Monday, May 15, 2006

Hedonism...... again!

Without divulging too many details, let's just say that the "outing" to Serendah was........ torrid. Before I knew what was happening, we were hurtling down the long smooth tunnel to substance-induced unconsciousness, enveloped in a cocoon of gluttony and unrestrained stupidity.

Oh it was a wild one. First of all, I had absolutely no idea where we were going. My friend - let's call him SkinnyBoy - just told me,"Oh serendah. It's a really nice place. I can't describe it. You have to see it to understand." Any further attempts to elicit details was met with a "diu... you have to see it to understand." or another offer to stuff my gullet with the unbelievable amount of great food available in the Selayang/Kepong area. The first answer was met with no small amount of profanities, but the second one..... well, the second one was a great way to distract. I had the best fucking bak kut teh ever.

All the while I'm thinking: How can Serendah be nice? It's in the middle of a jungle- lowland jungle, to be precise - and I staunchly believed that lowland tropical jungle = mosquitoes + heat + sweat + mess. Last year, I trudged my weary limbs down 30,000 metres of treacherous, muddy, moist, leech-infested, and heartbreakingly lonely jungle in Endau Rompin, and it was so bad it made me, an avowed naturalist and tree-hugger swear off trekking. The prospects for a shack in the lowlands near Ulu Yam didn't look too good, if you know what I mean.

But then he also promised me that he'd bring a wild party-girl friend of his. In his words,"You should meet my friend lah. She's the 'wild-type' one. You should hook up with her. Yeah yeah she's pretty hot. Damn nice body....."

Oh alright SkinnyBoy, but only as a favour to you :)

So the bastard woke me up too fucking early in the morning(because he couldn't sleep), and the first thing he said was,"DIU! She bringing her boyfriend lah. Fuck....." plus a lot of things that really cannot be printed(even on this page, I kid you not). To say the least, I was "a tad annoyed". WildGirl was bringing boyfriend, so I was basically on a jungle trip with 6 strange guys? Oh joy, oh happiness. For some reason the words "sausage-fest" kept appearing in my mind. In no uncertain terms, I gave SkinnyBoy my colourful, expressive, vocal, and very poetic two cents worth, and he could only laugh sheepishly.

As we picked up his friends one by one, the first comment every fucker had when he got into the car was "She's bringing her boyfriend!______!!!" in hokkien(fill blank with expletive). The ensuing conversations between SkinnyBoy and his friends were of a high decibel range, and was laden with lots of "hor lang kan"(let people fuck) and "kan ni neh"(fuck your mum) and "cibai"(cunt) and "lanciau"(dick) when referring to the frustrating situation of WildGirl bringing her other half. It was so funny I almost forgave SkinnyBoy. Later I found out she knew them all since school, and was the resident hot mama that they all openly fantasised about, and was teased about her (amazingly pneumatic) chest.... and other parts........ all the tiime.

So we got to the place. And it really is an awesome place. AWESOME! I'll have to bring my girlfriend there sometime. Anyway, as you can see from the pictures, it's great. WildGirl was walking up the steps and I was right. behind. her. What a sight. I tell you, I love her from the heart of her bottom.

The plan was to have a big cookout that night, with the implicit understanding that everyone was gonna get smashed, as they did every other time they went there. I didn't know that(nobody ever warns me. WTF) and thought that it was just a friendly barbeque. As a result, I was the butt of sissy-boy insults for most of the night for trying to avoid alcohol. Failed eventually, but not before holding out as long as I could.

"Hey SkinnyBoy, I thought you said he could drink? What, is he gay or something?" *sigh*

But before that, there was a massive barbecue. SkinnyBoy even made a fucking fondue on the grill, and to top it off(because everyone was losing control), the guys even called V-Sixer, this huge fat guy who was arriving late, to 'tapau' KFC when he came in. AFTER ALL THAT FOOD!!!! The best part was when he arrived, V-Sixer had bought a BUCKET of fried chicken. 21 hunks of Hot and Spicy batter-covered chicken meat, when everyone was literally having difficulty breathing, from all the tiger prawns and lamb and steak and salmon and sausages they had inhaled.

After complaining about how we were going to burst, what the fuck were you thinking buying a bucket, what the fuck you're the one that called me to buy, how to finish this I just ate a kilo of prawns, etc, etc..... everyone proceeded to drink some beer or wine, and then dug into the KFC. Bloody gluttons.

And then all the drinking and name-calling and playing pranks on each other started. I sat in a corner quietly trying to avoid alcohol and got called, in chronological order, an idiot, a liar, a homosexual, a liar, and someone who didn't give face(oh I got that a lot), by a bunch of people that I had only met that day. They were downing beers in one gulp and were drinking wine from the spigot. No exaggeration. I considered myself lucky to get away with a beer mug(!!!!) full of wine and two cans of Carlsberg during the barbecue, but then they brought out the brandy and it was chaos. Drinking games then proceeded and the guys got well and truly smashed. I couldn't avoid the games and was forced to down copious amounts of french alcohol too :((((

By the end of the night we had:
  • fat guy pole-dancing
  • lots of shouting
  • singing off-key to 80s music
  • same fat guy hugging a subwoofer to sleep while drooling and moaning
  • drunk people suddenly waking up and inviting everyone to jump into the freezing waters(it had rained earlier) of the jungle pool, then promptly falling back to sleep snoring and moaning.
  • barbecued leather sandals
  • threats of dismemberment if anyone touched the only carton of orange juice.
  • collapsible beach chairs collapsing on people.
  • blatant staring(me) at WildGirl, and ignoring her sissy boyfriend who gave me a dirty look.
  • vacuum cleaner firing up at 1am. I shall not elaborate.
Then EVERYONE crashed out except WildGirl, her boyfriend(who was pretty antisocial the entire trip) and me. I endeavoured to devour the heart of her bottom by enlisting her help in cleaning up the mess that the gang had made, and was only beginning my quest when hubby dear interrupted. Sien diau.....

