. All words that can be used to describe the existence of the 'mamak name'. It's a feature unique to members of my late-night supper club, the usual suspects who haunt The Chick Showroom, i.e. Tanjung, our regular mamak shop at USJ9.

Regular readers might remember Dass, the friendly waiter and purveyor of breast-roti-canai in the classic post "Prank of the Day". I neglected to mention that Dass doesn't call us by our real names, largely because Botak(in a fit of inspired madness) proudly proclaimed himself "Keanu" when Dass first asked us our names. In the same breath, Botak cackled loudly while rattling the loose screws in his disjointed brain, and announced to Dass that my name was "Zung". And Zung I am till this day. We got used to our farcical alter-egos after a while, and it's still a great laugh whenever someone new joins us for supper and looks quizzically at me after Dass calls my name.

"Hah? What he call you ah? Zu....... what?!?" BotakKeanu and I inevitably crack up in manic laughter.

That was a few months ago. Recently the supper club swelled to include Johel, Bryan and Shaun. Johel is slightly rotund, and so he became "Gimu", short for "Gemuk". Shaun, who is short and stout, was christened "Hobbit". It's funny enough when you recognise the obvious reason we gave him the name, but it's hilarious whenever you hear an Indian national - who has probably never watched Lord of the Rings - call Shaun.

Botak will go,"Das! Apa nama dia? Apa nama dia?" while pointing at Shaun and grinning like an idiot.

"Uh....ah...... *thinks hard*........ Ah! Wuobbit!"

Priceless.

But the best name was reserved for my good friend Bryan, a huge guy who weighs 120 kilos and hates it when ppl call him fat. So of course I have to insult him about his weight all the time, even though I usually never pick on fat ppl. Just because it's so funny getting a rise out of him. But anyway, in the grand tradition of Zung and Keanu, which were plucked out of thin air, we gave Bryan a name that would be immortalised in etymological folklore.

I told Dass,"nama dia Veji-lah."
Das said,"hah? veji-ah?"
I said,"Ya ya. Veji. Veji Nah."
"Wuoh! Veji nah! *gives thumbs up sign* wuokay wuokay!"

And that, my friends, is how Bryan came to be known as "Vagina".

Hedonism...... again!

Without divulging too many details, let's just say that the "outing" to Serendah was........ torrid. Before I knew what was happening, we were hurtling down the long smooth tunnel to substance-induced unconsciousness, enveloped in a cocoon of gluttony and unrestrained stupidity.

Oh it was a wild one. First of all, I had absolutely no idea where we were going. My friend - let's call him SkinnyBoy - just told me,"Oh serendah. It's a really nice place. I can't describe it. You have to see it to understand." Any further attempts to elicit details was met with a "diu... you have to see it to understand." or another offer to stuff my gullet with the unbelievable amount of great food available in the Selayang/Kepong area. The first answer was met with no small amount of profanities, but the second one..... well, the second one was a great way to distract. I had the best fucking bak kut teh ever.

All the while I'm thinking: How can Serendah be nice? It's in the middle of a jungle- lowland jungle, to be precise - and I staunchly believed that lowland tropical jungle = mosquitoes + heat + sweat + mess. Last year, I trudged my weary limbs down 30,000 metres of treacherous, muddy, moist, leech-infested, and heartbreakingly lonely jungle in Endau Rompin, and it was so bad it made me, an avowed naturalist and tree-hugger swear off trekking. The prospects for a shack in the lowlands near Ulu Yam didn't look too good, if you know what I mean.

But then he also promised me that he'd bring a wild party-girl friend of his. In his words,"You should meet my friend lah. She's the 'wild-type' one. You should hook up with her. Yeah yeah she's pretty hot. Damn nice body....."

Oh alright SkinnyBoy, but only as a favour to you :)

So the bastard woke me up too fucking early in the morning(because he couldn't sleep), and the first thing he said was,"DIU! She bringing her boyfriend lah. Fuck....." plus a lot of things that really cannot be printed(even on this page, I kid you not). To say the least, I was "a tad annoyed". WildGirl was bringing boyfriend, so I was basically on a jungle trip with 6 strange guys? Oh joy, oh happiness. For some reason the words "sausage-fest" kept appearing in my mind. In no uncertain terms, I gave SkinnyBoy my colourful, expressive, vocal, and very poetic two cents worth, and he could only laugh sheepishly.

As we picked up his friends one by one, the first comment every fucker had when he got into the car was "She's bringing her boyfriend!______!!!" in hokkien(fill blank with expletive). The ensuing conversations between SkinnyBoy and his friends were of a high decibel range, and was laden with lots of "hor lang kan"(let people fuck) and "kan ni neh"(fuck your mum) and "cibai"(cunt) and "lanciau"(dick) when referring to the frustrating situation of WildGirl bringing her other half. It was so funny I almost forgave SkinnyBoy. Later I found out she knew them all since school, and was the resident hot mama that they all openly fantasised about, and was teased about her (amazingly pneumatic) chest.... and other parts........ all the tiime.

