Metrosexualisation

I am slowly- but inevitably - turning gay.

Symptoms:
1. I cook. Better than most girls. Shite.
2. Thanks to my attentive, feminine but temperamental love slave,I now know the difference between cleanser, toner and moisturiser. Oh shite. Just shoot me and be done with it(for your information I still use only facewash though. No, it's called FACEWASH, and that's the most you'll get me to admit).
3. I can dress amazingly well if I want to(uh-oh).
4. My skin has miraculously cleared up. I've even had guys compliment me on my skin. The skin of a person who could have been nicknamed "moonface" or "volcano" while at school.
5. I read everything. A LOT of everything.
6. People compliment/deride my fit physique(oh shite!!!!).
7. I'm so tolerant of homosexuals and their choice of sexuality that I don't even care whether someone is gay or straight anymore.
8. A girlfriend has laughed and said I look gay.
9. I have short, neat hair.
10. I insult girls. They like it(UH-OH!!!!)
11. I have worn my florid red Mambo hawaiian pants out in public with pride. I'm seriously screwed....
12. I still like pretty girls, but nowadays my first urge is to make friends with her and hope that she has a shining personality(can you believe I said shining? ohmygod *said in pondan voice and flutters fingers*)
13. I am an aspiring architect/designer. Oh shite oh shite oh shite.


Please save me, my friends. Please! Once I start to pierce my ears and smile a lot with perfect white teeth and develop the ability to have interesting conversations with strangers, it's all going to be over. I'll start fucking men. Today at Borders, I caught myself reading one cookbook and another on how to serve food with a flourish. And I only took three books.

I'm feeling so desperate that I'm not going to bathe for a week. I'm going to Svenson's tomorrow to implant hair between my brows, then I'm going to buy lots of red meat and beer, and watch premier league football while fucking a random girl I picked up and calling her whore and slut while we're doing it.

Shit. I almost said fucking her in the butt......

This is vaguely related: Sheng Jon told me a story yesterday about an acquaintance of his fucking a transvestite(or pondan for you homophobic buggers) in the butt, only to withdraw and see a fucking TAUGEH(bean sprout) stuck to the end of his dick after he was done...

HELP!!!!!!!!!