Friday, March 31, 2006

All-Night Bender

Absolut Citron. *bleargh*

Do you know what's happiness?
In the blinded floating happy uninhibited world that occurs when you're drunk(as I am now), you realise with a start that money doesn't matter a whit in happiness. What really makes you happy is the warm feeling you get inside when you realise that you're having fun with the people you love, whether your family or your good friends.

I just spent the night playing chor dai di with my brothers in basketball, David and Bryan, at David's place, and later with Li Jin and Johel too. The loser of every round had to down a shot of vodka, and I turned out to be the big loser until I changed places with Bryan, whereupon I won every single round until the end of our party(weird, I know). In any case, 5 people finished 2 bottles of vodka and almost 5 litres of red wine. I don't like drinking, and I didn't even know I could drink so much until just now. In fact, I'm damn fucking surprised I can still type straight after drinking so much. David drank half what I did and was almost out cold, other than the fact that he took every chance to jab my asshole with his finger and laugh maniacally afterwards, all the while asking me if my mom fed me beer when I was a baby why the fuck can I drink so much. Dude, I don't care. There's nothing so great about being able to destroy your brain cells with ethanol. My ass is still sore from his fingering. What a bastard.

I love you, guys. What a SMASHING weekend. And Elaine told me she's going to introduce me to Lily, her cute friend, while treating me to a filet-o-fish at the scottish burger place.... McDonald's LOL. I can't wait!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

I Heart You Guys Too!

I got a free top-up on my sim-card from Mills and Co.(my old colleagues) at DiGi on the excuse of doing testing. I Heart All You Guys Too!

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Proven: Pork fat is good for health!!!!

No. I am not joking. Click on this link to read the full article. This is what they should do with biotechnology!!! All that boring stem-cell research, telomerase lengthening, glow-in-the-dark fish nonsense has finally given way to a proper use of life sciences and technologies: Scientists have managed to engineer pigs to produce omega-3 fatty acids. Woo-hoo!!!

"Because of the study, pork products such as bacon, ham and others that are loaded with artery-clogging saturated fats and cholesterol may become beneficial to cardiovascular health in the future." says the article. And then it goes on and on about eicosapentaenoic acid and docosahexaenoic acid and battery acid and some nonsense I wasn't too bothered about reading. I was imagining the possibilities:

"Dear! The doctor says my cholesterol has been a bit high lately...... Oh and you know how the salmon and tuna nowadays are poisoned with mercury and PCBs. I guess we can't get our omega-3 from fish..... I guess we'll just have to eat more bacon and bak kut teh then......."


*Mr. Mackay South Park voice: "Life is goo-ood, mm-kay?"

Monday, March 06, 2006

Prank of the Day

Some background before I begin this story: Botak and I are good friends with this guy who works at the Chick Showroom. His name is Dass and he's from Chennai, India. He sits down with us when it's not very busy and we try to talk. Dass is 23, really skinny, has a gentle disposition and is very friendly. I suspect that he enjoys our company almost as much as we enjoy his. We communicate using the Malay he's learnt and his Inglish and our Manglish, and it usually works. We bonded over a few yum cha sessions where he served us, using the lingua franca of males everywhere: dirty jokes, lewd gestures, and comments insulting the respective sizes of our manhoods(menhood?). We play pranks on him and he plays pranks on us, all in good fun.

Botak's magic phrase is 'peyh pundek', meaning 'big pussy' in Tamil. Anytime Dass says anything, Botak just answers with 'peyh- pundek', unfailingly and faithfully. There has not been one yum-cha session that he doesn't answer Dass' 9 out of 10 questions with a variation of 'big pussy'. He could ask what Botak was doing the next day.... peyh-pundek..... What do you want to eat? peyh pundek. Hey SHHHH....not so loud there are many customers here you idiot........ "PEYH PUNDEK!!"..........