So we got to the place. And it really is an awesome place. AWESOME! I'll have to bring my girlfriend there sometime. Anyway, as you can see from the pictures, it's great. WildGirl was walking up the steps and I was right. behind. her. What a sight. I tell you, I love her from the heart of her bottom.

The plan was to have a big cookout that night, with the implicit understanding that everyone was gonna get smashed, as they did every other time they went there. I didn't know that(nobody ever warns me. WTF) and thought that it was just a friendly barbeque. As a result, I was the butt of sissy-boy insults for most of the night for trying to avoid alcohol. Failed eventually, but not before holding out as long as I could.

"Hey SkinnyBoy, I thought you said he could drink? What, is he gay or something?" *sigh*

But before that, there was a massive barbecue. SkinnyBoy even made a fucking fondue on the grill, and to top it off(because everyone was losing control), the guys even called V-Sixer, this huge fat guy who was arriving late, to 'tapau' KFC when he came in. AFTER ALL THAT FOOD!!!! The best part was when he arrived, V-Sixer had bought a BUCKET of fried chicken. 21 hunks of Hot and Spicy batter-covered chicken meat, when everyone was literally having difficulty breathing, from all the tiger prawns and lamb and steak and salmon and sausages they had inhaled.

After complaining about how we were going to burst, what the fuck were you thinking buying a bucket, what the fuck you're the one that called me to buy, how to finish this I just ate a kilo of prawns, etc, etc..... everyone proceeded to drink some beer or wine, and then dug into the KFC. Bloody gluttons.

And then all the drinking and name-calling and playing pranks on each other started. I sat in a corner quietly trying to avoid alcohol and got called, in chronological order, an idiot, a liar, a homosexual, a liar, and someone who didn't give face(oh I got that a lot), by a bunch of people that I had only met that day. They were downing beers in one gulp and were drinking wine from the spigot. No exaggeration. I considered myself lucky to get away with a beer mug(!!!!) full of wine and two cans of Carlsberg during the barbecue, but then they brought out the brandy and it was chaos. Drinking games then proceeded and the guys got well and truly smashed. I couldn't avoid the games and was forced to down copious amounts of french alcohol too :((((

By the end of the night we had:

• fat guy pole-dancing
• lots of shouting
• singing off-key to 80s music
• same fat guy hugging a subwoofer to sleep while drooling and moaning
• drunk people suddenly waking up and inviting everyone to jump into the freezing waters(it had rained earlier) of the jungle pool, then promptly falling back to sleep snoring and moaning.
  
• barbecued leather sandals
• threats of dismemberment if anyone touched the only carton of orange juice.
• collapsible beach chairs collapsing on people.
• blatant staring(me) at WildGirl, and ignoring her sissy boyfriend who gave me a dirty look.
• vacuum cleaner firing up at 1am. I shall not elaborate.

Then EVERYONE crashed out except WildGirl, her boyfriend(who was pretty antisocial the entire trip) and me. I endeavoured to devour the heart of her bottom by enlisting her help in cleaning up the mess that the gang had made, and was only beginning my quest when hubby dear interrupted. Sien diau.....

Damned waste. The lights were out and the stream was tinkling and the rain was just dripping off the leaves and we were curled up in beach chairs sipping coffee and and everyone else had crashed out and there was really romantic jazz music on and she had just admitted that she "was too old to party much anymore heehee"....... Then came loud elephant-stomps down the stairs and lots of dirty looks at me from the antisocial geeky dude, ruining everything. How I wished it was the viking ages. I'd have asked my men to castrate the little sissy.

In short, no heart of the bottom for me. What a loss for WildGirl. Serendah was awesome though. Anyone up for a trip soon?

All A Guy Wants.............

............ is a simple, classy girl: Someone incredibly intelligent, someone incredibly kind, someone down-to-earth. All a guy wants is someone worth dying for, someone that takes his breath away after seeing her for the thousandth time. He wants a girl who's also a woman. He wants someone to nurture him. He wants an independent woman with ambitions as great and noble as his..... and would be willing to give it all up for him, because then he'll know it's worth devoting his life and love to support her dreams.

He wants a woman he can call "my girl" even when she's old and grey. He wants a girl who is kind when she doesn't have to, who sees people as they are, and loves him without condition. He wants a girl who is strong outside, yet soft, vulnerable, and beautiful inside. He wants a classy girl who's as comfortable with royalty as she is with beggars and the destitute. He wants a shy girl who goes red when he teases her. He wants a feisty girl that teases him back after she goes red. He wants someone with a mind as quick as his. He wants a girl who will be a great mother to his children. He wants a girl who's happy whenever she's with him, even if all he has is a simple hut and enough food for the next meal. He wants a smart girl who trusts him absolutely, and believes in him inequivocably. He wants a girl who will tell him when he's wrong, someone he will listen to when she tells him he's wrong. He wants her to love his family as he does.

