Friday, March 07, 2008

Humour + Sadness

Hilaripity :- That urge to laugh and shake your head in sympathy at the same time. Frequently occurs when a good friend breaks up with his girl, and when you bring him out to drown his sorrows, he inevitably points out the girl in a group that looks like a carbon copy of her, and tells you "that girl is really hot". It's so funny. But it's so, so heartbreaking.


Cynicism. Now that's a sign of maturity. That and the languid acceptance that once crazy shit is just run-off-the-mill now......

Chinese Cosmopolitan Conundrum

I've been pondering this for a while now. Lend me your opinion.

What would you do if you frequently chance upon foreigners who take a condescending, stereotyped view of the East and disparage your culture or country UNKNOWINGLY?

Here's an example: You meet an American girl. She comments (with much finger-wagging and eye-rolling) "You know when I was in Terengganu? I sooooooo hate the way you people stare at me when I kiss my boyfriend. I mean, it wasn't like we were making out! It's just what couples do, right? And what about that horrible nasi lemak thing? It was so freaking hot! How could you eat something like that?"

Since you're intelligent, empathic, well-educated AND well-travelled, you immediately understand that she doesn't intentionally mean to offend. Her culture is one that encourages her to speak up and express herself, and so she's just giving her opinion on what she finds annoying. You know that she doesn't understand the pride locals take in their cuisine, and that the identities of both are inexoably linked. But you can't help but be pissed off that she's offending local sensibilities by kissing in public, and worse, she's insulting your food!

But you restrain yourself, and you hate it because you understand her culture intimately, and know for a fact that she didn't mean to cause the offence that she did. And you feel so geram that you can't just insult her back, because then you'd be as louche and unaccomodating as she.

Conversely, the moment you say something about real football being played not using the fake egg-shaped thing that huge men throw about on the field, she takes offence, going on about how stupid "soccer" is and how "people back home thinks it's a real dumb sport."

And therein lies my dilemma. Does harmony override pride? Where do you draw the line between "patience" and "doormat"? Does your upbringing and social grace dictate things, or do you allow yourself to ignore your own cultural references and take them on their own ground, using their own rules and logic? Doesn't that make you as uneducated and barbaric as they are? Or do you "do as the Romans do?"

Tell me.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

"So when are you getting married?"

What? Has everyone gone nuts all of a sudden? People are barely out of Uni. They're barely starting the rat race. What's with all these marriage talk? What happened to plain old "How are you?" What's with all the tacking on of "So, are you planning to......" at the end? Has it suddenly become acceptable for people in their mid-twenties to talk about marriage? When biological clocks and Asian male cowardice hold hands to overwhelm logic and common sense, suddenly getting hitched jumps into the forefront of our collective consciousness.

I don't mind when old friends ask me "Eh so bila kahwin?" as old friends do after they haven't seen each other for a while. I usually reply with "Eh don't curse me lah... so you leh? Bila kahwin?" Hehe. That's some funny shit. It's even better if you answer with "Aiyah my girlfriend lah. Forgot to use rubber that day. Now I'm puking every morning and got this weird craving for ice kacang. I also don't know how to tell my parents."

Then we got the marriage nazis. Look, I don't mind if you're getting married. That's your choice. On an intellectual level, I might even have the opinion that it's an outdated cultural relic that has no relevance in a world where we might soon see the first female American president. Doesn't mean that I'm not happy for my friends if they tell me they're getting hitched, with that glow on their faces and happiness in their eyes. I grab them and dance a jig with them. What turns me off are some insensitive people who think that just because they're planning to do it, other people have to rush out and do it too. And they ask you "when are you getting married?" in a tone of utter seriousness, even of casual acquaintances.

What gives you the right to ask such a personal question as "so when are you getting married?" Such insolence. Such utter lack of class and social grace. Here's a piece of advice, don't ask someone that unless you're sure they're getting married, or you might find yourself in an awkward situation. You know the saying about people who assume making and ass out of 'u' and 'me'? What makes you think that two people who are together are automatically getting married? Ever thought that asking such a question might be insulting to one or both parties? Ever figured out that you might be impinging upon the privacy and right to self-determination of a relationship?

