Guess who has a new couch, a new shaggy rug, and a new apartment? :)
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Pranked!
For anyone interested in my mundane(snicker snicker), run-of-the-mill(mmmpgh!!), boring, normal(WUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAAH) life, I've been moving house the past 2 weeks. I shall not excite you with how I converted a fluorescent lamp-infested apartment into an avantgarde, stylish bachelor pad(pictures will be up soon if you're not invited to the housewarming) when I can bore you with stories about how paint dries.
No, I am being serious. I am going to tell you a story about how paint dries....
....... specifically, spray paint.
You see, there exists in my life these two fellows that I happen to love very much. Even though I've known them for less than a year, they're like brothers to me. One goes by the innocent moniker of Bryan, and the other by the vaguely AhBeng name of Botak.
Now, my apartment is painted in a very soothing light blue. It's different from the typical whitewashed wall, and I like it that way. Somehow, Bryan got it into his mind that I was in love with light blue. So he got a fucking can of spray paint, called Botak along, and decided to spray my grille light blue. It's like a switch got thrown in his head and he suddenly thought,"Hey I have a can of light blue spray paint. Khai Tzer likes light blue. Therefore, I shall spray his grille light blue. It will look absolutely horrendous I know, but Khai Tzer will love it. I think it's a good idea. In fact, let's just spray the side of the grille facing outside, and....... Oh fuck it, let's just have fun and just see what happens when we spray....."
So the blissful duo(Bryan and Botak) come to my house one fine day when I'm not home and spray half of my grille blue. They ran out of paint because it was too fun just aerosol-ing the paint around. I came back surprised and quite amused at the effect it caused. I wanted the outside of the apartment to look run-down(so as to not attract attention), and a touch of blue paint on the enamel-cream looked the part.
But today, the blissful duo again came hand-in-hand with a can of blue paint - again while I was not home - and aerosoled pieces of the grille again. "Wah got effect like clouds like that.... some white some blue...", Botak coo-ed in love and enjoyment while we were out yum cha.
"WHAT THE FUCK!!?!??" I thought to myself. Don't tell me they came to spray the fucking thing again......
I drove home dreading how my grille would look like. My heart sank in despair at seeing the horrible shade of milky blue that engulfed a previously normal-looking grille. And it DID have a cloud effect(oh dear god its horrible).... The best part came as I was alternately cursing them and admiring their genius at pranking me like this while sweeping the floor of all the excess spray paint that had dried and turned my marble floor a horrible shade of blue. Bryan called me.
"OI leng zhai or not your grille? Lengzhai(cantonese for "handsome") or not?!? Lengzhai or not?!?!?*giggle giggle giggle*"
"Of FUCKING COURSE NOT LA!!! BRYAN YOU BASSSSSSSTARD!!! #*@&#!!!-ING BETTER BRING A FUCKING CAN OF WHITE PAINT FOR ME I HAVE TO PAINT THE @#$-ING GRILLE AND THE WALLS. cccciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-BAI!!"
"WUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH!! ok ok I get you your paint *giggle giggle*"
How can anyone not love it if someone left patches of splotchy blue paint on your wall as they sprayed (only) the outside of your grille. I love my brothers. *muaks*
No, I am being serious. I am going to tell you a story about how paint dries....
....... specifically, spray paint.
You see, there exists in my life these two fellows that I happen to love very much. Even though I've known them for less than a year, they're like brothers to me. One goes by the innocent moniker of Bryan, and the other by the vaguely AhBeng name of Botak.
Now, my apartment is painted in a very soothing light blue. It's different from the typical whitewashed wall, and I like it that way. Somehow, Bryan got it into his mind that I was in love with light blue. So he got a fucking can of spray paint, called Botak along, and decided to spray my grille light blue. It's like a switch got thrown in his head and he suddenly thought,"Hey I have a can of light blue spray paint. Khai Tzer likes light blue. Therefore, I shall spray his grille light blue. It will look absolutely horrendous I know, but Khai Tzer will love it. I think it's a good idea. In fact, let's just spray the side of the grille facing outside, and....... Oh fuck it, let's just have fun and just see what happens when we spray....."
So the blissful duo(Bryan and Botak) come to my house one fine day when I'm not home and spray half of my grille blue. They ran out of paint because it was too fun just aerosol-ing the paint around. I came back surprised and quite amused at the effect it caused. I wanted the outside of the apartment to look run-down(so as to not attract attention), and a touch of blue paint on the enamel-cream looked the part.
But today, the blissful duo again came hand-in-hand with a can of blue paint - again while I was not home - and aerosoled pieces of the grille again. "Wah got effect like clouds like that.... some white some blue...", Botak coo-ed in love and enjoyment while we were out yum cha.
"WHAT THE FUCK!!?!??" I thought to myself. Don't tell me they came to spray the fucking thing again......
I drove home dreading how my grille would look like. My heart sank in despair at seeing the horrible shade of milky blue that engulfed a previously normal-looking grille. And it DID have a cloud effect(oh dear god its horrible).... The best part came as I was alternately cursing them and admiring their genius at pranking me like this while sweeping the floor of all the excess spray paint that had dried and turned my marble floor a horrible shade of blue. Bryan called me.
"OI leng zhai or not your grille? Lengzhai(cantonese for "handsome") or not?!? Lengzhai or not?!?!?*giggle giggle giggle*"
"Of FUCKING COURSE NOT LA!!! BRYAN YOU BASSSSSSSTARD!!! #*@&#!!!-ING BETTER BRING A FUCKING CAN OF WHITE PAINT FOR ME I HAVE TO PAINT THE @#$-ING GRILLE AND THE WALLS. cccciiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-BAI!!"
"WUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH!! ok ok I get you your paint *giggle giggle*"
But it was a good prank. Check out the hilarious results:
by the way, the fuckers just sprayed it from the outside with no regard for how it would look as a whole. It ended up looking like some loan shark had come to deliver a warning for late payment.
by the way, the fuckers just sprayed it from the outside with no regard for how it would look as a whole. It ended up looking like some loan shark had come to deliver a warning for late payment.
How can anyone not love it if someone left patches of splotchy blue paint on your wall as they sprayed (only) the outside of your grille. I love my brothers. *muaks*
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Here's two thousand words......
Beauty is rare and fleeting, but when it's there, it's THERE. For a single stitch in time, every single one of your senses is left tingling, and you can almost hear the angels sing. I caught two such moments.
Dawn, at home in Kekayaan.
Noontime, Kekayaan.
Dawn, at home in Kekayaan.
Noontime, Kekayaan.Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Who are you?
Alright, who's the person secretly topping up my handphone credit? Come on now, it's starting to freak me out, because 10 bucks a day is 300 bucks a month.
If you're a friend who means well, I thank you, but there's no need. I already love you and I have plenty of my own money.
If you're a girl that's interested in me, please stop. My affection cannot be bought. Try asking me out. I'll almost always say yes.