He wants a gentle girl, a happy girl. He wants a tall girl, a voluptous girl. He wants a girl so gorgeous his mind spins when he first sets sights on her, but impresses him so much with mind and soul that he forgets about her looks.

All a guy wants is a simple, classy girl.

....is a nymphomaniac-scientist-supermodel. Talk so much for what? 3 words describe it all.

2 Funny Conversations

The first one, with Elaine, darling bud of May, who also considered this conversation funny enough to post the best part.........

Elaine:no no no..my mind is still stuck on a certain dinner dress im buying later
Me: buying from oshkosh b'gosh? [I tease her all the time about her height....her lack of height]
Elaine: *smirks*thats so passe
Me: guess kids?
Elaine:nowadays kids go for topshop kids
Me: Tell me about it.
Elaine:do NOT laugh. It's a place called "Cat's Whiskers."
Me: *mmph*
Elaine:its a great boutique in bangsar and hartamas. and they have another branch, heh, right smack in front of my office here
Me: dinner dress for.....gandalf coming to visit? [again referring to her as a tiny hobbit]
Elaine:for semi-formal dinners...like the farewell dinners for YE....my dresses and skirts are either too formal (gowns for weddings etc) or too informal
Me: oh ok ok
Elaine:gandalf and i aint talking. he wouldnt let me magically whip up some height
Me: whip? *suggestive smiley*hahahha
Elaine:FIGURE OF SPEECH! SHEESH. the only thing that should be whipped here is you, and i wont be the one doing it
Me:ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! that sounds naughty!!!! so when shall we do it?
Elaine:ahha
Me: saucy hobbit ;)
Elaine:..............
Me:so lemme get this straight... you're buying a cock tail dress from a pussy hair shop....
Elaine:WAHAHAHAHZHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. *meowrr*


........And the second one with Erlend, my Norwegian brother, who was trying to explain to me an outdoor game played with sticks. The gorgeous Liv-Mari explained it to me as "throwing a stick at another stick", and I already had a great time teasing her, and now Erlend attempted to explain his version. Erlend doesn't speak very good English, and I can't speak Norsk for nuts. Hilarity ensues as the game 'kubb' is explained......

erlend says: kubb.. eh.. its a game where u are throwing limer after some other small treethings..
Khai Tzer says: limer?
erlend says: limer=limber
Khai Tzer says: limber?
erlend says: like a big tree
Khai Tzer says: you take a big tree and throw at a little tree?
Khai Tzer says: ?!?!?!
erlend says: lumber
Khai Tzer says: WUAHAHHAHAHAHA
erlend says: it is
Khai Tzer says:is there such a thing!?!??!!?
erlend says: sort of
erlend says: its called kubb
Khai Tzer says: that's the funniest thing i've heard!
erlend says: hehe
Khai Tzer says: but won't the little tree die?
erlend says: its a nice game
erlend says: nah its all ready dead
erlend says: we have chopped it down and uses the same trees year after year
Khai Tzer says: kubb?
Khai Tzer says: what's thte point of the game
Khai Tzer says: ?
erlend says: kubb..?
erlend says: in norvegian it means something like.. ehh .. cant find a good word for it
erlend says: u know when u are burning wood
erlend says: u cut it in small nice peices
erlend says: u got a kubb
Khai Tzer says: ah...
Khai Tzer says: twigs, chippings.....
erlend says: propably
Khai Tzer says: then you throw it at a tree?
Khai Tzer says: to hit a target?
erlend says: u have to try it ones
erlend says: then u will see
Khai Tzer says: do you get points?
Khai Tzer says: how do you keep count?
Khai Tzer says: or do you just throw it at the tree until the tree cries?
erlend says: its a old game from the viking time.. the meaning is to throw down the other teams small trees
Khai Tzer says: so you throw until the trees fall down?
erlend says: nonono
Khai Tzer says: then?
erlend says: its not stuck to the ground
erlend says: when u hit it, it fell over


You can imagine the amount of incredulity and laughter that resulted from this little exchange. Click here to see kubb explained properly.

Interesting things that happened this past week

1. Beach Club, Labour Day eve: On the podium in the centre, there was a bangla dude dry-humping a slutty whore from behind to the beat of trance music. At one point, he even pushed her head down as he literally slammed her from behind, in front of the entire club. It was horrendously surreal.