So today, Botak and I were at the Chick Showroom as usual. We were both really mellow for some reason(maybe because it's Sunday) so I decided to get Dass to teach me some Tamil to pass the time. It started when he asked me what I wanted to drink(in Tamil, no less).

"Nehn-nehn", I answered, with a totally straight face. Botak burst out laughing.

For those of you who don't speak English, 'nehn-nehn' is hokkien baby-talk for 'milk'. Recently though, Botak and I have been bastardizing the phrase by half-mumbling/half-moaning "nehnnnn-nnnnnnnnehn........." in pretend-hypnotism and staring with an unblinking spastic gaze at any pretty girl with a nice pair of breasts, like a retarded kid who's staring at candy and drooling, using the phrase nehn-nehn to mean breasts. It's really funny(unless you're a boring prissy missy, in which case fuck off, this story is not for you). The prettier the girl(and most importantly, the nicer her mammary glands, the more spastic you must look. The point is not the girl we're staring at - I mean, we'll appreciate the view like any normal red-blooded male - but how we show that we think she's hot. So if she's super-hot, we should pretend to be nose-bleeding, drooling, moaning "nuuuuuueeeeeeehn- NUUUEEEEHN!!!" and behaving with all the intelligence of a single-celled organism. If however, she's only moderately hot, we're supposed to just go 'nehn-nehn' with a mutual nod. If someone goes super-spastic over a chick who's actually really ugly when seen up close, the other guy must show a disgusted look and a disdainful sniff at the poor taste of the other.

As you can see, it's a really high-browed display of maturity and psychological superiority.

So when I told Dass I wanted to drink'nehn-nehn', Botak burst out laughing with his gleeful little-boy look. Dass just look confused and asked "apa?" in tamil-accented malay.

"nehn-nehn." and I mimed the shape of boobs using my hands.....
"wuooooh!!"Dass exclaimed in over-loud comprehension,"Tetek wa?!?"

You can imagine how loud Botak and I were laughing.

"Tetek tada-lah!!.... Yini mamak la..... podah......." and Dass made that what-an-idiot-you-are dismissive Indian gesture.
So after a lot of lewd locker-room banter to show that we still love each other, Dass told me,"muolai..... in Tamil, you can say...?.....Muolai... means.....?......... tetek.."

Oh, MUOLAI = BREASTS. Nyehehehehehe.

So anyway, Sian Jeen, who was late because he was picking up his sister from Assunta hospital, finally arrived. He commented about being hungry and asked us, since we were regulars, what was good at Tanjung. I decided to put my newfound knowledge to good use.

"Garlic naan...."I said,"nasi lemak....."
"Is the cheese naan good?"Sian Jeen asked.
Botak said,"They use the.... whaddya call it....."
"......Chesdale cheese."I finished.
"Ya ya, the flat packaged one....."Botak said,"The garlic naan is good. Seriously. You have to try."
"Ya, and they got this special Roti...."I said."They use milk wan. Very special wan. They do it really well......"
"Oh is it?"
"Ya. Roti Muolai...." I barely managed to suppress a laugh and pointedly avoided looking at Botak, who already had that laughing gleam in his eye and a raised eyebrow.
"Really? Condensed milk or what?"Sian Jeen asked in curiosity. I had to really stifle the urge to laugh now.
"Ya ya. Condensed milk."Botak answered in all seriousness."Dei DASS!!! Come!! Order!!!!"
So Dass came over with an earnest expression, and I pointed to Sian Jeen, indicating that he was the one who wanted to order.

Sian Jeen looked up at Dass and said,"uh.....Roti Muolai.."
Dass looked at him with a stunned, stoned expression for a few seconds, and then his wits returned and he turned his head to look at me and Botak with an exasperated expression that said You-bastards-why-the-fuck-do-you-do-this-to-me-all-the-time?!?!!??!!?


I laughed so hard I think the entire Chick Showroom was staring at me. I gave a high-five to Botak, who was also doubled over in mirth, and after we calmed down, we apologised to Sian Jeen even as Dass explained to him what "muolai" meant.