If you're a guy that's interested in me. Please stop. And tell me who you are, so I can give you back your money.
If you're trying to get back in my good books, then by all means continue doing it. You'll never get back in my good books once you're off. But on the upside, I have 300 bucks extra a month. Better one person happy than none.
If you're one of my brothers and this is a prank designed to drive me nuts..... you bastards, when I catch you, you're gonna have my foot so high in your ass you'll be coughing up my shoelaces.
If you're a friend who means well, I thank you, but there's no need. I already love you and I have plenty of my own money.
If you're a girl that's interested in me, please stop. My affection cannot be bought. Try asking me out. I'll almost always say yes.
If you're a guy that's interested in me. Please stop. And tell me who you are, so I can give you back your money.
If you're trying to get back in my good books, then by all means continue doing it. You'll never get back in my good books once you're off. But on the upside, I have 300 bucks extra a month. Better one person happy than none.
If you're one of my brothers and this is a prank designed to drive me nuts..... you bastards, when I catch you, you're gonna have my foot so high in your ass you'll be coughing up my shoelaces.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Worth a thousand words
Another bored and hot(but beautiful) evening at home in the estate. What to do? Go out walk walk take pitcher loh. This time I decided to take a walk down to our huge nursery and see what I could find.
Look closely. Check out the two strands of spider silk attached to the flower.
Sundance Festival, Bukit Tupai
Coconut Tree
Look closely. Check out the two strands of spider silk attached to the flower.
Sundance Festival, Bukit Tupai
Coconut TreeFriday, July 21, 2006
Industrial Strength*updated*
There's a new palm oil mill up. These pics will go into my "industrial" collection. Enjoy:--
the mill from far *new*
steam*new*
Monday, July 10, 2006
Hot List *updated*
1. Minishorts, weblogger.
For having the intellectual equivalent of an iron fist in a velvet glove, paired with a singular, elegant prose that hypnotises with its simplicity and understated power.
2. Jaclyn Victor, singer. *newly updated*
For her soaring voice that gives me the shivers, for being friendly, and
for being so sizzlingly sexy I almost burst into flame just standing beside her. Women so hot shouldn't be allowed to wear tight yellow singlets with "Brasil" on the back. World Cup be damned. Singing talent aside, she's gorgeous. Surprisingly gorgeous enough to warrant crude loutish sexist comments that ignore her singing talents.
For having the intellectual equivalent of an iron fist in a velvet glove, paired with a singular, elegant prose that hypnotises with its simplicity and understated power.
2. Jaclyn Victor, singer. *newly updated*
For her soaring voice that gives me the shivers, for being friendly, and
for being so sizzlingly sexy I almost burst into flame just standing beside her. Women so hot shouldn't be allowed to wear tight yellow singlets with "Brasil" on the back. World Cup be damned. Singing talent aside, she's gorgeous. Surprisingly gorgeous enough to warrant crude loutish sexist comments that ignore her singing talents.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Fuck James Blunt!
How in the hell did a scrawny, scruffy, creepy-looking Englishman end up singing every real man's secret song of heartbreak? And so fucking brilliantly too. Every soulful, measured piano chord, every nuance of piano or forte, every beautiful, brutally honest word translated into song - all projected by that uncannily melancholy voice - tears apart the long-healed scars left behind on your heart by great loves past and allows the blood of emotion to flow freely once more, at least for as long as the song is played.
It's sacrilegous how James narrates how every boy and man feels after every breakup. Doesn't the idiot realise that in the midst of the heart-rending sobs, swollen eyes, and pitiful wailing from your girl, only your stoicism and cold-hearted poker-face gives you a semblance of respect and dignity? No matter what, the girls must never ever know that you hurt so badly that it aches physically, that you feel like vomiting, that the frustration and sadness welling up inside is close to drowning you, that you eventually break down sobbing like a little girl anyway, only in private, alone, deep in the night when everyone else is asleep, and you feel more alone than the last man on earth. Only the knowledge that she believes you're a cold-hearted bastard could keep the shards of your broken soul together.
But now this idiot has gone and ripped the anguish that every man that has loved and lost harbours - every fiercely-hidden drop of sorrow and anger and frustration - and laid it bare for every girl in the world to see. It's so honest he even goes "goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend......" The love of your life will no doubt have been your best friend, something even more significant than just being your lover. He knows. Oh he knows alright.
What a bastard. What a brilliantly talented, immensely soulful bastard...
It's sacrilegous how James narrates how every boy and man feels after every breakup. Doesn't the idiot realise that in the midst of the heart-rending sobs, swollen eyes, and pitiful wailing from your girl, only your stoicism and cold-hearted poker-face gives you a semblance of respect and dignity? No matter what, the girls must never ever know that you hurt so badly that it aches physically, that you feel like vomiting, that the frustration and sadness welling up inside is close to drowning you, that you eventually break down sobbing like a little girl anyway, only in private, alone, deep in the night when everyone else is asleep, and you feel more alone than the last man on earth. Only the knowledge that she believes you're a cold-hearted bastard could keep the shards of your broken soul together.
But now this idiot has gone and ripped the anguish that every man that has loved and lost harbours - every fiercely-hidden drop of sorrow and anger and frustration - and laid it bare for every girl in the world to see. It's so honest he even goes "goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend......" The love of your life will no doubt have been your best friend, something even more significant than just being your lover. He knows. Oh he knows alright.
What a bastard. What a brilliantly talented, immensely soulful bastard...
Sunday, June 11, 2006
My Mamak Name
Irrelevance. Lame-ness. Stupidity. All words that can be used to describe the existence of the 'mamak name'. It's a feature unique to members of my late-night supper club, the usual suspects who haunt The Chick Showroom, i.e. Tanjung, our regular mamak shop at USJ9.
Regular readers might remember Dass, the friendly waiter and purveyor of breast-roti-canai in the classic post "Prank of the Day". I neglected to mention that Dass doesn't call us by our real names, largely because Botak(in a fit of inspired madness) proudly proclaimed himself "Keanu" when Dass first asked us our names. In the same breath, Botak cackled loudly while rattling the loose screws in his disjointed brain, and announced to Dass that my name was "Zung". And Zung I am till this day. We got used to our farcical alter-egos after a while, and it's still a great laugh whenever someone new joins us for supper and looks quizzically at me after Dass calls my name.
"Hah? What he call you ah? Zu....... what?!?"BotakKeanu and I inevitably crack up in manic laughter.
That was a few months ago. Recently the supper club swelled to include Johel, Bryan and Shaun. Johel is slightly rotund, and so he became "Gimu", short for "Gemuk". Shaun, who is short and stout, was christened "Hobbit". It's funny enough when you recognise the obvious reason we gave him the name, but it's hilarious whenever you hear an Indian national - who has probably never watched Lord of the Rings - call Shaun.
Botak will go,"Das! Apa nama dia? Apa nama dia?" while pointing at Shaun and grinning like an idiot.