2. Labour day, driving home on the beautiful Yong Peng- Paloh road, mummy and I practise our grammar:
*I twitch the steering wheel to avoid a dead musang on the road*
Mummy:"OI!! WHAT HAPPEN?!?!?"
Me :"Uh nothing lah. It's a musang."
Mummy:"Hah?"
Me :"I mean, it WAS a musang. The thing is alread......."
*swings steering wheel violently to the left again as another fucking fox crosses the road*
Mummy:"What was THAT?!?!??!"
Me "Is. That IS a musang."

I also avoid 6 dogs a cat, and 2 other musangs and at least 1 cibai Paloh motorcyclist within the 1 hour drive.

3. I saw a huge heron that was half as tall as me.
4. I discovered the joys of couch potato-hood with a long weekend back home.
5. A 6-series(M6) and 612 Scaglietti(both red) in convoy overtook us so fast on the highway that we couldn't even see whether the plates were Malaysian or Singaporean. There were just two incredibly loud whooshes, and by the time we turned out into the fast lane, they had left us at least half a kilometre behind.
6. Elaine has a huge bush.

Funny Conversation

After a hilarious go-kart session where my phone flew out of my pocket and disintegrated into little pieces and the kart was so unbalanced that my hands and ass were numb after 10 minutes, we crawled out from the snug seats with sweaty heads and helmet hair and huge grins on our faces.

Anthony: Well that was fun wasn't it??!? Hahahahahahha
Me: Wooohoooo!! Damn right! I overtook all of you! Nyehehehehhehe.... But my ass is all numb. Oh my poor ass.
Anthony: But 10 minutes was too short..... *pause*...... as with all the fun things in life. *waggles eyebrows and cheeky grin*
Me:I don't know bout you, but it takes more than 10 minutes for me........ *waggles eyebrows*

*both crack up laughing*

How to know if you were born between 1980-1984,

1. Guys: Voltron, He-Man, Thundercats, Mask, TRANSFORMERS!!!!!
2. Girls: Jem, The Smurfs, The Care Bears.

*sidenote: If that pang of nostalgia is inspiring you to find old episodes of your favourite cartoon..... for the love of god, don't. I watched an old episode of Smurfs and Thundercats the other day, and they sucked harder than my mom's Electrolux vacuum cleaner. The art was crap and the dialogue was so contrived I almost puked my guts. Plus with those heels and the big blonde hair, that Smurfette is obviously a nympho-slut. Oh God! See what happens when you watch innocent old cartoons with your grown-up dirty mind?!?!?

3. Michael Jackson was black, and a god; Not white, and a joke. Mum told me I knew 'beat it' before I could even talk properly.
4. VCD?!? Fuck off lah! Only got videotape.
5. Disney cartoons were still 2-d, and hand-animated.
6. No iPod. Discman also don't have. Only got BoomBox and Walkman.
7. Your dad owned a Datsun, not a Nissan.
8. No Proton Saga yet.
9. Every house has a Toyota Corolla/Honda Accord.
10. black-and-green computer screens.
11. There were only 2 constants in life: Lee Kuan Yew and Mahathir Mohammad.
12. When you called someone, you said,"Hello, can I speak to Ahmad please", not "Oi! Where are you?" and you dialed by using a REAL rotary dial, not a keypad.
13. Small kids actually played "catching" in the evenings instead of going for tuition all fucking day long for 12 years at a stretch.
14. You were best friends, not awkward strangers, with your neighbours.
15. Micro Genius was your (only) game console of choice.
16. In primary school, there was a game called "Pepsi Cola".
17. You could buy legal fireworks during Chinese New Year (but as with all good things in life, it's much nicer when they're illegal, so fellate away while chewing gum, you stupid Singaporeans!!!)
18. 1 Ringgit could buy more than 1 Singapore Dollar.
19. Genting Highlands was heaven.
20. You could have a feast at the school canteen for RM1.
21. In secondary school, having a mobile phone was surprising, having a 3210 made people gasp in awe, and we were only ever heard of people with an 8210 or a StarTac.
22. BMX, not Mountain Bike.
23. TVs didn't have remote controls when you were a kid.
24. Internet?
25. Central locking?
26. Microwave oven?
27. Diego Maradona, not Diego the Sabretooth Tiger.
28. Michael Jordan, not Yao Ming.
29. Football, not Futsal.
30. American Express, not Mastercard.
31. 80 sen petrol.
32. Seremban was still the world's most idyllic, perfect place.
33. Yaohan! Oooh boy, no trip to KL was complete without a trip there.
34. Kentucky Fried Chicken was called"Kentucky" for short("Ei let's go Kentucky"), and it sold beer instead of all that tomyam flavoured shit.
35. People actually went to A&W.
36. Alcohol and cigarettes were cheap.

Sheng Wai Comes in Public!!!

Check out that orgasmic look on his face. What a perverted little motherfucker. And there were small kids around too!!! Most importantly, he was looking at a fat old aunty with grey-blonde hair and saggy tits when I caught him doing this. HAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA. Bryan, SW and I got a whole load of laughs and wet shoes trying to get this perfect shot at the Genting Theme Park and it was too funny not to post.