Next person who asks me that, in a socially unacceptable manner, gets two possible answers.

If you're a guy,"So when do you plan to bring your sister/mother for me to fuck?"
If you're a girl,"So when are you planning on taking it up the ass?"

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Pet peeves

1. When I overhear an argument between morons, both with their facts wrong.....
"Eh Yugoslovakia lah!"
"No no! Czechoslovakia and Serbia were both part of Bosnia-Herzegovina!"

............. niama. Worse than nails scratching on blackboard. What the fuck is a Yugoslovakia?

2. Fake tits.

3. Primary schoolkids practicing "the shuffle", which brings me to...

4. Ah Bengs.

5. DOTA. Get a life.

6. Radio deejays on the 'hit stations' spewing a million words a minute when talking to people who call in. They're like banner ads on a website: A lot of noise but no content.

7. People who repeat hearsay as gospel. "I heard...." "They say...." Here's a tip, unless it's first-hand info, it's usually bullshit. And you're a dumbass for believing bullshit.

8. Fuckers who use the word "Bro..." in inappropriate context. They'll bro the waiters, the ushers, the fucking bouncers, the bartenders and every one of the help, and then turn around and complain to their friends about the atrocious service. What the fuck? Your brother wut! You settle it lah!

9. Obviously beta fuckers who brag and try to show-off about the number of girls they've banged. Same goes for girls who brag about the number of boyfriends they've had. Ish. Attention deficit meh? Who cares??

10. Feminazis. Let's not get started.

11. The fuckers who study overseas for a few years, then come back and speak to their own people with the 'fili-feleh' accent. Diu lei lou mou chau hai...... Oh you understand ah? I thought you guai lou! Sorry ah! :)

12. People(pronounced "Soh-hais") who drive slowly in the fast lane, or worst yet, drive slowly while hogging both lanes.

13. Taxi drivers. Oh wait. I'm being redundant.

13. Mercedes drivers. Oh wait. I'm being redundant again.

14. Subang drivers. Oh wait... again. Sorry.

15. Seeing melt-your-shoes-off-hot girls with ugly-looking dudes.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Lush, Kaki Botol, Alcoholic, Bar Fly, Drunkard

While (tee-)totally sober last night, I had an epiphany (Oh it was horrible. Whoever it was that said enlightenment would set you free must have been totally coked up or shot up)...

First, some background: Flooded to the gills with antibiotics and some insanely powerful flu meds (which incidentally cost me half an arm and my first-born) to treat my persistent cough-till-I-tear, blood-stained-snot, viscous-vicious-brown-phlegm flu, I was (for once) scared enough to follow the instructions on the zip-loc medicine baggies and take my meds religiously. I also figured that meds and Mr Johnnie Walker probably wouldn't get along together, hence my total abstention from alcohol on a Thursday night at Maison. Yes, almost unforgivable, I know. Unless you're on fucking-scare-my-socks-off pseudoephedrine.

And thus, after a long night of swilling water, standing awkwardly around and not dancing or making friends with strangers, I come to a horrifying realisation: I might just have become one of those people who only become interesting after a few drinks...

My heart started thumping and the ego was reeling in horror while the id calmly slapped the facts into its face.

"Boy! When was the last time you partied sober? Are you afraid to go talk to the strange people at the next table tonight? What the hell happened to your footloose dancing? Where are the laughing crowds and the adoring women tonight?"

My mind gasped and thrashed at the audacious bluntness and the possibility that it.... just.... might.... be..... *horror of horrors*..... true! Was I really a lush? Could I have been seduced by the same party culture (giving in to the uniquely Asian practice of equating drinking alcohol with giving face) that I've struggled so far to avoid?

