"So when are you getting married?"

What? Has everyone gone nuts all of a sudden? People are barely out of Uni. They're barely starting the rat race. What's with all these marriage talk? What happened to plain old "How are you?" What's with all the tacking on of "So, are you planning to......" at the end? Has it suddenly become acceptable for people in their mid-twenties to talk about marriage? When biological clocks and Asian male cowardice hold hands to overwhelm logic and common sense, suddenly getting hitched jumps into the forefront of our collective consciousness.

I don't mind when old friends ask me "Eh so bila kahwin?" as old friends do after they haven't seen each other for a while. I usually reply with "Eh don't curse me lah... so you leh? Bila kahwin?" Hehe. That's some funny shit. It's even better if you answer with "Aiyah my girlfriend lah. Forgot to use rubber that day. Now I'm puking every morning and got this weird craving for ice kacang. I also don't know how to tell my parents."

Then we got the marriage nazis. Look, I don't mind if you're getting married. That's your choice. On an intellectual level, I might even have the opinion that it's an outdated cultural relic that has no relevance in a world where we might soon see the first female American president. Doesn't mean that I'm not happy for my friends if they tell me they're getting hitched, with that glow on their faces and happiness in their eyes. I grab them and dance a jig with them. What turns me off are some insensitive people who think that just because they're planning to do it, other people have to rush out and do it too. And they ask you "when are you getting married?" in a tone of utter seriousness, even of casual acquaintances.

What gives you the right to ask such a personal question as "so when are you getting married?" Such insolence. Such utter lack of class and social grace. Here's a piece of advice, don't ask someone that unless you're sure they're getting married, or you might find yourself in an awkward situation. You know the saying about people who assume making and ass out of 'u' and 'me'? What makes you think that two people who are together are automatically getting married? Ever thought that asking such a question might be insulting to one or both parties? Ever figured out that you might be impinging upon the privacy and right to self-determination of a relationship?

Next person who asks me that, in a socially unacceptable manner, gets two possible answers.

If you're a guy,"So when do you plan to bring your sister/mother for me to fuck?"
If you're a girl,"So when are you planning on taking it up the ass?"

Pet peeves

1. When I overhear an argument between morons, both with their facts wrong.....
"Eh Yugoslovakia lah!"
"No no! Czechoslovakia and Serbia were both part of Bosnia-Herzegovina!"
............. niama. Worse than nails scratching on blackboard. What the fuck is a Yugoslovakia?

2. Fake tits.

3. Primary schoolkids practicing "the shuffle", which brings me to...

4. Ah Bengs.

5. DOTA. Get a life.

6. Radio deejays on the 'hit stations' spewing a million words a minute when talking to people who call in. They're like banner ads on a website: A lot of noise but no content.

7. People who repeat hearsay as gospel. "I heard...." "They say...." Here's a tip, unless it's first-hand info, it's usually bullshit. And you're a dumbass for believing bullshit.

8. Fuckers who use the word "Bro..." in inappropriate context. They'll bro the waiters, the ushers, the fucking bouncers, the bartenders and every one of the help, and then turn around and complain to their friends about the atrocious service. What the fuck? Your brother wut! You settle it lah!

9. Obviously beta fuckers who brag and try to show-off about the number of girls they've banged. Same goes for girls who brag about the number of boyfriends they've had. Ish. Attention deficit meh? Who cares??

10. Feminazis. Let's not get started.

11. The fuckers who study overseas for a few years, then come back and speak to their own people with the 'fili-feleh' accent. Diu lei lou mou chau hai...... Oh you understand ah? I thought you guai lou! Sorry ah! :)

12. People(pronounced "Soh-hais") who drive slowly in the fast lane, or worst yet, drive slowly while hogging both lanes.

13. Taxi drivers. Oh wait. I'm being redundant.

13. Mercedes drivers. Oh wait. I'm being redundant again.

14. Subang drivers. Oh wait... again. Sorry.

15. Seeing melt-your-shoes-off-hot girls with ugly-looking dudes.

Lush, Kaki Botol, Alcoholic, Bar Fly, Drunkard

While (tee-)totally sober last night, I had an epiphany (Oh it was horrible. Whoever it was that said enlightenment would set you free must have been totally coked up or shot up)...

First, some background: Flooded to the gills with antibiotics and some insanely powerful flu meds (which incidentally cost me half an arm and my first-born) to treat my persistent cough-till-I-tear, blood-stained-snot, viscous-vicious-brown-phlegm flu, I was (for once) scared enough to follow the instructions on the zip-loc medicine baggies and take my meds religiously. I also figured that meds and Mr Johnnie Walker probably wouldn't get along together, hence my total abstention from alcohol on a Thursday night at Maison. Yes, almost unforgivable, I know. Unless you're on fucking-scare-my-socks-off pseudoephedrine.

And thus, after a long night of swilling water, standing awkwardly around and not dancing or making friends with strangers, I come to a horrifying realisation: I might just have become one of those people who only become interesting after a few drinks...

My heart started thumping and the ego was reeling in horror while the id calmly slapped the facts into its face.

"Boy! When was the last time you partied sober? Are you afraid to go talk to the strange people at the next table tonight? What the hell happened to your footloose dancing? Where are the laughing crowds and the adoring women tonight?"

My mind gasped and thrashed at the audacious bluntness and the possibility that it.... just.... might.... be..... *horror of horrors*..... true! Was I really a lush? Could I have been seduced by the same party culture (giving in to the uniquely Asian practice of equating drinking alcohol with giving face) that I've struggled so far to avoid?

No no... It wasn't the only reason. My mind finally filtered through the scare-mongering unleashed upon it by a latently evil subconscious. It was a combination of being sick, stress and sleep deprivation that mainly caused my lack of spirit, although the other "lack of spirits" was admittedly not helping me lose my inhibitions.

One good thing came out of it though. I'm not going clubbing for the foreseeable future. Got to get back into shape after the joys of Chinese New Year eating and drinking, the ultra-killer 3 week flu, and the string of hard-partying late nights that have been a mainstay of my calendar for the past 2 months. I look in the mirror now and my abs have gone into hibernation under a nice warm layer of insulation, my muscle tone's shot to shit, and my face looks like I'm actually 26(instead of 18), for once.

You want a new year's resolution? Being washed out and tired from bad living sure is a good motivator for one, and no prizes for guessing what it is.