All-Night Bender

Absolut Citron. *bleargh*

Do you know what's happiness?
In the blinded floating happy uninhibited world that occurs when you're drunk(as I am now), you realise with a start that money doesn't matter a whit in happiness. What really makes you happy is the warm feeling you get inside when you realise that you're having fun with the people you love, whether your family or your good friends.

I just spent the night playing chor dai di with my brothers in basketball, David and Bryan, at David's place, and later with Li Jin and Johel too. The loser of every round had to down a shot of vodka, and I turned out to be the big loser until I changed places with Bryan, whereupon I won every single round until the end of our party(weird, I know). In any case, 5 people finished 2 bottles of vodka and almost 5 litres of red wine. I don't like drinking, and I didn't even know I could drink so much until just now. In fact, I'm damn fucking surprised I can still type straight after drinking so much. David drank half what I did and was almost out cold, other than the fact that he took every chance to jab my asshole with his finger and laugh maniacally afterwards, all the while asking me if my mom fed me beer when I was a baby why the fuck can I drink so much. Dude, I don't care. There's nothing so great about being able to destroy your brain cells with ethanol. My ass is still sore from his fingering. What a bastard.

I love you, guys. What a SMASHING weekend. And Elaine told me she's going to introduce me to Lily, her cute friend, while treating me to a filet-o-fish at the scottish burger place.... McDonald's LOL. I can't wait!

I Heart You Guys Too!

I got a free top-up on my sim-card from Mills and Co.(my old colleagues) at DiGi on the excuse of doing testing. I Heart All You Guys Too!

Proven: Pork fat is good for health!!!!

No. I am not joking. Click on this link to read the full article. This is what they should do with biotechnology!!! All that boring stem-cell research, telomerase lengthening, glow-in-the-dark fish nonsense has finally given way to a proper use of life sciences and technologies: Scientists have managed to engineer pigs to produce omega-3 fatty acids. Woo-hoo!!!

"Because of the study, pork products such as bacon, ham and others that are loaded with artery-clogging saturated fats and cholesterol may become beneficial to cardiovascular health in the future." says the article. And then it goes on and on about eicosapentaenoic acid and docosahexaenoic acid and battery acid and some nonsense I wasn't too bothered about reading. I was imagining the possibilities:

"Dear! The doctor says my cholesterol has been a bit high lately...... Oh and you know how the salmon and tuna nowadays are poisoned with mercury and PCBs. I guess we can't get our omega-3 from fish..... I guess we'll just have to eat more bacon and bak kut teh then......."

WAH!!!

*Mr. Mackay South Park voice: "Life is goo-ood, mm-kay?"

Prank of the Day

Some background before I begin this story: Botak and I are good friends with this guy who works at the Chick Showroom. His name is Dass and he's from Chennai, India. He sits down with us when it's not very busy and we try to talk. Dass is 23, really skinny, has a gentle disposition and is very friendly. I suspect that he enjoys our company almost as much as we enjoy his. We communicate using the Malay he's learnt and his Inglish and our Manglish, and it usually works. We bonded over a few yum cha sessions where he served us, using the lingua franca of males everywhere: dirty jokes, lewd gestures, and comments insulting the respective sizes of our manhoods(menhood?). We play pranks on him and he plays pranks on us, all in good fun.

Botak's magic phrase is 'peyh pundek', meaning 'big pussy' in Tamil. Anytime Dass says anything, Botak just answers with 'peyh- pundek', unfailingly and faithfully. There has not been one yum-cha session that he doesn't answer Dass' 9 out of 10 questions with a variation of 'big pussy'. He could ask what Botak was doing the next day.... peyh-pundek..... What do you want to eat? peyh pundek. Hey SHHHH....not so loud there are many customers here you idiot........ "PEYH PUNDEK!!"..........

So today, Botak and I were at the Chick Showroom as usual. We were both really mellow for some reason(maybe because it's Sunday) so I decided to get Dass to teach me some Tamil to pass the time. It started when he asked me what I wanted to drink(in Tamil, no less).

"Nehn-nehn", I answered, with a totally straight face. Botak burst out laughing.