"Uh....ah...... *thinks hard*........ Ah! Wuobbit!"
Priceless.
But the best name was reserved for my good friend Bryan, a huge guy who weighs 120 kilos and hates it when ppl call him fat. So of course I have to insult him about his weight all the time, even though I usually never pick on fat ppl. Just because it's so funny getting a rise out of him. But anyway, in the grand tradition of Zung and Keanu, which were plucked out of thin air, we gave Bryan a name that would be immortalised in etymological folklore.
I told Dass,"nama dia Veji-lah."
Das said,"hah? veji-ah?"
I said,"Ya ya. Veji. Veji Nah."
"Wuoh! Veji nah! *gives thumbs up sign* wuokay wuokay!"
And that, my friends, is how Bryan came to be known as "Vagina".
Regular readers might remember Dass, the friendly waiter and purveyor of breast-roti-canai in the classic post "Prank of the Day". I neglected to mention that Dass doesn't call us by our real names, largely because Botak(in a fit of inspired madness) proudly proclaimed himself "Keanu" when Dass first asked us our names. In the same breath, Botak cackled loudly while rattling the loose screws in his disjointed brain, and announced to Dass that my name was "Zung". And Zung I am till this day. We got used to our farcical alter-egos after a while, and it's still a great laugh whenever someone new joins us for supper and looks quizzically at me after Dass calls my name.
"Hah? What he call you ah? Zu....... what?!?"
That was a few months ago. Recently the supper club swelled to include Johel, Bryan and Shaun. Johel is slightly rotund, and so he became "Gimu", short for "Gemuk". Shaun, who is short and stout, was christened "Hobbit". It's funny enough when you recognise the obvious reason we gave him the name, but it's hilarious whenever you hear an Indian national - who has probably never watched Lord of the Rings - call Shaun.
Botak will go,"Das! Apa nama dia? Apa nama dia?" while pointing at Shaun and grinning like an idiot.
"Uh....ah...... *thinks hard*........ Ah! Wuobbit!"
Priceless.
But the best name was reserved for my good friend Bryan, a huge guy who weighs 120 kilos and hates it when ppl call him fat. So of course I have to insult him about his weight all the time, even though I usually never pick on fat ppl. Just because it's so funny getting a rise out of him. But anyway, in the grand tradition of Zung and Keanu, which were plucked out of thin air, we gave Bryan a name that would be immortalised in etymological folklore.
I told Dass,"nama dia Veji-lah."
Das said,"hah? veji-ah?"
I said,"Ya ya. Veji. Veji Nah."
"Wuoh! Veji nah! *gives thumbs up sign* wuokay wuokay!"
And that, my friends, is how Bryan came to be known as "Vagina".
Monday, May 15, 2006
Hedonism...... again!
Without divulging too many details, let's just say that the "outing" to Serendah was........ torrid. Before I knew what was happening, we were hurtling down the long smooth tunnel to substance-induced unconsciousness, enveloped in a cocoon of gluttony and unrestrained stupidity.Oh it was a wild one. First of all, I had absolutely no idea where we were going. My friend - let's call him SkinnyBoy - just told me,"Oh serendah. It's a really nice place. I can't describe it. You have to see it to understand." Any further attempts to elicit details was met with a "diu... you have to see it to understand." or another offer to stuff my gullet with the unbelievable amount of great food available in the Selayang/Kepong area. The first answer was met with no small amount of profanities, but the second one..... well, the second one was a great way to distract. I had the best fucking bak kut teh ever.
All the while I'm thinking: How can Serendah be nice? It's in the middle of a jungle- lowland jungle, to be precise - and I staunchly believed that lowland tropical jungle = mosquitoes + heat + sweat + mess. Last year, I trudged my weary limbs down 30,000 metres of treacherous, muddy, moist, leech-infested, and heartbreakingly lonely jungle in Endau Rompin, and it was so bad it made me, an avowed naturalist and tree-hugger swear off trekking. The prospects for a shack in the lowlands near Ulu Yam didn't look too good, if you know what I mean.
But then he also promised me that he'd bring a wild party-girl friend of his. In his words,"You should meet my friend lah. She's the 'wild-type' one. You should hook up with her. Yeah yeah she's pretty hot. Damn nice body....."
Oh alright SkinnyBoy, but only as a favour to you :)
So the bastard woke me up too fucking early in the morning(because he couldn't sleep), and the first thing he said was,"DIU! She bringing her boyfriend lah. Fuck....." plus a lot of things that really cannot be printed(even on this page, I kid you not). To say the least, I was "a tad annoyed". WildGirl was bringing boyfriend, so I was basically on a jungle trip with 6 strange guys? Oh joy, oh happiness. For some reason the words "sausage-fest" kept appearing in my mind. In no uncertain terms, I gave SkinnyBoy my colourful, expressive, vocal, and very poetic two cents worth, and he could only laugh sheepishly.
As we picked up his friends one by one, the first comment every fucker had when he got into the car was "She's bringing her boyfriend!______!!!" in hokkien(fill blank with expletive). The ensuing conversations between SkinnyBoy and his friends were of a high decibel range, and was laden with lots of "hor lang kan"(let people fuck) and "kan ni neh"(fuck your mum) and "cibai"(cunt) and "lanciau"(dick) when referring to the frustrating situation of WildGirl bringing her other half. It was so funny I almost forgave SkinnyBoy. Later I found out she knew them all since school, and was the resident hot mama that they all openly fantasised about, and was teased about her (amazingly pneumatic) chest.... and other parts........ all the tiime.
So we got to the place. And it really is an awesome place.
AWESOME! I'll have to bring my girlfriend there sometime. Anyway, as you can see from the pictures, it's great. WildGirl was walking up the steps and I was right. behind. her. What a sight. I tell you, I love her from the heart of her bottom.The plan was to have a big cookout that night, with the implicit understanding that everyone was gonna get smashed, as they did every other time they went there. I didn't know that(nobody ever warns me. WTF) and thought that it was just a friendly barbeque. As a result, I was the butt of sissy-boy insults for most of the night for trying to avoid alcohol. Failed eventually, but not before holding out as long as I could.
"Hey SkinnyBoy, I thought you said he could drink? What, is he gay or something?" *sigh*
But before that, there was a massive barbecue. SkinnyBoy even made a fucking fondue on the grill, and to top it off(because everyone was losing control), the guys even called V-Sixer, this huge fat guy who was arriving late, to 'tapau' KFC when he came in. AFTER ALL THAT FOOD!!!! The best part was when he arrived, V-Sixer had bought a BUCKET of fried chicken. 21 hunks of Hot and Spicy batter-covered chicken meat, when everyone was literally having difficulty breathing, from all the tiger prawns and lamb and steak and salmon and sausages they had inhaled.
After complaining about how we were going to burst, what the fuck were you thinking buying a bucket, what the fuck you're the one that called me to buy, how to finish this I just ate a kilo of prawns, etc, etc..... everyone proceeded to drink some beer or wine, and then dug into the KFC. Bloody gluttons.
