Wednesday, October 19, 2005

fettucine with sauteed garoupa medallions, reduced bouillabaisse and long beans.

my... what big teeth you have.
.....The better to eat you with.. wuahahhahahaha.
I managed to get my hands on a spotted grouper(sek pan) that was so fresh there was still slime on the skin. Imagine my happiness! I considered grilling the bugger with garlic and thyme, then there was the idea of making soupe de poisson(fish soup), but I forgot to buy clams or prawns or squid. So pasta it was! First time I'm experimenting with fish and pasta. And it works.
The best part is that it's low fat, low GI, and lots of protein. Perfect! Of course there's the 'heavenly' version which includes butter and more olive oil. Message me if you want to know how to cook this. Yum yum!
*The first picture was taken while I was cleaning the fish. It's really interesting how the jaw unhinges and opens to this huge size. You won't think it's possible looking at it with the mouth closed.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Bullying the Bully

I promised you I'd irritate the little bugger like he irritates me. I was bored so I decided to pretend I wanted to eat his leg, like a hungry dog. Here are the happy results:

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Tagliatelle with tomatoes, chicken and shrimp bisque
That's Bob the Builder, my cousin and the world's choosiest eater, who would rather die than eat something that's 'healthy' for him. I had to babysit him the other day since aunty had an emergency.

Too lazy to go out and tapau, I decided to whip up some pasta for lunch. Bob gobbled the huge plate and asked for seconds. Maybe I'm not the only one who likes my cooking after all. hehe.

Wow, you're amazing.

People who Deserve My Awed Respect and (sometimes) adulation
Bill Watterson
- creator of Calvin and Hobbes.
Trey Parker and Matt Stone
- creators of South Park.
Chuck Palahniuk
- author of Fight Club, who managed to describe bipolar isorder/schizophrenia in such living detail.
Robert Jordan and J.R.R. Tolkien
-for their amazing ability to create such detailed alternate universes and tell stories.
Mariah Carey
- for her discipline and ability to work so hard. Oh, and her amazing voice too.
Paris Hilton
- who enjoys her money and her life without giving a fuck what the envious people think. I'll bet she'll be a really interesting friend to have.
- for his sheer talent and guts in becoming the best rapper in the world.
Gwen Stefani
- For her style and her irresistably hip music.
Ray Charles, Alicia Keys, Diana Krall, Maxwell, Innuendo
Because your music moves and startles me with its beauty and sheer lyricism. Innuendo will sing for me on my wedding day.

People who have earned a grudging bit of my attention
J.K. Rowling, for becoming a billionaire just writing books about screwed-up children. NOT for her literary ability, mind.
Destiny's child -Skanky feminist whores with an unfair ability to create such beautiful music.

People who have earned my contempt and derision
Australians - superficial, calculative, uncouth, loud wankahs with a distinct lack of sophistication. And Australian women are grotesquely fat and ugly and rude and stupid..... wait, I'm being redundant.
Rupert Murdoch, idiot Australian(now American) media mogul who thinks everyone else is an idiot like him. Wait. I'm being redundant again.... This must be a uniquely Malaysian affectation.
Diana, Princess of Wales and Royal Whore.
Puff Daddy(and the rest of the 'blingbling' clique). Dude, you look stupid. Understatement is cool; not decking yourself out like a faggot pansy. Only a highschooler wants to live like you, walking around with an entourage and shades at night *snigger*. No wonder people sniff at the nouveau riche. I'm not wealthy by a far cry and even I wanna laugh at you.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

The Philosophy of toilet-washing

Dude... I washed a toilet today, mannnn....

It was like, so fucking disgusting and shit? and you know, it, like, totally grossed me out? Duuuude.......... I can't do this. It's totally not cool...

Enough of the surfer dude. Honestly, washing a toilet is a humbling affair. An honest-to-goodness test of your humility. Oh you're too good to wash a toilet. Your dad's the mega-corporation director, what the fuck are you doing washing toilets, you ask. You can hire a billion maids(if the phillipines and Indonesia had so many people) to wash your toilet can't you?

Anyway. I was like that. For me, toilet washing ranked right up there with making out with Sailor-moon (this horrible monstrous Quasimodo of a girl in my university who liked to blind innocent young boys by dressing her disgustingly fat body in Japanese anime schoolgirl uniforms) and eating nato(fermented Japanese soybeans) as one of the things I least wanted to do. But today, I decided that my bathroom was too filthy to ignore anymore.

I'm temporarily living with my aunt, and I like my living spaces to be squeaky clean..... that is, if it's not me that has to tidy up. I managed to harass my lazy-ass, good-for-nothing, spoilt-brat of a roommate to participate marginally in our weekly cleaning operations when I was studying in Melaka and shared a room with him. The spoilt little boy had an even bigger aversion to manual labour than I did, and would prefer to live in a pigsty than touch a broom. Fortunately for me, he didn't really like my harassing and insulting him whenever I got a mad urge to clean the place (the room wasn't really big, maybe 4 by 5 meters, so it was actually quite easy) and would do all the 'sidekick' work(change dirty mop water etc. etc.) when we cleaned. He's still rubbish at actual cleaning, I tell you.