No no... It wasn't the only reason. My mind finally filtered through the scare-mongering unleashed upon it by a latently evil subconscious. It was a combination of being sick, stress and sleep deprivation that mainly caused my lack of spirit, although the other "lack of spirits" was admittedly not helping me lose my inhibitions.

One good thing came out of it though. I'm not going clubbing for the foreseeable future. Got to get back into shape after the joys of Chinese New Year eating and drinking, the ultra-killer 3 week flu, and the string of hard-partying late nights that have been a mainstay of my calendar for the past 2 months. I look in the mirror now and my abs have gone into hibernation under a nice warm layer of insulation, my muscle tone's shot to shit, and my face looks like I'm actually 26(instead of 18), for once.

You want a new year's resolution? Being washed out and tired from bad living sure is a good motivator for one, and no prizes for guessing what it is.

Monday, January 28, 2008


I swear, if Facebook gets any more addictive, we'll have rich kids snorting lines of (Super)Poke from the arsecracks of hookers, psychologists will study the urge to draw imaginary rectangles around people and 'tag' them, people will start popping $1 virtual gifts instead of Ecstasy, sheep and cows will be defenestrated by zombie ninjas, and possession of over 2kgs of "new notifications", or 500g of "please confirm friend details" will be punishable by death in Malaysia.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

I met Sailor-Girl again.....

...... she's still as gorgeous, still as big-hearted, still as twinkly-eyed as ever, and she still gives me that heady, terrifying, delicious sensation that I'm doing a running jump off the edge with my heart in my mouth. So, so, SO hard to resist......

Friday, December 28, 2007

60 Things I did in December.

The past month, I.........

....... have gone jogging in-2C weather.
2....... baked an ENTIRE salt.

3....... lived the road-trip cliche, driving in a junk car with 2 great(drunk) friends......

...... while getting drunk in the car......

....... and singing at the top of my voice to the Beach Boys. "SURFINNNN........ YEW ESS EHHHHHHH!!!"I'm cringing so hard now in embarrasment that my upper eyelids are wrapped around my nostrils.

4....... went to a Santa Claus theme party, replete with hot, drunk elves......

.........where we teased a cute girl about her big breasts and short legs.

5....... tried Karsk - coffee and home-made moonshine (90% alcohol!!!)

6....... beat the cheating locals at their own drinking game using Scandinavian trivia.
7....... almost bought a girl from Lappland for 50 Camels ( 1 camel = 2 reindeer, according to the Drunkard's Exchange Rate)

8.......met a very sweet farm girl with 9.5 fingers.

9....... ransacked her fridge and stole her housemates' food to cook after the party......
10.......was invited to breakfast at the same place the next morning, where I realised that the wildest parties end with milk served in broken glasses.............and a mini bottle of Jaegermeister.
12....... gave someone a 10000 km surprise visit.
13....... was spoilt rotten by someone else's grandma, who -like most grandmas- stuffed us full of food, sent us to play pingpong in her (really cool, and really cold) basement, and then had coffee and really nice cake ready for us when we were finished. Thanks Erlend's Grandma! We love you!

14...... gone 4 days without showering. And no, I didn't stink on the 4th day. I just couldn't stand that stifling reminder in my head going "oh god oh god you have to shower you're gonna stink and get skin disease and itch like crazy oh god oh god oh god...."

15..... tried to slide around a slippery icy cemetery car park with an '85 Camry in fog at night.

16...... was almost ass-raped by two good friends.
17...... went to Hell and back. Hell hath freezeth over. And it's just next to Trondheim airport in Vaernes.

18...... watched 'Bad Santa', one of the most awesome Christmas movies ever (that has nothing to do with Christmas :) Makes me wanna grab a Santa suit, a hot girl, and a beaten-up American car with squeaky springs.

19...... seen a good friend happily dress up in drag. My eyes!! Oh my eyes!!!

20...... collected so many empty cans and bottles from Tore's tiny apartment that we could sell them for close to 400 kroners(almost RM300!!)

