Monday, March 06, 2006

Prank of the Day

Some background before I begin this story: Botak and I are good friends with this guy who works at the Chick Showroom. His name is Dass and he's from Chennai, India. He sits down with us when it's not very busy and we try to talk. Dass is 23, really skinny, has a gentle disposition and is very friendly. I suspect that he enjoys our company almost as much as we enjoy his. We communicate using the Malay he's learnt and his Inglish and our Manglish, and it usually works. We bonded over a few yum cha sessions where he served us, using the lingua franca of males everywhere: dirty jokes, lewd gestures, and comments insulting the respective sizes of our manhoods(menhood?). We play pranks on him and he plays pranks on us, all in good fun.

Botak's magic phrase is 'peyh pundek', meaning 'big pussy' in Tamil. Anytime Dass says anything, Botak just answers with 'peyh- pundek', unfailingly and faithfully. There has not been one yum-cha session that he doesn't answer Dass' 9 out of 10 questions with a variation of 'big pussy'. He could ask what Botak was doing the next day.... peyh-pundek..... What do you want to eat? peyh pundek. Hey SHHHH....not so loud there are many customers here you idiot........ "PEYH PUNDEK!!"..........

So today, Botak and I were at the Chick Showroom as usual. We were both really mellow for some reason(maybe because it's Sunday) so I decided to get Dass to teach me some Tamil to pass the time. It started when he asked me what I wanted to drink(in Tamil, no less).

"Nehn-nehn", I answered, with a totally straight face. Botak burst out laughing.

For those of you who don't speak English, 'nehn-nehn' is hokkien baby-talk for 'milk'. Recently though, Botak and I have been bastardizing the phrase by half-mumbling/half-moaning "nehnnnn-nnnnnnnnehn........." in pretend-hypnotism and staring with an unblinking spastic gaze at any pretty girl with a nice pair of breasts, like a retarded kid who's staring at candy and drooling, using the phrase nehn-nehn to mean breasts. It's really funny(unless you're a boring prissy missy, in which case fuck off, this story is not for you). The prettier the girl(and most importantly, the nicer her mammary glands, the more spastic you must look. The point is not the girl we're staring at - I mean, we'll appreciate the view like any normal red-blooded male - but how we show that we think she's hot. So if she's super-hot, we should pretend to be nose-bleeding, drooling, moaning "nuuuuuueeeeeeehn- NUUUEEEEHN!!!" and behaving with all the intelligence of a single-celled organism. If however, she's only moderately hot, we're supposed to just go 'nehn-nehn' with a mutual nod. If someone goes super-spastic over a chick who's actually really ugly when seen up close, the other guy must show a disgusted look and a disdainful sniff at the poor taste of the other.

As you can see, it's a really high-browed display of maturity and psychological superiority.

So when I told Dass I wanted to drink'nehn-nehn', Botak burst out laughing with his gleeful little-boy look. Dass just look confused and asked "apa?" in tamil-accented malay.

"nehn-nehn." and I mimed the shape of boobs using my hands.....
"wuooooh!!"Dass exclaimed in over-loud comprehension,"Tetek wa?!?"

You can imagine how loud Botak and I were laughing.

"Tetek tada-lah!!.... Yini mamak la..... podah......." and Dass made that what-an-idiot-you-are dismissive Indian gesture.
So after a lot of lewd locker-room banter to show that we still love each other, Dass told me,"muolai..... in Tamil, you can say...?.....Muolai... means.....?......... tetek.."

Oh, MUOLAI = BREASTS. Nyehehehehehe.

So anyway, Sian Jeen, who was late because he was picking up his sister from Assunta hospital, finally arrived. He commented about being hungry and asked us, since we were regulars, what was good at Tanjung. I decided to put my newfound knowledge to good use.

"Garlic naan...."I said,"nasi lemak....."
"Is the cheese naan good?"Sian Jeen asked.
Botak said,"They use the.... whaddya call it....."
"......Chesdale cheese."I finished.
"Ya ya, the flat packaged one....."Botak said,"The garlic naan is good. Seriously. You have to try."
"Ya, and they got this special Roti...."I said."They use milk wan. Very special wan. They do it really well......"
"Oh is it?"
"Ya. Roti Muolai...." I barely managed to suppress a laugh and pointedly avoided looking at Botak, who already had that laughing gleam in his eye and a raised eyebrow.
"Really? Condensed milk or what?"Sian Jeen asked in curiosity. I had to really stifle the urge to laugh now.
"Ya ya. Condensed milk."Botak answered in all seriousness."Dei DASS!!! Come!! Order!!!!"
So Dass came over with an earnest expression, and I pointed to Sian Jeen, indicating that he was the one who wanted to order.

Sian Jeen looked up at Dass and said,"uh.....Roti Muolai.."
Dass looked at him with a stunned, stoned expression for a few seconds, and then his wits returned and he turned his head to look at me and Botak with an exasperated expression that said You-bastards-why-the-fuck-do-you-do-this-to-me-all-the-time?!?!!??!!?


I laughed so hard I think the entire Chick Showroom was staring at me. I gave a high-five to Botak, who was also doubled over in mirth, and after we calmed down, we apologised to Sian Jeen even as Dass explained to him what "muolai" meant.

Another fruitful and productive day for Badman and Rub-In. Woohoo!


minishorts said...

ok i didn't read this i just popped in to comment. which cousin of julia's is your friend? My bf is julia's cousin too but i don't think he knows you.

minishorts said...

ok i don't know that one. must be a cousin on the mother's side.

Kilian said...

haha khai tzer , gaining international attention liao. People are looking up for their bf's cousin through you.

Minishorts = friend of Elaine?
Khai Tzer = friend of Elaine

there fore
Minishorts = Khai Tzer = Friend now

Sigh what a lame comment, nevertheless i have nothing to do.

Raksha said...

F***. I think I'm gonna HAVE to treat you to McDonalds after all. I did laugh like a hyena reading this post. Bugger.(-_-').