Anyway, I've had people clean up after me ever since I was born. And now, I realise *surprise surprise* that my aunty doesn't really care about cleanliness or tidiness. As far as I go to keep my own bathroom clean, she pours her dirty mop water into my bathroom instead of the back drain, causing all the tiles to acquire a layer of scum. My devil of a cousin does me no favours by refusing to flush after using the toilet, even after I ask him to.

"Flush already or not?"
"Flush already!" *cheeky little pukimak grin on his face*

I know better after so long, so I grab him as he tries to run, pull him to the toilet bowl and ask him what's that little pukimak turd doing floating around in my toilet bowl.

"okay lah okay lah."

So I let him go, expecting him to flush his own fucking turd, and the fucker bolts before I can grab him again! Bloody little motherfucker. In the next post you will read about me catching him doing that and smacking him or pinching him so hard he screams. And then I'm going to push him into a little corner of my room and keep poking him in the ribs with my finger and stepping on his toes, mentally torturing him until I'm satisfied. And then I'm going to smack him one more time, pull him to the toilet bowl and make him say sorry to the toilet bowl for not flushing, before smacking him again, and only then letting him go. Recalcitrant little turd.

But I digress, the point is that my expectations for a certain standard of hygiene and cleanliness is way above that of my aunty and her family. Being quite a tolerant little fucker myself, that's saying something. I will not tell her this of course, since I'm the one staying at her place and causing her whatever inconvenience that I can't avoid. I'm choosing to stay at her place, and beyond asking if I can help to clean, it would be plain fucking rude to tell her to keep her house clean.

I came back home from Johor a few days ago to discover fucking creeper plant stalks and leaves all around the bathroom! Along with it was a blue pail and a small plastic container filled with water and sand. I threw out the vines and took out the pails, but there were some rotten leaves that fell off that formed another stained layer on top of the scum already there. I tried to ignore it for a few days, but today I couldn't take it anymore and decided to clean the fucking bathroom.

So I flooded the whole disgusting place, took out the huge brown brush, a bottle of Jif, and got on my hands and knees to scrub it out. You have to understand how momentous this occasion was in my life, given my afore-mentioned dislike for cleaning toilets. All the while I was thinking god, this is so fucking humiliating, I'm cleaning a toilet, fuck this is really shameful, dammit, why can't I have an aunty that's anal about hygiene and would keep the whole house spick and span, oh gooooood, this is so fucking humiliating..... even though, get this, I was all alone at the time.

Now that I think about it, there's nothing so humiliating about cleaning your own toilet, it's just the logical extension of keeping your living space clean. But at that moment, for a person who really hates the idea, and would do almost anything to avoid it, it was.

It's a great way to keep you humble: Try telling someone with a smug face that you just cleaned a toilet. Hard isn't it? It also puts into perspective what mothers all over Malaysia are expected to do (except in the household that I live in *sigh*) without any appreciation. People say guys get the hard work bringing home the daily bread, and "all the girls have to do is clean house and cook." Oh no no no. Despite my wanting to believe this drivel and perhaps even passively propagating it, I realise sheepishly that I would much rather go out and make money rather than stay home and clean house(and the toilet). After all, if you bring home the daily bread, you have the power and the wife has no other choice than to listen to you, thus you think you're superior and that she's really so thankful that you care to share some of your money with her. But the actual truth is you'd rather do anything else then get on your hands and knees and scrub the wet dirty floor of a room that you shit and bathe in.

Now all I'm looking forward to is the day I can afford my own house AND most crucially, maid(s) to keep the place sparkling shiny clean and tidy for me. Another motivation to achieve great things fast: One less time I have to clean my own toilet. I only hope that I don't come home anytime soon to find dead plants and another dirty layer of scum water on my really squeaky bathroom floor........

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Lose weight now! Results guaranteed!

Ways to lose weight fast:
1. Tobacco Therapy. Start smoking. Your appetite goes down and you lose weight as a result. A pleasant side-effect of smoking is that you get an improved social life (at no extra charge!!). Plus you'll lose even more weight after they remove your lungs. Those buggers must weigh at least a few pounds each. And the stress of a quadruple heart-bypass will cause you to use up the last of your fat reserves. You'd damn better be at least as fat as Rosie Phua before undergoing Tobacco Therapy, or you'll end up looking like an Ethiopian child when they're done with you.