For those of you who don't speak English, 'nehn-nehn' is hokkien baby-talk for 'milk'. Recently though, Botak and I have been bastardizing the phrase by half-mumbling/half-moaning "nehnnnn-nnnnnnnnehn........." in pretend-hypnotism and staring with an unblinking spastic gaze at any pretty girl with a nice pair of breasts, like a retarded kid who's staring at candy and drooling, using the phrase nehn-nehn to mean breasts. It's really funny(unless you're a boring prissy missy, in which case fuck off, this story is not for you). The prettier the girl(and most importantly, the nicer her mammary glands, the more spastic you must look. The point is not the girl we're staring at - I mean, we'll appreciate the view like any normal red-blooded male - but how we show that we think she's hot. So if she's super-hot, we should pretend to be nose-bleeding, drooling, moaning "nuuuuuueeeeeeehn- NUUUEEEEHN!!!" and behaving with all the intelligence of a single-celled organism. If however, she's only moderately hot, we're supposed to just go 'nehn-nehn' with a mutual nod. If someone goes super-spastic over a chick who's actually really ugly when seen up close, the other guy must show a disgusted look and a disdainful sniff at the poor taste of the other.

As you can see, it's a really high-browed display of maturity and psychological superiority.

So when I told Dass I wanted to drink'nehn-nehn', Botak burst out laughing with his gleeful little-boy look. Dass just look confused and asked "apa?" in tamil-accented malay.

"nehn-nehn." and I mimed the shape of boobs using my hands.....
"wuooooh!!"Dass exclaimed in over-loud comprehension,"Tetek wa?!?"

You can imagine how loud Botak and I were laughing.

"Tetek tada-lah!!.... Yini mamak la..... podah......." and Dass made that what-an-idiot-you-are dismissive Indian gesture.
So after a lot of lewd locker-room banter to show that we still love each other, Dass told me,"muolai..... in Tamil, you can say...?.....Muolai... means.....?......... tetek.."

Oh, MUOLAI = BREASTS. Nyehehehehehe.

So anyway, Sian Jeen, who was late because he was picking up his sister from Assunta hospital, finally arrived. He commented about being hungry and asked us, since we were regulars, what was good at Tanjung. I decided to put my newfound knowledge to good use.

"Garlic naan...."I said,"nasi lemak....."
"Is the cheese naan good?"Sian Jeen asked.
Botak said,"They use the.... whaddya call it....."
"......Chesdale cheese."I finished.
"Ya ya, the flat packaged one....."Botak said,"The garlic naan is good. Seriously. You have to try."
"Ya, and they got this special Roti...."I said."They use milk wan. Very special wan. They do it really well......"
"Oh is it?"
"Ya. Roti Muolai...." I barely managed to suppress a laugh and pointedly avoided looking at Botak, who already had that laughing gleam in his eye and a raised eyebrow.
"Really? Condensed milk or what?"Sian Jeen asked in curiosity. I had to really stifle the urge to laugh now.
"Ya ya. Condensed milk."Botak answered in all seriousness."Dei DASS!!! Come!! Order!!!!"
So Dass came over with an earnest expression, and I pointed to Sian Jeen, indicating that he was the one who wanted to order.

Sian Jeen looked up at Dass and said,"uh.....Roti Muolai.."
Dass looked at him with a stunned, stoned expression for a few seconds, and then his wits returned and he turned his head to look at me and Botak with an exasperated expression that said You-bastards-why-the-fuck-do-you-do-this-to-me-all-the-time?!?!!??!!?

WUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAH!!!!

I laughed so hard I think the entire Chick Showroom was staring at me. I gave a high-five to Botak, who was also doubled over in mirth, and after we calmed down, we apologised to Sian Jeen even as Dass explained to him what "muolai" meant.

Another fruitful and productive day for Badman and Rub-In. Woohoo!

Oh really?

In an inspired piece of altruistic wisdom, our considerate and caring deputy prime minister advised us in one of the National Propaganda PublicationsThe Star yesterday that "Malaysians SHOULD (so that means we are the ones to be blamed if we don't) change their lifestyle" and "become more prudent in their spending and ensure there was no wastage."

"Such changes in lifestyle should be made so that even if there were increases in fuel prices, Malaysians will be able to continue having the good quality and comforts of life which they have been enjoying," he said..........

*tries to stifle disbelieving laughter*

*fails miserably* WUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!

Dude, putting aside the issue me refraining from commenting on the well-fed appearance of our DPM in the name of respect(no, not for him, but for tinted black pajeros that might appear on my doorstep, forcing me to urge my followers to "tenang..... tenang" and my driver to face charges of sodomy) or the fact that the most widely-read Malaysian "newspaper" has the incredibly urgent headline of "CHANGE LIFESTYLE" in huge bold print, putting aside all that, does that man think that we're all stupid?

I mean, besides the obvious of course, since he's in office and all that - just let me talk about this for a while, I'll get back to the main course - but there are people who actually believe every fucking word they read or hear. Yes. That's most of you idiots who have a Mykad.

"Oh oh, have you read about the Arab billionaire who wants to donate one billion to the National Heart Foundation?"
"Oh oh, you know that Alex Yoong's dad was forced to marry a Muslim so that he could get sponsorship from the government?

and the funniest one,

"Oh oh, you know that Langkawi has two sandbars off the island? That's why the tsunami reflected and hit Penang and Phuket........"

WUAHAHaHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But anyway, I'm digressing really way off course here. So our DPM is telling us to save so that we can "continue having the good quality and comforts of life"......

*nah*

How the fuck are you supposed to have a good quality of life if we're supposed to save? He must not understand basic accounting principles. If you take something out from somewhere, you've got to put it somewhere else. It doesn't just disappear.

He's saying that if I take public transport instead of driving to work, I'm enjoying my life more by smelling people's smelly armpits and having random strangers cram all around me to a station where I have to take a feeder bus, arriving all cranky and wrinkly.............. than driving all by my lonesome to a parking spot directly in front of my destination?

Or perhaps you mean that I should buy less food, leave it raw(since gas prices will go up too), and then laugh heartily as my family and I celebrate our prudence and financial astuteness.

And according to him, Malaysia is a very small net exporter of crude oil. What he declined to elaborate on was that the oil we sell is known as sweet crude, because of its low sulphur content(making it cheaper to refine) and is thus more expensive. Here's an exercise for all you brainwashed MyKad holders: go find out how much Petroliam Nasional Sdn. Bhd. (if you don't know what company is that, kindly jump off their twin towers and rid the world of your stupid genes) made in royalties and its net profit for the financial year 2004/2005 instead of how much crude oil we export vs. how much we import.

Well, Mr. Minister, are you going to take the RapidKL to work? Or a Honda 5 series EX5? After all, your outriders could be put to better use directing traffic at the pukimak machauhai hamkahchan snot-drinking cum-gargling pundek kaninehcibai fucking jammed Summit traffic light in USJ. And surely one man doesn't have the need for 4 or 5 escort cars. Pardon my rudeness, but you have only one rear end after all. You can't sit in 5 cars at once.

I rest my case.

Here's a serious tip for you propaganda-fed farm animals: Google News. FYI, the world consists of more than a country with a ubi kayu and dog shape.

Brokeback Week

This week is Brokeback Week. Let all be warned. Crude homosexual behaviour like random fondlings, ass-grabs, violently graphic genital displays and miscellanous molestations should be expected by all my friends. Do not complain if you lean close enough to me for me to kiss you motherfuckers, because I will do it. Whoever stupid enough to be fondled by me owes me a meal.

You have been warned.

Ode to the Mac

I have to admit it, I love all things Apple. The iPod, the iBook, the PowerMac G5, the Mac Mini... Everything they make is so fucking cool I can't stand it. I have multiple orgasms just standing in the MacAsia Super Store at One Utama(which is why I'm not welcome there anymore).

Seriously speaking, have you guys seen the PowerMac? Brushed aluminium, easy access, hyper-fast applications. Or the Mac Mini, or the oh-so-cool iBook, or the iPod Nano, or one of those 30 inch Apple Cinema Displays.....*moan moan gasp gasp*...... uh, sorry. Anyway, to a hopeless nerdy science geek like me (who happens to be a design freak), the stuff Apple make are amazing. It's the epitome of functional, beautiful design. And then there's the user interface on the new OS - Tiger - and iLife, that application suite. Put together my adoration for Steve Jobs and well, you've got a convert to the cult of Mac.

I am however a PC user. That's because Apple stuff is expensive and proprietary(negating the possibility of hacking hardware and software), the easy, affordable availability of Windows applications *wink wink* and my familiarity with the Windows interface. Plus there are a lot more games on Windows than on Mac.

I've used Panther on the iBook before, and it's a pretty crappy OS. Maybe it was because I'm a noob idiot user and there weren't many applications to play with(the 14.4 jungle internet connection probably didn't enhance my user experience either). But Tiger, ooooh mama, GarageBand is so fucking cool.

Oh, there's one more thing(hehe, the Mac faithful will get the joke), watch this video if you have a broadband connection.

March of the Penguins

I've been spending the last few days watching a whole lot of documentaries: "Jump London", "Marijuana - A History," "Guns, Germs and Steel", Barely Eighteen Vol. 25... Oh, not documentary ah? Sorry sorry..... and the best of the lot, March of the Penguins.

Some of you might have seen the poster hanging in the new cinema at One Utama. It's the same documentary. It chronicles the annual journey of the emperor penguin, a bird that usually swims, but travels a journey of more than 70 miles on foot each year to mate and lay their eggs. It is an epic story.

70 miles in the cold of winter is but the beginning. When they arrive they search for a mate, with which they remain monogamous for that season. The female lays one single egg, which costs her almost one third her bodyweight expended in energy, leaving her starving and desperate for nutrition. She then transfers the egg to the male - no easy task as the egg cannot be left in the chilling, killing cold for anything more than a few seconds - and travels the 70 miles back to feed. After she fattens herself, she comes back again. By this time the egg would have hatched, if it has managed to survive the cold or the clumsiness of new fatherhood, and it is the male's turn to travel that massive distance while the mother regurgitates food for her chick. They do this repeatedly until the end of the season, when it's warmer and the ocean is but a few hundred feet away.

