Friday, March 09, 2007

Goldilocks and the 3 bears, or "How to catch a movie for only RM3.33"

One fine day, there were 3 tall guys, all at least 6 ft. in height. They were like the 3 bears in the Goldilocks story - you know, Large, Medium, and Small- One weighed close to 100 kgs(The large one, we'll call him "Slim Baby"), one was 72 kgs (medium, let's call him "Medium"), and the last was a piffling 60 kgs despite being the tallest among the three (let's call him "skinny auditor boy").

So the three bears decided to catch a long anticipated movie that just opened that day, one inspired by a Frank Miller graphic novel about Spartans and some bullying Persians. As was with all plans that came to fruition with Slim Baby(the large one) and Medium around, it was a spur of the moment decision, made after basketball, like this:

"Eh wanna watch XXX movie ah?"
"Ok ok."
"Eh you leh? Wanna watch XXX movie ah?"
"Ok ok."
"Ok later I go buy ticket."

Turns out that the movie about some fucking Spartans was so bloody popular that we... I mean the 3 bears....... went to their regular empty cinema where it was practically assured that we could just waltz in and buy a movie ticket.... only to see the sign "sold out for *Spartan movie*"


So the 3 bears marched their ass down to another movie theatre, fairly confident that tickets were available since the next showtime was at midnight and it was a weeknight. To their disappointment and disbelief, the only seats available were on the second row.

So as bears do, they decided to forage for food before returning half an hour before midnight in the hope that they could buy the unclaimed reserved tickets. Slim Baby and Medium were constantly trying to make each other fat, with Medium being much more succesful than the 100kg Slim Baby. Conversation went like this:

SlimBaby: Wanna eat what? (Come let's go eat you bastard. I don't believe I won't make you fat)
Medium: Anything lah (Bastard. Trying to make me fat while you slim down? You don't know I'm on a secret diet)
SlimBaby: (in a sly I-dare-you-to tone) KFC lah!
Medium: Come lah! You think I scared ah? I'll match however many pieces you eat? So we order bucket lah ok? You eat 5 I eat 4.
SlimBaby: Tiiuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu..... now what time already? KFC!?!??!?!
Medium: Scared ah? You are the one that say one!!!
Slim Baby: Come lah!
Medium: Come lah!

All the while Skinny Auditor Bear was just shaking his head and laughing in amusement at the psychological games the other two were playing just to get each other fat.

(Oh, and they really went to get KFC at 11pm at night. Burp. Medium actually tapau-ed KFC next door to the mamak and ordered a mi goreng and an oily omelette just to irritate the overweight Slim Baby)

After a BMI- and cholesterol-boosting supper at the mamak, they marched back to the cinema, where Slim Baby and Skinny Auditor Boy proceeded to harass the management of the theatre to release the unclaimed tickets early (it was more than half an hour before the movie started). After alternately charming, teasing, cajoling, and harassing the ticket seller, who was so flustered he called his manager, the 2 bears managed to get a WONDERFUL spot while the crowds that were waiting for the half-hour mark gave them all dirty looks.

And this is what happened next: Slim Baby went to the toilet inside the cinema. And in order to do that, the ushers would hold your ticket while you used the loo, to make sure you came back out. When he came out, however, the ushers gave him back another 2 extra tickets in addition to the 3 that he had bought, so he now had 5.

Not comprehending what was really happening, he just said "huh?" and walked back to the other 2 bears with an uncomprehending, confused look on his face.

"Ei see see. They give me another 2 tickets woh."
"What two tickets?"
"For the same movie lah!"
"hah? So we got 5 tickets? Same showtime ah?"
"yaya same cinema everything."

So what do you do if you got 2 extra tickets? Sell it right? So Medium took it back to the box office and told the ticket guy that Slim Baby had harassed earlier to sell the tickets for him.

When Medium walked back to Slim Baby and Skinny Auditor Boy, he saw the two of them leaning against the wall, staring intently at the ushers at the entrance to the theatres, who were deep in argument with a guy who was turning beet in the face, gesturing animatedly and by the looks of it, very angrily while the ushers avoided eye contact while giving nervous smiles and I-don't-know shrugs.

"Oh diu loh diu loh.... Got ppl asking back for the ticket already sure," Slim Baby muttered under his breath while sweating profusely. Skinny Auditor Boy was still laughing. Just then, the guy's lady friend joined him(probably from the loo too) and proceeded to harangue the ushers together. The couple had really really black faces and the guy looked like he was ready to slap someone.

"Oh diu loh diu loh diu loh diu loh......" Slim baby chanted repeatedly under his breath.
"Aiyah I go take back the ticket lah." Medium said.

So Medium went back to the box office to take back the tickets so he could return them to the couple, but before he could say anything, the ticket guy put 2 RM10 notes into his hand..... the tickets had been sold. Diu loh!

Medium walked back to the other two bears with a tragicomic expression on his face, and the worried Slim Baby asked,"So how?"

In reply, Medium opened Slim Baby's palm and slapped 2 red paper notes into his hand.

"HUH?!?!?!?!? Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiuuuuuuuuuuuu loh!!!!! Sell already ah?!?!" Slim Baby shouted as a panicked expression appeared and the veins on his head started to swell. Medium and Skinny Auditor Boy burst out into laughter. People around the 3 bears were starting to give them weird looks.

Meanwhile the couple were close to hysterics. The 2 tickets were excellent seats, in the last row of the cinema in a corner, where they could make out to their hearts' content without disturbance. The guy was baring his teeth at the usher, while the woman was close to tears. It wouldn't have been hard to guess that he bought the ticket days in advance to get such good seats, waiting patiently day by day until the movie opened. For all we know she was a new target that he was operating on.

Tough luck Johnny boy. Medium and Skinny were in stitches, alternately laughing at poor Slim Baby( and his prickly conscience and watching him think aloud how to avoid the usher later since the 3 bears were all tall, and he was also "not slim", making him doubly recognisable when we went in), and then at the tragic couple who were almost jumping up and down now in abject frustration. We could only imagine the threats of lawsuits that were being hurled at the ushers.

Slim Baby was sweating bullets now. Literally. Skinny helped him sweat more.

Skinny: Eh you want my cap ah? In case they stop you and ask for their tickets back."
SlimBaby: Noneed noneed. Aiyoh........ sien ah!! Why like that wan!!!!"
Skinny + Medium: *burst out into uncontrolled laughter*

In the end, the 3 bears managed to avoid the usher by squeezing past with the crowd, but as they walked through to the cinema, a bitter aftertaste prompted Medium to say,"Damn that was fucked up. He probably bought those tickets a long time ago man. Fuck. Destroy his evening wei. Dirty money man. I don't wanna have anything to do with it."

The evil slim baby replied laconically, since he had already avoided the feared confrontation with the usher,"Haiya go back home pok yeh(fuck) lah. Early evening loh...."

Damn..... Slim Baby, you better give that 20 bucks to some orphanage. I'm just waiting for karma to strike.