And then all the drinking and
name-calling and playing pranks on each other started. I sat in a corner quietly trying to avoid alcohol and got called, in chronological order, an idiot, a liar, a homosexual, a liar, and someone who didn't give face(oh I got that a lot), by a bunch of people that I had only met that day. They were downing beers in one gulp and were drinking wine from the spigot. No exaggeration. I considered myself lucky to get away with a beer mug(!!!!) full of wine and two cans of Carlsberg during the barbecue, but then they brought out the brandy and it was chaos. Drinking games then proceeded and the guys got well and truly smashed. I couldn't avoid the games and was forced to down copious amounts of french alcohol too :((((By the end of the night we had:
- fat guy pole-dancing
- lots of shouting
- singing off-key to 80s music
- same fat guy hugging a subwoofer to sleep while drooling and moaning
- drunk people suddenly waking up and inviting everyone to jump into the freezing waters(it had rained earlier) of the jungle pool, then promptly falling back to sleep snoring and moaning.
- barbecued leather sandals
- threats of dismemberment if anyone touched the only carton of orange juice.
- collapsible beach chairs collapsing on people.
- blatant staring(me) at WildGirl, and ignoring her sissy boyfriend who gave me a dirty look.
- vacuum cleaner firing up at 1am. I shall not elaborate.
Damned waste. The lights were out and the stream was tinkling and the rain was just dripping off the leaves and we were curled up in beach chairs sipping coffee and and everyone else had crashed out and there was really romantic jazz music on and she had just admitted that she "was too old to party much anymore heehee"....... Then came loud elephant-stomps down the stairs and lots of dirty looks at me from the antisocial geeky dude, ruining everything. How I wished it was the viking ages. I'd have asked my men to castrate the little sissy.
In short, no heart of the bottom for me. What a loss for WildGirl. Serendah was awesome though. Anyone up for a trip soon?
Monday, May 08, 2006
All A Guy Wants.............
He wants a woman he can call "my girl" even when she's old and grey. He wants a girl who is kind when she doesn't have to, who sees people as they are, and loves him without condition. He wants a girl who is strong outside, yet soft, vulnerable, and beautiful inside. He wants a classy girl who's as comfortable with royalty as she is with beggars and the destitute. He wants a shy girl who goes red when he teases her. He wants a feisty girl that teases him back after she goes red. He wants someone with a mind as quick as his. He wants a girl who will be a great mother to his children. He wants a girl who's happy whenever she's with him, even if all he has is a simple hut and enough food for the next meal. He wants a smart girl who trusts him absolutely, and believes in him inequivocably. He wants a girl who will tell him when he's wrong, someone he will listen to when she tells him he's wrong. He wants her to love his family as he does.
He wants a gentle girl, a happy girl. He wants a tall girl, a voluptous girl. He wants a girl so gorgeous his mind spins when he first sets sights on her, but impresses him so much with mind and soul that he forgets about her looks.
All a guy wants is a simple, classy girl.
....is a nymphomaniac-scientist-supermodel. Talk so much for what? 3 words describe it all.
Friday, May 05, 2006
2 Funny Conversations
The first one, with Elaine, darling bud of May, who also considered this conversation funny enough to post the best part.........
Elaine:no no no..my mind is still stuck on a certain dinner dress im buying later
Me: buying from oshkosh b'gosh? [I tease her all the time about her height....her lack of height]
Elaine: *smirks*thats so passe
Me: guess kids?
Elaine:nowadays kids go for topshop kids
Me: Tell me about it.
Elaine:do NOT laugh. It's a place called "Cat's Whiskers."
Me: *mmph*
Elaine:its a great boutique in bangsar and hartamas. and they have another branch, heh, right smack in front of my office here
Me: dinner dress for.....gandalf coming to visit? [again referring to her as a tiny hobbit]
Elaine:for semi-formal dinners...like the farewell dinners for YE....my dresses and skirts are either too formal (gowns for weddings etc) or too informal
Me: oh ok ok
Elaine:gandalf and i aint talking. he wouldnt let me magically whip up some height
Me: whip? *suggestive smiley*hahahha
Elaine:FIGURE OF SPEECH! SHEESH. the only thing that should be whipped here is you, and i wont be the one doing it
Me:ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! that sounds naughty!!!! so when shall we do it?
Elaine:ahha
Me: saucy hobbit ;)
Elaine:..............
Me:so lemme get this straight... you're buying a cock tail dress from a pussy hair shop....
Elaine:WAHAHAHAHZHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. *meowrr*
........And the second one with Erlend, my Norwegian brother, who was trying to explain to me an outdoor game played with sticks. The gorgeous Liv-Mari explained it to me as "throwing a stick at another stick", and I already had a great time teasing her, and now Erlend attempted to explain his version. Erlend doesn't speak very good English, and I can't speak Norsk for nuts. Hilarity ensues as the game 'kubb' is explained......
erlend says: kubb.. eh.. its a game where u are throwing limer after some other small treethings..
Khai Tzer says: limer?
erlend says: limer=limber
Khai Tzer says: limber?
erlend says: like a big tree
Khai Tzer says: you take a big tree and throw at a little tree?
Khai Tzer says: ?!?!?!
erlend says: lumber
Khai Tzer says: WUAHAHHAHAHAHA
erlend says: it is
Khai Tzer says:is there such a thing!?!??!!?
erlend says: sort of
erlend says: its called kubb
Khai Tzer says: that's the funniest thing i've heard!
erlend says: hehe
Khai Tzer says: but won't the little tree die?
erlend says: its a nice game
erlend says: nah its all ready dead
erlend says: we have chopped it down and uses the same trees year after year
Khai Tzer says: kubb?
Khai Tzer says: what's thte point of the game
Khai Tzer says: ?
erlend says: kubb..?
erlend says: in norvegian it means something like.. ehh .. cant find a good word for it
erlend says: u know when u are burning wood
erlend says: u cut it in small nice peices
erlend says: u got a kubb
Khai Tzer says: ah...
Khai Tzer says: twigs, chippings.....
erlend says: propably
Khai Tzer says: then you throw it at a tree?
Khai Tzer says: to hit a target?
erlend says: u have to try it ones
erlend says: then u will see
Khai Tzer says: do you get points?
Khai Tzer says: how do you keep count?
Khai Tzer says: or do you just throw it at the tree until the tree cries?
erlend says: its a old game from the viking time.. the meaning is to throw down the other teams small trees
Khai Tzer says: so you throw until the trees fall down?
erlend says: nonono
Khai Tzer says: then?
erlend says: its not stuck to the ground
erlend says: when u hit it, it fell over
You can imagine the amount of incredulity and laughter that resulted from this little exchange. Click here to see kubb explained properly.
Elaine:no no no..my mind is still stuck on a certain dinner dress im buying later
Me: buying from oshkosh b'gosh? [I tease her all the time about her height....her lack of height]
Elaine: *smirks*thats so passe
Me: guess kids?
