The Idiots Guide to Choosing a Girlfriend

*Note, this is not an article on how to FIND a girlfriend, merely how to CHOOSE one.
**Also, this article assumes that you are interested in a serious girlfriend, with all its attendant pros and cons. In light of these, the choosing process outlined is intended to deliver you minimum headache and maximum fun in the long run.

To all the long-suffering men of this world, I share this with you in the spirit of brotherhood, in the hopes that we may all have full and loving relationships instead of angst and heartbreak, that we can be proud of our women, and that our women will be proud of us. Here then, is how you choose a proper girlfriend:

• Step 1. Make sure she's not crazy.
  
• I'm not fucking joking dude. This is the be-all and end-all of relationship tips. Your girlfriend can have a lame personality, bad breath etc etc...... but she MUST NOT be crazy. I'm not talking about Oprah-liking-crazy........ but CRAZY-crazy like having violent tendencies, or paranoia so acute she calls you 10 times a day to ask "where are you?" or threatening to kill herself....that kind of crazy. It doesn't matter how sizzling-hot she is(and trust me, there ARE crazy hot girls), if you value your balls, your sanity, and don't like being stalked or having someone put Siamese love-spells on you, KEEP AWAY.
  

• Step 2. Don't choose a gold-digger.......
  
• I know it sounds like basic knowledge, but most guys(including me) usually don't think with the big head when they first meet a hot woman, especially if she gives them attention. The gold-digger will ask you what you do, how much you earn, how long until you make partner/general manager etc etc. and hints that she "loves receiving presents". Whore - definition: someone who provides sexual services for payment in cash or in kind(i.e. handbags, holidays to Bali etc).

• Step 3. ........or a jealous woman
• A jealous woman is an insecure woman, and she will cause you emotional trauma. It's also a side-effect that jealous women are usually not the prettiest ones. On the other hand, a good girlfriend is someone smart enough to choose a good man, and confident enough with her own attractiveness that she doesn't need to be jealous. And for you(or me at least), smart, confident, and attractive are verrrrrrrrry nice traits to have in a girlfriend. *note: this same woman, while not the jealous type, may illogically want you to demonstrate that you're a teeny-weeny bit possessive over her, in order to be reassured that you love her. So the next time she's talking with some good-looking guy, just ask her "Who's that guy?" She'll be secretly delighted.
  

• Also, be observant, you might realise that the Gold-digger and the Jealous Woman are very often the same person. The selfish "me-first" urge in these women manifests itself in these two distinct but related personality traits: hunting for a "good catch", and then ferociously guarding their "prize" from the clutches of other women. And you don't want to feel like a wild boar or a salmon fish, do you?

• Step 4, Ask yourself,"if I'm in deep trouble, what would she do?"
• I'm talking deeEEEEEEEEEEEEEP trouble, like if you were kidnapped, or if you crashed your car and she's unhurt but you're unconscious and bleeding badly. WHAT WOULD SHE DO? Basically you want a girl who can take care of things, not someone who will sit there and cry while you bleed to death in the accident. I could list out the values needed in such a girl -streetwise, resourceful, calm-headed, brave, loyal etc etc - but these values won't affect you much until you really really need them. And understand this: The one time you will really NEED your girlfriend is when you're in deep shit, even if just for emotional support. If she's the sort that ups and runs the moment she learns you're bankrupt, then you might wanna look elsewhere. However, if you smile after answering yourself this question, congratulations.

• I know that it's hard to resist the sweet-looking damsels in distress and the urge to protect and "cherish"(*vomit*) them - especially for all you macho lunkheads and you, Manager Chow- but if you have to, why not choose someone who defers to you mostly, but whom you know has your back when the going gets tough? Think Anwar Ibrahim's wife and you've got the idea.
  

• Step 5, choose someone who will make a good mother for your children.
• Assuming it goes that far(which is possible in a serious relationship), don't fuck it up! Hehe. Seriously though, the traits that would make a good mother are the traits you want in a girlfriend too. You want beautiful children? Then she can't be the bad-looking parent can she? Especially since you've dominated that position, you ugly fucker(yes, Erlend, I'm talking to you LOL); A good mother can cook (yes girls, the old adage about going through a man's stomach are largely true); A good mother is educated so that she can educate her children, and so on and so forth. Ah think about it yourselves. I'm lazy to elaborate. If you're so stupid you can't imagine, then I hope you don't breed.

• Step 6, choose a happy girl
• Simply because a happy girl probably doesn't have issues that need fixing(jealousy, abandonment, insecurity, physical abuse, the list goes on.......). Either that, or she just escaped from the nuthouse(please see step 1 in this case)

• For some reason, most people can't stand a happy person. Have you noticed how people go,"What the hell are you smiling about?" when you're having a good day? Well, I don't know about you, but I like being happy. Basically, a happy girl makes you happy, and who doesn't want to be happy?

• Step 7, can she be your friend?
• Every serious relationship should begin on a steaming-hot, sizzling, passionate, amazing-sex, knee-weakening-kisses note. Why? Cause it's fun lah! Abuthen? Of course, you can run your relationship in this mode forever.....if you can sustain it forever. I'm of the opinion that it's impossible because humans naturally take things for granted. Other than being your lover, your girlfriend has to be one of your best friends, because after the initial passion has worn off, you should be left with friendship and a very comfortable intimacy. If you can't be friends, then she can't be your girlfriend.
  

• Lastly, separate your "deal-breakers" from your "fixables"
  
• There are some things that are absolutely unacceptable in a woman("deal-breaker"), while others, though undesirable, can be tolerated provided that there's an overriding positive trait to balance it("fixable"). For instance, a woman who's kind enough to volunteer at the local SPCA would push the fact that she idolizes Oprah into insignificance; Contrarily, a woman who smokes crack cocaine is a definite no-no, even if she looks like a supermodel.
  

• This is largely up to the preference of the individual. Some people might be utterly revulsed by a simple thing such as a woman having untrimmed armpit hair, while others might be able to tolerate a potential deal-breaker such as a woman who drinks heavily or digs her nose in public. So separate your "fixables" from your "hell-no!-No-fucking-way!!!" so that the next time there's a dilemma(supermodel genius who snores like fucking thunder), you'll know what to do.

Other than that, everything else is a personal choice. Looks, brains, personality, sense of humour, personality, level of education...... all that is up to you. Some guys might not bother about looks, or prefer a quiet girl rather than a party-animal, or really dig intelligent women(like me). That's a personal choice.

So follow the steps before you follow your heart, and you might save a helluva lot of heart- and headache down the road. Have fun!