2. Insta-diaorrhea. No pills. No injections. All-natural weight loss method. Visit tropical Africa, Madagascar, or India and drink water directly from the tap! It's that easy. No funny 'slimming wraps' or fancy massages. Just drink water! Simple isn't it? If one sip doesn't work, follow the next tour to an overcrowded slum/refugee camp and find the rustiest tap. Drink freely from it! If you have the chance, pay someone 20 rupees and ask him to get you a bucket of muddy, filthy well water, preferably one that is nearest to their latrine so that the effluent will seep into the groundwater, embuing it with the wonderful, desirable property of harbouring various debilitating viruses. Imagine how much weight you would lose within a few days if you have dysentery or typhoid! Wonderful isn't it? If you're visiting Congo, you might even get the rare chance of contracting haemorrhagic fever! This is the Marie France of all viruses, you not only shit out all your water, solids and fat from your system, you fucking bleed it off too! Have you heard of the apparently mythical tale of the guy who lost 40 pounds in one week? It was a true story and... you guessed it, Ebola. His shit exploded out of his ass in one bloody watery mess, giving him an instant drop on the weighing scale if he had the strength to stand on one. Imagine your motivation after you can see your weight literally drop off the weighing scale!!! Amazing. Highly recommended.

3. High-protein diet (for girls and gay dudes only) - Have you heard of the Atkins diet? The zone diet? Well here comes the all-new top-secret super-duper scientist-researched miracle... The SEMEN DIET!! Meticulously researched by the great Dr. Sin of the Kaiser Wilhelm Weight Loss Institute for Lazy Dumb Cunts, who was so selfless in his search for an effective diet that he even gave himself up as a guinea pig for the test subjects. He devised a fool-proof, simple diet plan that not only makes you slim and shapely, but makes you orgasmically happy in the process.

All you have to do is eat semen. Semen and only semen. Isn't it wonderful? After all, all you women want to lose weight only to attract the attention of men(if you had half a brain, you'd worry more about your overall health and wellbeing than how much you weigh), and this way, you get to lose weight fast(high protein, no carbs) AND give blowjobs, which you love doing anyway! Don't you love it already? If you need extra vitamins and nutrients, ask your man(or men, I'm not judgemental) to eat asparagus, garlic, and onions to give his jism that extra zing(I mean zinc)! And its an all you can eat diet! You can blow as many men as you want and still not get fat. Isn't that your perfect diet? I'll go so far as to say it's the perfect lifestyle for you dumb cunt whores. For the woman who's equally slutty but doesn't want the world to know, she can excuse her affinity for fellating many men by saying that she needs her proteins. Perfect!

*This post dedicated to all you stupid, insecure feminists who complain about male chauvinism, attempt to control your men by playing manipulative games, yet want desperately to lose more weight so that you can find a better man to control and dominate. In other words, almost every prissy Chinese girl with a boyfriend.

Racist Joke

Read this in an interview The Star did with Yasmin Ahmad, the acclaimed director of Gubra and someone ranking very high up on my "respected" list.

How many Malays does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer: zero. Dah gelap biar gelap la.....

Definition: Optimism

Once upon a time, there was this 40-year old Singaporean Malay dude who was a really kind fellow -This is a true story btw, read it in The Star a few weeks ago - who goes out of his way to help his neighbour, a 79-year old Chinese lady with her groceries and stuff everyday. So this goes on for a while and he eventually falls in love with her, she with him, and they decide to get married.

Before you can say "aiyer...", the news-starved Malaysian (and probably the Singaporean) newspapers descend upon the lucky couple once they get news of this unusual marriage. It's undoubtedly true love (the other alternative is brain disease, and I prefer the first one since I'm a romantic person *snicker snicker*) since neither are filthy rich, especially good looking, or possess any obvious attributes that would make people say,"Oh he/she is marrying her/him for his/her ______ (insert noun)".

Now, according to the paper, this dude says that they get on like bees and honey, and that "the physical part of our marriage is very active." Whoah mama!.... I mean gran.... I mean great-grandmama!! You can't be serious! At 79?!? Apparently she concurs that there are no problems in the bedroom with a toothy little grin. Now in the photo, he's in shorts and slippers strolling along cool as can be, while the little wrinkled old lady (with a tudung now that she's a Muslim) looks like she's limping after him, out of breath and unable to catch up. Now I'm finding it really hard trying to imagine them actually doing it, let alone being "very active". But particularly, I'm wondering how the fuck does he get turned on. I understand the attraction of older women, being a fan myself, but when people talk about that, they're assuming you're 25 and the woman is 35, 40 tops. And pulsating hot. Like Madonna or Carina Lau. They're not talking about wrinkled, saggy milkbags and a shapeless, ailment-ridden body. Jesus! But I digress, and in the paragraph below you will find the definition of "optimism".

I'm feeling incredulous enough that a marriage like this could happen, let alone one with an active sex life, when this guy comes out with his coup de grace, "I hope to start a family with her soon."