Elaine:nowadays kids go for topshop kids
Me: Tell me about it.
Elaine:do NOT laugh. It's a place called "Cat's Whiskers."
Me: *mmph*
Elaine:its a great boutique in bangsar and hartamas. and they have another branch, heh, right smack in front of my office here
Me: dinner dress for.....gandalf coming to visit? [again referring to her as a tiny hobbit]
Elaine:for semi-formal dinners...like the farewell dinners for YE....my dresses and skirts are either too formal (gowns for weddings etc) or too informal
Me: oh ok ok
Elaine:gandalf and i aint talking. he wouldnt let me magically whip up some height
Me: whip? *suggestive smiley*hahahha
Elaine:FIGURE OF SPEECH! SHEESH. the only thing that should be whipped here is you, and i wont be the one doing it
Me:ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! that sounds naughty!!!! so when shall we do it?
Elaine:ahha
Me: saucy hobbit ;)
Elaine:..............
Me:so lemme get this straight... you're buying a cock tail dress from a pussy hair shop....
Elaine:WAHAHAHAHZHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. *meowrr*
........And the second one with Erlend, my Norwegian brother, who was trying to explain to me an outdoor game played with sticks. The gorgeous Liv-Mari explained it to me as "throwing a stick at another stick", and I already had a great time teasing her, and now Erlend attempted to explain his version. Erlend doesn't speak very good English, and I can't speak Norsk for nuts. Hilarity ensues as the game 'kubb' is explained......
erlend says: kubb.. eh.. its a game where u are throwing limer after some other small treethings..
Khai Tzer says: limer?
erlend says: limer=limber
Khai Tzer says: limber?
erlend says: like a big tree
Khai Tzer says: you take a big tree and throw at a little tree?
Khai Tzer says: ?!?!?!
erlend says: lumber
Khai Tzer says: WUAHAHHAHAHAHA
erlend says: it is
Khai Tzer says:is there such a thing!?!??!!?
erlend says: sort of
erlend says: its called kubb
Khai Tzer says: that's the funniest thing i've heard!
erlend says: hehe
Khai Tzer says: but won't the little tree die?
erlend says: its a nice game
erlend says: nah its all ready dead
erlend says: we have chopped it down and uses the same trees year after year
Khai Tzer says: kubb?
Khai Tzer says: what's thte point of the game
Khai Tzer says: ?
erlend says: kubb..?
erlend says: in norvegian it means something like.. ehh .. cant find a good word for it
erlend says: u know when u are burning wood
erlend says: u cut it in small nice peices
erlend says: u got a kubb
Khai Tzer says: ah...
Khai Tzer says: twigs, chippings.....
erlend says: propably
Khai Tzer says: then you throw it at a tree?
Khai Tzer says: to hit a target?
erlend says: u have to try it ones
erlend says: then u will see
Khai Tzer says: do you get points?
Khai Tzer says: how do you keep count?
Khai Tzer says: or do you just throw it at the tree until the tree cries?
erlend says: its a old game from the viking time.. the meaning is to throw down the other teams small trees
Khai Tzer says: so you throw until the trees fall down?
erlend says: nonono
Khai Tzer says: then?
erlend says: its not stuck to the ground
erlend says: when u hit it, it fell over
You can imagine the amount of incredulity and laughter that resulted from this little exchange. Click here to see kubb explained properly.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Interesting things that happened this past week
1. Beach Club, Labour Day eve: On the podium in the centre, there was a bangla dude dry-humping a slutty whore from behind to the beat of trance music. At one point, he even pushed her head down as he literally slammed her from behind, in front of the entire club. It was horrendously surreal.
2. Labour day, driving home on the beautiful Yong Peng- Paloh road, mummy and I practise our grammar:
*I twitch the steering wheel to avoid a dead musang on the road*
Mummy:"OI!! WHAT HAPPEN?!?!?"
Me :"Uh nothing lah. It's a musang."
Mummy:"Hah?"
Me :"I mean, it WAS a musang. The thing is alread......."
*swings steering wheel violently to the left again as another fucking fox crosses the road*
Mummy:"What was THAT?!?!??!"
Me "Is. That IS a musang."
I also avoid 6 dogs a cat, and 2 other musangs and at least 1 cibai Paloh motorcyclist within the 1 hour drive.
3. I saw a huge heron that was half as tall as me.
4. I discovered the joys of couch potato-hood with a long weekend back home.
5. A 6-series(M6) and 612 Scaglietti(both red) in convoy overtook us so fast on the highway that we couldn't even see whether the plates were Malaysian or Singaporean. There were just two incredibly loud whooshes, and by the time we turned out into the fast lane, they had left us at least half a kilometre behind.
6. Elaine has a huge bush.
2. Labour day, driving home on the beautiful Yong Peng- Paloh road, mummy and I practise our grammar:
*I twitch the steering wheel to avoid a dead musang on the road*
Mummy:"OI!! WHAT HAPPEN?!?!?"
Me :"Uh nothing lah. It's a musang."
Mummy:"Hah?"
Me :"I mean, it WAS a musang. The thing is alread......."
*swings steering wheel violently to the left again as another fucking fox crosses the road*
Mummy:"What was THAT?!?!??!"
Me "Is. That IS a musang."
I also avoid 6 dogs a cat, and 2 other musangs and at least 1 cibai Paloh motorcyclist within the 1 hour drive.
3. I saw a huge heron that was half as tall as me.
4. I discovered the joys of couch potato-hood with a long weekend back home.
5. A 6-series(M6) and 612 Scaglietti(both red) in convoy overtook us so fast on the highway that we couldn't even see whether the plates were Malaysian or Singaporean. There were just two incredibly loud whooshes, and by the time we turned out into the fast lane, they had left us at least half a kilometre behind.
6. Elaine has a huge bush.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Funny Conversation
After a hilarious go-kart session where my phone flew out of my pocket and disintegrated into little pieces and the kart was so unbalanced that my hands and ass were numb after 10 minutes, we crawled out from the snug seats with sweaty heads and helmet hair and huge grins on our faces.
Anthony: Well that was fun wasn't it??!? Hahahahahahha
Me: Wooohoooo!! Damn right! I overtook all of you! Nyehehehehhehe.... But my ass is all numb. Oh my poor ass.
Anthony: But 10 minutes was too short..... *pause*...... as with all the fun things in life. *waggles eyebrows and cheeky grin*
Me:I don't know bout you, but it takes more than 10 minutes for me........ *waggles eyebrows*
*both crack up laughing*
Anthony: Well that was fun wasn't it??!? Hahahahahahha
Me: Wooohoooo!! Damn right! I overtook all of you! Nyehehehehhehe.... But my ass is all numb. Oh my poor ass.