21...... laughed my ass off when Erlend pelted his father with snowballs when he saw his father peeing outdoors, causing him to wet his trousers.

22...... watched my first episode of "Californication". It was awesome.

23...... expelled an egg-fart so awesomely, disgustingly smelly that it almost made the driver throw up, and woke up the passenger in the backseat, who immediately shouted at me with a lot of bad words, questioning my breeding, parentage, and sexual habits. I should explain that it was revenge for calling me JungleBoy and blaming me for any funny smell they picked up. I told them while they were gagging that THIS was the JungleBoy fart, and that they'd never mistake any other smell for it.

24...... gone snowboarding, and promptly crashed at high speed on the last run of the day, fucking up my ribs and knee.
25...... made trout pasta..............AWESOME!!!!!

26...... made brown snow.

27...... watched sheep fucking in the winter. The perverted-looking guy in overalls helped a bit too.....
28...... learnt that my friend has a cute little squealy snorty pig as a pet.

29...... met a tiny (but amazing) girl who trains for endurance by running 20km every alternate day in winter. And then drinks Cognac at night.
30...... saw friendly horses in snow.31...... stood on a corner of a shopping mall just to watch people slip and fall on icy ground.

32...... saw friendly ducks in snow.

33......was carsick everytime I got in the car, because they drove on the wrong side of the road.

34...... had a very patriotic Norwegian try to convince me that "The 300" was a Norwegian film, and that Tacos are a Norwegian food. Dumb-ass.

35......was invited to a Santa Claus party......

......where I didn't know a single soul.... ...... but we decided to get smashed...... and ended up becoming best friends with everyone!

36......witnessed how those vikings drink.
37...... ate fresh giant scallops............and SCALLOP ROE!

38...... enjoyed FRESH cod. From the sea. Steamed in its own juices. Ho ho ho.

39...... ate risgrøt... Yes it looks grisly. No, I don't like it.
40...... helped to built a jungle playground in the forest, for kids at the school nearby........we're not fooling around. It was for 'testing' purposes.

41...... took a ride on a snow-scooter.

42...... was driven on ice by an ex-World Rally Championship driver.

43...... watched my parents ski and snowball fight for the first time.


44...... stood on my head in the snow.

45...... witnessed beauty, everyday.

46...... infected gwailous with the phrases "yes-ah?" and "nice-ah?" and "You want ham lan?"

47...... bought Jamie Oliver's "Jamie's Italy", which I've been eyeing for such a long time.

48...... been out to sea on a fishing boat in winter.

49...... been doing indoor climbing.

50...... gotten so drunk I puked for the very first time. Half a bottle of Glenfiddich, 2 gin tonics, a beer, some wine, and a lot of homemade moonshine mixed with tea. Oh, and another pint of beer and a quarter bottle of Bombay Sapphire. Even Silje's squealing "Khai TSAAAHHHH".......

....... while trying to lick me didn't scare me much anymore. I actually picked her up!

........and I was sociable.....




..... really sociable :)

51...... took pictures with strangers.

52...... Met the legendary Polsa, or "Sausage" for the first time. There are two stories why he's known as The Sausage, but neither are fit for public consumption.

53...... wrapped myself in a giant quilt, and later walked down the road with it when we went for supper, because it was cold, and I was drunk.

54...... played with pussy while cards were strapped to my head.

55...... read the very controversial (and banned on pain of incarceration in Malaysia) Salman Rushdie book, "The Satanic Verses".

56...... had my specs stolen by a naughty elf.....

...... but I got them back.

57...... was hugged by a cute girl.

58...... Became very good friends with a very drunk, but very kind Knut who shared his gin with me as we stumbled to the club, all the while promising me he would save me if there was a fight.

59...... was almost licked by Erlend's cute blonde (drunk) sister.

60...... was hugged by a really, REALLY nice girl :)

It's a hard life *sigh* ;) But someone's gotta live it!!! HAHAHA! A very Happy New Year to all my friends. Wishing you multiple orgasms everyday!