Sunday, December 11, 2005

Everyone's trying to kill me......

....... or at the very least, spend extra energy and effort in ensuring that I become fat and die young. God forbid that I ever achieve my dreams of leaping 44", compete in a triathlon, bench press 150kgs, or most abhorrently*gasp* have 6% body fat. I am a little afraid of their behaviour.

Why this fear? Well, I have an overwhelming, undisguisable wish: To live forever.

So far so good.

But it hasn't helped that I get derision, sarcasm, and sometimes volatile disgust when people get to know of it.

I don't even bother telling my friends about it, since I've received enough scathing remarks from just attempting to eat well and exercise. Some of them insert snide remarks about how "fit and good-looking" I am, while they're "fat and ugly, what girl would want me?" during regular conversation, for no particular reason than to give me a good dig. Others would deride my diet and say they'd rather die than live like me. I once got a "diu........ drink milk ah? What the fuck is this?" just for minding my own business and declining the offered coca-cola.

Sheng Wai tries (and fails) repeatedly to drag me to go drinking and whoring so often that I don't even need to say no anymore. He just asks and then we continue with whatever we were talking about. He's like the little devil on my shoulder, persistently hacking away at my moral fibre.

Relatives have commented(in barely hidden sarcasm) about my efforts and hard work in keeping myself in the peak of health. "Why you eat so healthy wan?*sneer*" has been uttered more than once, in a tone that suggests that I should be punished for not stuffing myself with lots of carbohydrates(the Asian way) and everything else oily and "tasty".

"Hei-yuh...... Like that oso cannot eat?!? You're so skinny. EAT LAH!!!!!! EAT!!!" my grandma would exhort(actually shout at me) in loud teowchew.

"jiak jiak jiak jiak jiak. ei........ lai lah. jiak jiak jiak......" *lots of food gets dumped on my plate by my granduncle while scolding me kindly in teowchew also.

"ei finish it lah ok?" Says my kind-hearted jee king(My mother's brother's wife)
"i'm full liau."
"Neeee-ver mind lah! Little bit more only. OK?" and proceeds to scoop all the leftovers onto my plate. After all, since I'm so fit and healthy, it wouldn't hurt for me to eat all the oily extras would it? THEY have to watch their meal intake since they "have high cholesterol".

Yay. Khai Tzer the Garbage Can.

I've also had "I'd rather die than eat that" thrown in my face when I refer to my preferred diet of unprocessed carbs, lean meat and preferably steaming or grilling.

"What? Gym again? Enough lah... You're fit enough already."

Even my mom, who's health conscious, has told me "We cannot totally don't eat oil wan!!!" in exasperation/desperation when I suggested gently that we leave out the oil in steamed veggie. "Your body needs oil!" I didn't want to explain that we get enough of 'hidden' oil from fish, nuts and other obscure sources and just finished my meal(it was delicious btw) with that extra tablespoonful of oil

It seems like every other person cannot stand the fact that I want to live healthily. Peer pressure and media suggest that a supremely fit 23-year old should be out "clubbing"(whatever that means), drinking and smoking. It's cool. People tell me,"Dude. You're cool. You shouldn't be worried about eating healthy and all that. That's so Uncle. You should be out clubbing and shit, you know?"

But of course! Why didn't I think of it? *slaps head* There's nothing cooler than 'trying' to dance with a semi-hot girl(because you're too pussy to hit on the hot ones) by grinding into her side while she ignores you, or drinking yourself into an unconscious stupor with horrendously overpriced alcohol. You can count me out. If you want to destroy your kidneys, do go ahead, and make sure you drink more than your liver can handle ok? And do that before you think about having children, so we can avoid your lemmings genes spoiling my pristine gene pool, thereby ensuring the survival of homo sapiens.

Most young chinese males have an overpowering need to prove their manliness by demonstrating their ability to imbibe and by deriding those who decline to do so. What the fuck is that?!?!? Any idiot can pour liquid down his throat. I can drink you under ANY day, but I choose not to. What does it prove?

Come challenge me to basketball or driving fast, then we'll talk. I'll even take you on in a strength contest, or if you really want to, we could just unzip and compare penis sizes(I'd have to uncoil it from around my thigh first). That would be a test of manhood. Of course I'd win(my nickname is tripod and that's why I walk funny) but neither of us would die of liver cirrhosis after.

It's funny when it happens to you. And I've had this happen to me the fitter I become. I dropped another 2% body fat and gained another 2kgs of muscle recently, and the efforts by my detractors have doubled.

My older relatives(like my grandma) mean well. To them, it's good to be fat and round since they've experienced starvation during wartime and it's such a blessing that their grandson will never have to be thin.

But in the case of others, I suspect it's a mixture of peer pressure, a lack of health education, and the need for someone else to conform to their status quo. They don't want the hard work of getting fit, and it's a prickle on their conscience whenever someone else is. Better that you fit into my nice perfect normal world of average mediocre not-too-fit people than I work my ass off to fit into yours.

Honestly, other than with my immediate family, I don't give a damn. You can eat all the over-fried, over-salted trans fats and processed carbs you like. Hell, if you're visiting, I'll even cook you the best ever roast duck/pork knuckle stew you've ever tasted while I eat my oats and steamed chicken breasts. It's not some health nazi thing. It's just my choice. I don't lecture you about eating healthy. Why should you lecture me about giving up that mutton rendang?

Support me a little. Please. That's all I ask.

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