Anthony: But 10 minutes was too short..... *pause*...... as with all the fun things in life. *waggles eyebrows and cheeky grin*
Me:I don't know bout you, but it takes more than 10 minutes for me........ *waggles eyebrows*
*both crack up laughing*
How to know if you were born between 1980-1984,
1. Guys: Voltron, He-Man, Thundercats, Mask, TRANSFORMERS!!!!!
2. Girls: Jem, The Smurfs, The Care Bears.
*sidenote: If that pang of nostalgia is inspiring you to find old episodes of your favourite cartoon..... for the love of god, don't. I watched an old episode of Smurfs and Thundercats the other day, and they sucked harder than my mom's Electrolux vacuum cleaner. The art was crap and the dialogue was so contrived I almost puked my guts. Plus with those heels and the big blonde hair, that Smurfette is obviously a nympho-slut. Oh God! See what happens when you watch innocent old cartoons with your grown-up dirty mind?!?!?
3. Michael Jackson was black, and a god; Not white, and a joke. Mum told me I knew 'beat it' before I could even talk properly.
4. VCD?!? Fuck off lah! Only got videotape.
5. Disney cartoons were still 2-d, and hand-animated.
6. No iPod. Discman also don't have. Only got BoomBox and Walkman.
7. Your dad owned a Datsun, not a Nissan.
8. No Proton Saga yet.
9. Every house has a Toyota Corolla/Honda Accord.
10. black-and-green computer screens.
11. There were only 2 constants in life: Lee Kuan Yew and Mahathir Mohammad.
12. When you called someone, you said,"Hello, can I speak to Ahmad please", not "Oi! Where are you?" and you dialed by using a REAL rotary dial, not a keypad.
13. Small kids actually played "catching" in the evenings instead of going for tuition all fucking day long for 12 years at a stretch.
14. You were best friends, not awkward strangers, with your neighbours.
15. Micro Genius was your (only) game console of choice.
16. In primary school, there was a game called "Pepsi Cola".
17. You could buy legal fireworks during Chinese New Year (but as with all good things in life, it's much nicer when they're illegal, so fellate away while chewing gum, you stupid Singaporeans!!!)
18. 1 Ringgit could buy more than 1 Singapore Dollar.
19. Genting Highlands was heaven.
20. You could have a feast at the school canteen for RM1.
21. In secondary school, having a mobile phone was surprising, having a 3210 made people gasp in awe, and we were only ever heard of people with an 8210 or a StarTac.
22. BMX, not Mountain Bike.
23. TVs didn't have remote controls when you were a kid.
24. Internet?
25. Central locking?
26. Microwave oven?
27. Diego Maradona, not Diego the Sabretooth Tiger.
28. Michael Jordan, not Yao Ming.
29. Football, not Futsal.
30. American Express, not Mastercard.
31. 80 sen petrol.
32. Seremban was still the world's most idyllic, perfect place.
33. Yaohan! Oooh boy, no trip to KL was complete without a trip there.
34. Kentucky Fried Chicken was called"Kentucky" for short("Ei let's go Kentucky"), and it sold beer instead of all that tomyam flavoured shit.
35. People actually went to A&W.
36. Alcohol and cigarettes were cheap.
2. Girls: Jem, The Smurfs, The Care Bears.
*sidenote: If that pang of nostalgia is inspiring you to find old episodes of your favourite cartoon..... for the love of god, don't. I watched an old episode of Smurfs and Thundercats the other day, and they sucked harder than my mom's Electrolux vacuum cleaner. The art was crap and the dialogue was so contrived I almost puked my guts. Plus with those heels and the big blonde hair, that Smurfette is obviously a nympho-slut. Oh God! See what happens when you watch innocent old cartoons with your grown-up dirty mind?!?!?
3. Michael Jackson was black, and a god; Not white, and a joke. Mum told me I knew 'beat it' before I could even talk properly.
4. VCD?!? Fuck off lah! Only got videotape.
5. Disney cartoons were still 2-d, and hand-animated.
6. No iPod. Discman also don't have. Only got BoomBox and Walkman.
7. Your dad owned a Datsun, not a Nissan.
8. No Proton Saga yet.
9. Every house has a Toyota Corolla/Honda Accord.
10. black-and-green computer screens.
11. There were only 2 constants in life: Lee Kuan Yew and Mahathir Mohammad.
12. When you called someone, you said,"Hello, can I speak to Ahmad please", not "Oi! Where are you?" and you dialed by using a REAL rotary dial, not a keypad.
13. Small kids actually played "catching" in the evenings instead of going for tuition all fucking day long for 12 years at a stretch.
14. You were best friends, not awkward strangers, with your neighbours.
15. Micro Genius was your (only) game console of choice.
16. In primary school, there was a game called "Pepsi Cola".
17. You could buy legal fireworks during Chinese New Year (but as with all good things in life, it's much nicer when they're illegal, so fellate away while chewing gum, you stupid Singaporeans!!!)
18. 1 Ringgit could buy more than 1 Singapore Dollar.
19. Genting Highlands was heaven.
20. You could have a feast at the school canteen for RM1.
21. In secondary school, having a mobile phone was surprising, having a 3210 made people gasp in awe, and we were only ever heard of people with an 8210 or a StarTac.
22. BMX, not Mountain Bike.
23. TVs didn't have remote controls when you were a kid.
24. Internet?
25. Central locking?
26. Microwave oven?
27. Diego Maradona, not Diego the Sabretooth Tiger.
28. Michael Jordan, not Yao Ming.
29. Football, not Futsal.
30. American Express, not Mastercard.
31. 80 sen petrol.
32. Seremban was still the world's most idyllic, perfect place.
33. Yaohan! Oooh boy, no trip to KL was complete without a trip there.
34. Kentucky Fried Chicken was called"Kentucky" for short("Ei let's go Kentucky"), and it sold beer instead of all that tomyam flavoured shit.
35. People actually went to A&W.
36. Alcohol and cigarettes were cheap.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Sheng Wai Comes in Public!!!
Check out that orgasmic look on his face. What a perverted little motherfucker. And there were small kids around too!!! Most importantly, he was looking at a fat old aunty with grey-blonde hair and saggy tits when I caught him doing this. HAAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA. Bryan, SW and I got a whole load of laughs and wet shoes trying to get this perfect shot at the Genting Theme Park and it was too funny not to post.
Friday, March 31, 2006
All-Night Bender
Absolut Citron. *bleargh*
Do you know what's happiness?
In the blinded floating happy uninhibited world that occurs when you're drunk(as I am now), you realise with a start that money doesn't matter a whit in happiness. What really makes you happy is the warm feeling you get inside when you realise that you're having fun with the people you love, whether your family or your good friends.