I'm always on my guard against anthropomorphy whenever I watch documentaries, but this one can't help but pull on your heartstrings. You feel heartache as you watch the penguin fathers huddle together in the dead of -80°C weather, taking turns in the relatively warmer centre of the group. Some of them can't stand it and simply go to sleep, never to wake again, taking two lives as he goes, even as the mother is gorging herself so she can come back to feed her unborn chick - a futile 70-mile journey. And the scenes where the young chicks come out to explore and play can't help but make you smile. You see the naivete and joyfulness of youth in the penguins that you once had, and you realise that juvenile animals share many similiar traits.

Then again, the musical score is perfection itself. Every flute solo, orchestral symphony, and even the moments of silence capture the mood of the scene without flaw.

Poignant, touching, awe-inspiring. Wow.

Breaking News: BIRD FLU!!!!

[kuala lumpur, Thursday]
Bird flu has spread beyond Setapak! Authorities have discovered that in the past week, the following people: John, Razneil, Li Jin, Sheng Wai, Weng Fai, Luanne, Jessica, Andrew, Jay, Jin Hee, Kuhsandra, Ariel, Prem, Haan Chiang, and Ong........

....... have all been found to be exhibiting the main symptom of bird flu: Talking Cock. Especially Li Jin, whom the CDC (Atlanta Center for Disease Control) suspects is the primary vector for the H5N1 and WH4 viruses.

Stay tuned for updates on whether we have to chop off your cock to prevent further transmission of the disease.

Walking wounded

I landed sideways on my left foot today, hearing a loud scrunch and a sudden shock of warm blood flowing to my ankles.

"Oh fuck," I thought,"this is the big tiiiiime!"

And then I limped off the court, iced the ankle and compressed the goddamned joint. So now I'm limping along like an imbecilic cripple, hobbling in and out of my room to the laughter and amusement of my family.

Fuck.

Which got me to thinking about my mortality(again). In secondary school, I thought I was immortal, made of metal and impossible to destroy. Actually I've felt that way ever since I was born, and so I decided to jump backwards of a giant see-saw one day when I was 12, and managed, despite my self-avowed super-ness, to break my left wrist. It jutted out and the splintered ends of the bone grated against one another and I got into shock and I was in a cast for 6 weeks. Did it stop me? I was back the next day running around like and idiot and playing Mortal Kombat with a fucked up hand with Kit and Rik.

A week later I had already taken off the sling and was using my casted forearm like reinforced armour.

What I've done so far:
1. Broken my wrist.
2. injured my knee.
3.Dislocated my shoulder jumping around on slippery rocks(and was rock climbing the next week)
4. Fell head-first while hanging upside down at the playground, and I almost asphyxiated to death. Didn't stop me from trying to backflip...
5. Got my nose rearranged with violent force so I'm extra handsome if you like the "funfair mirror look"(didn't stop me from fighting)
6. Got my nose and eye socket cut.
...... and now, to cap off a wonderful start to the year of the dog, I've seriously sprained both ankles, twisted both middle fingers backwards so they look like sausages, and have a twinge in my knee as a result of still playing while injured.

Fuck. I wonder if I'll ever live long enough to reproduce. If I do, then Darwin was seriously wrong. Sometimes the stupid propagate.

Movie Review: Crash

9 stars/10.

I understand all the hype about it now. This movie is mindblowing. The unflinching, brutally honest portrayal of racial stereotypes and the human perceptions and reactions to them are played out so bravely that you can't help but believe and empathise with every character, even the most villainous one.

Some scenes are almost painful to watch in their intensity. The liberal use of colloquial racial euphemisms only serves to enhance the sense of reality, rather than embue a sense of distaste. The storyline is great, the intelligent, realistic dialogue makes you laugh, and at the end of it all, you get that familiar, comforting feeling you lost a long time ago...... that deep down inside, despite our colour and creed, we're only human.

The calm, uplifting music that plays as the Iraqi dude goes to shoot a Latino dude that he thought was a gangbanger, the boyish Ryan Phillipe arguing with his fellow police officers, and Thandie Newton's wails of anguish all highlight the beauty of this film, a film that by thrusting into the limelight our prejudices, unites us with compassion and empathy instead.

To summarise, this movie is about racism, but it doesn't only do that. It shows what's behind the stereotypes, why we believe in them, and how it affects our judgement and behaviour in a given situation. It's absolutely great.

Who should watch this: Intelligent people who hate arty-farty Zhang Yimou art-house flicks. BTW Iris and Magnolia are not only names of flowers, but also the titles of absolutely crap movies disguised as art.