Another fruitful and productive day for Badman and Rub-In. Woohoo!

Friday, March 03, 2006

Oh really?

In an inspired piece of altruistic wisdom, our considerate and caring deputy prime minister advised us in one of the National Propaganda PublicationsThe Star yesterday that "Malaysians SHOULD (so that means we are the ones to be blamed if we don't) change their lifestyle" and "become more prudent in their spending and ensure there was no wastage."

Such changes in lifestyle should be made so that even if there were increases in fuel prices, Malaysians will be able to continue having the good quality and comforts of life which they have been enjoying," he said..........

*tries to stifle disbelieving laughter*

*fails miserably*

Dude, putting aside the issue me refraining from commenting on the well-fed appearance of our DPM in the name of respect(no, not for him, but for tinted black pajeros that might appear on my doorstep, forcing me to urge my followers to "tenang..... tenang" and my driver to face charges of sodomy) or the fact that the most widely-read Malaysian "newspaper" has the incredibly urgent headline of "CHANGE LIFESTYLE" in huge bold print, putting aside all that, does that man think that we're all stupid?

I mean, besides the obvious of course, since he's in office and all that - just let me talk about this for a while, I'll get back to the main course - but there are people who actually believe every fucking word they read or hear. Yes. That's most of you idiots who have a Mykad.

"Oh oh, have you read about the Arab billionaire who wants to donate one billion to the National Heart Foundation?"
"Oh oh, you know that Alex Yoong's dad was forced to marry a Muslim so that he could get sponsorship from the government?

and the funniest one,

"Oh oh, you know that Langkawi has two sandbars off the island? That's why the tsunami reflected and hit Penang and Phuket........"


But anyway, I'm digressing really way off course here. So our DPM is telling us to save so that we can "continue having the good quality and comforts of life"......


How the fuck are you supposed to have a good quality of life if we're supposed to save? He must not understand basic accounting principles. If you take something out from somewhere, you've got to put it somewhere else. It doesn't just disappear.

He's saying that if I take public transport instead of driving to work, I'm enjoying my life more by smelling people's smelly armpits and having random strangers cram all around me to a station where I have to take a feeder bus, arriving all cranky and wrinkly.............. than driving all by my lonesome to a parking spot directly in front of my destination?

Or perhaps you mean that I should buy less food, leave it raw(since gas prices will go up too), and then laugh heartily as my family and I celebrate our prudence and financial astuteness.

And according to him, Malaysia is a very small net exporter of crude oil. What he declined to elaborate on was that the oil we sell is known as sweet crude, because of its low sulphur content(making it cheaper to refine) and is thus more expensive. Here's an exercise for all you brainwashed MyKad holders: go find out how much Petroliam Nasional Sdn. Bhd. (if you don't know what company is that, kindly jump off their twin towers and rid the world of your stupid genes) made in royalties and its net profit for the financial year 2004/2005 instead of how much crude oil we export vs. how much we import.

Well, Mr. Minister, are you going to take the RapidKL to work? Or a Honda 5 series EX5? After all, your outriders could be put to better use directing traffic at the pukimak machauhai hamkahchan snot-drinking cum-gargling pundek kaninehcibai fucking jammed Summit traffic light in USJ. And surely one man doesn't have the need for 4 or 5 escort cars. Pardon my rudeness, but you have only one rear end after all. You can't sit in 5 cars at once.

I rest my case.

Here's a serious tip for you propaganda-fed farm animals: Google News. FYI, the world consists of more than a country with a ubi kayu and dog shape.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Brokeback Week

This week is Brokeback Week. Let all be warned. Crude homosexual behaviour like random fondlings, ass-grabs, violently graphic genital displays and miscellanous molestations should be expected by all my friends. Do not complain if you lean close enough to me for me to kiss you motherfuckers, because I will do it. Whoever stupid enough to be fondled by me owes me a meal.

You have been warned.