I just spent the night playing chor dai di with my brothers in basketball, David and Bryan, at David's place, and later with Li Jin and Johel too. The loser of every round had to down a shot of vodka, and I turned out to be the big loser until I changed places with Bryan, whereupon I won every single round until the end of our party(weird, I know). In any case, 5 people finished 2 bottles of vodka and almost 5 litres of red wine. I don't like drinking, and I didn't even know I could drink so much until just now. In fact, I'm damn fucking surprised I can still type straight after drinking so much. David drank half what I did and was almost out cold, other than the fact that he took every chance to jab my asshole with his finger and laugh maniacally afterwards, all the while asking me if my mom fed me beer when I was a baby why the fuck can I drink so much. Dude, I don't care. There's nothing so great about being able to destroy your brain cells with ethanol. My ass is still sore from his fingering. What a bastard.
I love you, guys. What a SMASHING weekend. And Elaine told me she's going to introduce me to Lily, her cute friend, while treating me to a filet-o-fish at the scottish burger place.... McDonald's LOL. I can't wait!
Do you know what's happiness?
In the blinded floating happy uninhibited world that occurs when you're drunk(as I am now), you realise with a start that money doesn't matter a whit in happiness. What really makes you happy is the warm feeling you get inside when you realise that you're having fun with the people you love, whether your family or your good friends.
I just spent the night playing chor dai di with my brothers in basketball, David and Bryan, at David's place, and later with Li Jin and Johel too. The loser of every round had to down a shot of vodka, and I turned out to be the big loser until I changed places with Bryan, whereupon I won every single round until the end of our party(weird, I know). In any case, 5 people finished 2 bottles of vodka and almost 5 litres of red wine. I don't like drinking, and I didn't even know I could drink so much until just now. In fact, I'm damn fucking surprised I can still type straight after drinking so much. David drank half what I did and was almost out cold, other than the fact that he took every chance to jab my asshole with his finger and laugh maniacally afterwards, all the while asking me if my mom fed me beer when I was a baby why the fuck can I drink so much. Dude, I don't care. There's nothing so great about being able to destroy your brain cells with ethanol. My ass is still sore from his fingering. What a bastard.
I love you, guys. What a SMASHING weekend. And Elaine told me she's going to introduce me to Lily, her cute friend, while treating me to a filet-o-fish at the scottish burger place.... McDonald's LOL. I can't wait!
Thursday, March 30, 2006
I Heart You Guys Too!
I got a free top-up on my sim-card from Mills and Co.(my old colleagues) at DiGi on the excuse of doing testing. I Heart All You Guys Too!
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Proven: Pork fat is good for health!!!!
No. I am not joking. Click on this link to read the full article. This is what they should do with biotechnology!!! All that boring stem-cell research, telomerase lengthening, glow-in-the-dark fish nonsense has finally given way to a proper use of life sciences and technologies: Scientists have managed to engineer pigs to produce omega-3 fatty acids. Woo-hoo!!!
"Because of the study, pork products such as bacon, ham and others that are loaded with artery-clogging saturated fats and cholesterol may become beneficial to cardiovascular health in the future." says the article. And then it goes on and on about eicosapentaenoic acid and docosahexaenoic acid and battery acid and some nonsense I wasn't too bothered about reading. I was imagining the possibilities:
"Dear! The doctor says my cholesterol has been a bit high lately...... Oh and you know how the salmon and tuna nowadays are poisoned with mercury and PCBs. I guess we can't get our omega-3 from fish..... I guess we'll just have to eat more bacon and bak kut teh then......."
WAH!!!
*Mr. Mackay South Park voice: "Life is goo-ood, mm-kay?"
"Because of the study, pork products such as bacon, ham and others that are loaded with artery-clogging saturated fats and cholesterol may become beneficial to cardiovascular health in the future." says the article. And then it goes on and on about eicosapentaenoic acid and docosahexaenoic acid and battery acid and some nonsense I wasn't too bothered about reading. I was imagining the possibilities:
"Dear! The doctor says my cholesterol has been a bit high lately...... Oh and you know how the salmon and tuna nowadays are poisoned with mercury and PCBs. I guess we can't get our omega-3 from fish..... I guess we'll just have to eat more bacon and bak kut teh then......."
WAH!!!
*Mr. Mackay South Park voice: "Life is goo-ood, mm-kay?"
Monday, March 06, 2006
Prank of the Day
Some background before I begin this story: Botak and I are good friends with this guy who works at the Chick Showroom. His name is Dass and he's from Chennai, India. He sits down with us when it's not very busy and we try to talk. Dass is 23, really skinny, has a gentle disposition and is very friendly. I suspect that he enjoys our company almost as much as we enjoy his. We communicate using the Malay he's learnt and his Inglish and our Manglish, and it usually works. We bonded over a few yum cha sessions where he served us, using the lingua franca of males everywhere: dirty jokes, lewd gestures, and comments insulting the respective sizes of our manhoods(menhood?). We play pranks on him and he plays pranks on us, all in good fun.
Botak's magic phrase is 'peyh pundek', meaning 'big pussy' in Tamil. Anytime Dass says anything, Botak just answers with 'peyh- pundek', unfailingly and faithfully. There has not been one yum-cha session that he doesn't answer Dass' 9 out of 10 questions with a variation of 'big pussy'. He could ask what Botak was doing the next day.... peyh-pundek..... What do you want to eat? peyh pundek. Hey SHHHH....not so loud there are many customers here you idiot........ "PEYH PUNDEK!!"..........
So today, Botak and I were at the Chick Showroom as usual. We were both really mellow for some reason(maybe because it's Sunday) so I decided to get Dass to teach me some Tamil to pass the time. It started when he asked me what I wanted to drink(in Tamil, no less).
"Nehn-nehn", I answered, with a totally straight face. Botak burst out laughing.
For those of you who don't speak English, 'nehn-nehn' is hokkien baby-talk for 'milk'. Recently though, Botak and I have been bastardizing the phrase by half-mumbling/half-moaning "nehnnnn-nnnnnnnnehn........." in pretend-hypnotism and staring with an unblinking spastic gaze at any pretty girl with a nice pair of breasts, like a retarded kid who's staring at candy and drooling, using the phrase nehn-nehn to mean breasts. It's really funny(unless you're a boring prissy missy, in which case fuck off, this story is not for you). The prettier the girl(and most importantly, the nicer her mammary glands, the more spastic you must look. The point is not the girl we're staring at - I mean, we'll appreciate the view like any normal red-blooded male - but how we show that we think she's hot. So if she's super-hot, we should pretend to be nose-bleeding, drooling, moaning "nuuuuuueeeeeeehn- NUUUEEEEHN!!!" and behaving with all the intelligence of a single-celled organism. If however, she's only moderately hot, we're supposed to just go 'nehn-nehn' with a mutual nod. If someone goes super-spastic over a chick who's actually really ugly when seen up close, the other guy must show a disgusted look and a disdainful sniff at the poor taste of the other.
As you can see, it's a really high-browed display of maturity and psychological superiority.
So when I told Dass I wanted to drink'nehn-nehn', Botak burst out laughing with his gleeful little-boy look. Dass just look confused and asked "apa?" in tamil-accented malay.
"nehn-nehn." and I mimed the shape of boobs using my hands.....
"wuooooh!!"Dass exclaimed in over-loud comprehension,"Tetek wa?!?"
You can imagine how loud Botak and I were laughing.
"Tetek tada-lah!!.... Yini mamak la..... podah......." and Dass made that what-an-idiot-you-are dismissive Indian gesture.
So after a lot of lewd locker-room banter to show that we still love each other, Dass told me,"muolai..... in Tamil, you can say...?.....Muolai... means.....?......... tetek.."
Oh, MUOLAI = BREASTS. Nyehehehehehe.
So anyway, Sian Jeen, who was late because he was picking up his sister from Assunta hospital, finally arrived. He commented about being hungry and asked us, since we were regulars, what was good at Tanjung. I decided to put my newfound knowledge to good use.
"Garlic naan...."I said,"nasi lemak....."
"Is the cheese naan good?"Sian Jeen asked.
Botak said,"They use the.... whaddya call it....."
"......Chesdale cheese."I finished.
"Ya ya, the flat packaged one....."Botak said,"The garlic naan is good. Seriously. You have to try."
"Ya, and they got this special Roti...."I said."They use milk wan. Very special wan. They do it really well......"
"Oh is it?"
"Ya. Roti Muolai...." I barely managed to suppress a laugh and pointedly avoided looking at Botak, who already had that laughing gleam in his eye and a raised eyebrow.
"Really? Condensed milk or what?"Sian Jeen asked in curiosity. I had to really stifle the urge to laugh now.
"Ya ya. Condensed milk."Botak answered in all seriousness."Dei DASS!!! Come!! Order!!!!"
So Dass came over with an earnest expression, and I pointed to Sian Jeen, indicating that he was the one who wanted to order.
Sian Jeen looked up at Dass and said,"uh.....Roti Muolai.."
Dass looked at him with a stunned, stoned expression for a few seconds, and then his wits returned and he turned his head to look at me and Botak with an exasperated expression that said You-bastards-why-the-fuck-do-you-do-this-to-me-all-the-time?!?!!??!!?
WUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAH!!!!
I laughed so hard I think the entire Chick Showroom was staring at me. I gave a high-five to Botak, who was also doubled over in mirth, and after we calmed down, we apologised to Sian Jeen even as Dass explained to him what "muolai" meant.
Another fruitful and productive day for Badman and Rub-In. Woohoo!
Botak's magic phrase is 'peyh pundek', meaning 'big pussy' in Tamil. Anytime Dass says anything, Botak just answers with 'peyh- pundek', unfailingly and faithfully. There has not been one yum-cha session that he doesn't answer Dass' 9 out of 10 questions with a variation of 'big pussy'. He could ask what Botak was doing the next day.... peyh-pundek..... What do you want to eat? peyh pundek. Hey SHHHH....not so loud there are many customers here you idiot........ "PEYH PUNDEK!!"..........
So today, Botak and I were at the Chick Showroom as usual. We were both really mellow for some reason(maybe because it's Sunday) so I decided to get Dass to teach me some Tamil to pass the time. It started when he asked me what I wanted to drink(in Tamil, no less).
"Nehn-nehn", I answered, with a totally straight face. Botak burst out laughing.
For those of you who don't speak English, 'nehn-nehn' is hokkien baby-talk for 'milk'. Recently though, Botak and I have been bastardizing the phrase by half-mumbling/half-moaning "nehnnnn-nnnnnnnnehn........." in pretend-hypnotism and staring with an unblinking spastic gaze at any pretty girl with a nice pair of breasts, like a retarded kid who's staring at candy and drooling, using the phrase nehn-nehn to mean breasts. It's really funny(unless you're a boring prissy missy, in which case fuck off, this story is not for you). The prettier the girl(and most importantly, the nicer her mammary glands, the more spastic you must look. The point is not the girl we're staring at - I mean, we'll appreciate the view like any normal red-blooded male - but how we show that we think she's hot. So if she's super-hot, we should pretend to be nose-bleeding, drooling, moaning "nuuuuuueeeeeeehn- NUUUEEEEHN!!!" and behaving with all the intelligence of a single-celled organism. If however, she's only moderately hot, we're supposed to just go 'nehn-nehn' with a mutual nod. If someone goes super-spastic over a chick who's actually really ugly when seen up close, the other guy must show a disgusted look and a disdainful sniff at the poor taste of the other.
As you can see, it's a really high-browed display of maturity and psychological superiority.
So when I told Dass I wanted to drink'nehn-nehn', Botak burst out laughing with his gleeful little-boy look. Dass just look confused and asked "apa?" in tamil-accented malay.
"nehn-nehn." and I mimed the shape of boobs using my hands.....
"wuooooh!!"Dass exclaimed in over-loud comprehension,"Tetek wa?!?"
You can imagine how loud Botak and I were laughing.
"Tetek tada-lah!!.... Yini mamak la..... podah......." and Dass made that what-an-idiot-you-are dismissive Indian gesture.
So after a lot of lewd locker-room banter to show that we still love each other, Dass told me,"muolai..... in Tamil, you can say...?.....Muolai... means.....?......... tetek.."
Oh, MUOLAI = BREASTS. Nyehehehehehe.
So anyway, Sian Jeen, who was late because he was picking up his sister from Assunta hospital, finally arrived. He commented about being hungry and asked us, since we were regulars, what was good at Tanjung. I decided to put my newfound knowledge to good use.
"Garlic naan...."I said,"nasi lemak....."
"Is the cheese naan good?"Sian Jeen asked.
Botak said,"They use the.... whaddya call it....."
"......Chesdale cheese."I finished.
"Ya ya, the flat packaged one....."Botak said,"The garlic naan is good. Seriously. You have to try."
"Ya, and they got this special Roti...."I said."They use milk wan. Very special wan. They do it really well......"
"Oh is it?"
"Ya. Roti Muolai...." I barely managed to suppress a laugh and pointedly avoided looking at Botak, who already had that laughing gleam in his eye and a raised eyebrow.
"Really? Condensed milk or what?"Sian Jeen asked in curiosity. I had to really stifle the urge to laugh now.
"Ya ya. Condensed milk."Botak answered in all seriousness."Dei DASS!!! Come!! Order!!!!"
So Dass came over with an earnest expression, and I pointed to Sian Jeen, indicating that he was the one who wanted to order.
Sian Jeen looked up at Dass and said,"uh.....Roti Muolai.."
Dass looked at him with a stunned, stoned expression for a few seconds, and then his wits returned and he turned his head to look at me and Botak with an exasperated expression that said You-bastards-why-the-fuck-do-you-do-this-to-me-all-the-time?!?!!??!!?
WUAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHAH!!!!
I laughed so hard I think the entire Chick Showroom was staring at me. I gave a high-five to Botak, who was also doubled over in mirth, and after we calmed down, we apologised to Sian Jeen even as Dass explained to him what "muolai" meant.
Another fruitful and productive day for Badman and Rub-In. Woohoo!
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