Damned waste. The lights were out and the stream was tinkling and the rain was just dripping off the leaves and we were curled up in beach chairs sipping coffee and and everyone else had crashed out and there was really romantic jazz music on and she had just admitted that she "was too old to party much anymore heehee"....... Then came loud elephant-stomps down the stairs and lots of dirty looks at me from the antisocial geeky dude, ruining everything. How I wished it was the viking ages. I'd have asked my men to castrate the little sissy.

In short, no heart of the bottom for me. What a loss for WildGirl. Serendah was awesome though. Anyone up for a trip soon?

Monday, May 08, 2006

All A Guy Wants.............

............ is a simple, classy girl: Someone incredibly intelligent, someone incredibly kind, someone down-to-earth. All a guy wants is someone worth dying for, someone that takes his breath away after seeing her for the thousandth time. He wants a girl who's also a woman. He wants someone to nurture him. He wants an independent woman with ambitions as great and noble as his..... and would be willing to give it all up for him, because then he'll know it's worth devoting his life and love to support her dreams.

He wants a woman he can call "my girl" even when she's old and grey. He wants a girl who is kind when she doesn't have to, who sees people as they are, and loves him without condition. He wants a girl who is strong outside, yet soft, vulnerable, and beautiful inside. He wants a classy girl who's as comfortable with royalty as she is with beggars and the destitute. He wants a shy girl who goes red when he teases her. He wants a feisty girl that teases him back after she goes red. He wants someone with a mind as quick as his. He wants a girl who will be a great mother to his children. He wants a girl who's happy whenever she's with him, even if all he has is a simple hut and enough food for the next meal. He wants a smart girl who trusts him absolutely, and believes in him inequivocably. He wants a girl who will tell him when he's wrong, someone he will listen to when she tells him he's wrong. He wants her to love his family as he does.

He wants a gentle girl, a happy girl. He wants a tall girl, a voluptous girl. He wants a girl so gorgeous his mind spins when he first sets sights on her, but impresses him so much with mind and soul that he forgets about her looks.

All a guy wants is a simple, classy girl. a nymphomaniac-scientist-supermodel. Talk so much for what? 3 words describe it all.

Friday, May 05, 2006

2 Funny Conversations

The first one, with Elaine, darling bud of May, who also considered this conversation funny enough to post the best part.........

Elaine:no no mind is still stuck on a certain dinner dress im buying later
Me: buying from oshkosh b'gosh? [I tease her all the time about her height....her lack of height]
*smirks*thats so passe
Me: guess kids?
Elaine:nowadays kids go for topshop kids
Me: Tell me about it.
do NOT laugh. It's a place called "Cat's Whiskers."
Me: *mmph*
its a great boutique in bangsar and hartamas. and they have another branch, heh, right smack in front of my office here
Me: dinner dress for.....gandalf coming to visit? [again referring to her as a tiny hobbit]
for semi-formal the farewell dinners for dresses and skirts are either too formal (gowns for weddings etc) or too informal
Me: oh ok ok
gandalf and i aint talking. he wouldnt let me magically whip up some height
Me: whip? *suggestive smiley*hahahha
Elaine:FIGURE OF SPEECH! SHEESH. the only thing that should be whipped here is you, and i wont be the one doing it
Me:ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! that sounds naughty!!!! so when shall we do it?
Me: saucy hobbit ;)
Me:so lemme get this straight... you're buying a cock tail dress from a pussy hair shop....

........And the second one with Erlend, my Norwegian brother, who was trying to explain to me an outdoor game played with sticks. The gorgeous Liv-Mari explained it to me as "throwing a stick at another stick", and I already had a great time teasing her, and now Erlend attempted to explain his version. Erlend doesn't speak very good English, and I can't speak Norsk for nuts. Hilarity ensues as the game 'kubb' is explained......

erlend says: kubb.. eh.. its a game where u are throwing limer after some other small treethings..
Khai Tzer says: limer?
erlend says: limer=limber
Khai Tzer says: limber?
erlend says: like a big tree
Khai Tzer says: you take a big tree and throw at a little tree?
Khai Tzer says: ?!?!?!
erlend says: lumber
erlend says: it is
Khai Tzer says:is there such a thing!?!??!!?
erlend says: sort of
erlend says: its called kubb
Khai Tzer says: that's the funniest thing i've heard!
erlend says: hehe
Khai Tzer says: but won't the little tree die?
erlend says: its a nice game
erlend says: nah its all ready dead
erlend says: we have chopped it down and uses the same trees year after year
Khai Tzer says: kubb?
Khai Tzer says: what's thte point of the game
Khai Tzer says: ?
erlend says: kubb..?
erlend says: in norvegian it means something like.. ehh .. cant find a good word for it
erlend says: u know when u are burning wood
erlend says: u cut it in small nice peices
erlend says: u got a kubb
Khai Tzer says: ah...
Khai Tzer says: twigs, chippings.....
erlend says: propably
Khai Tzer says: then you throw it at a tree?
Khai Tzer says: to hit a target?
erlend says: u have to try it ones
erlend says: then u will see
Khai Tzer says: do you get points?
Khai Tzer says: how do you keep count?
Khai Tzer says: or do you just throw it at the tree until the tree cries?
erlend says: its a old game from the viking time.. the meaning is to throw down the other teams small trees
Khai Tzer says: so you throw until the trees fall down?
erlend says: nonono
Khai Tzer says: then?
erlend says: its not stuck to the ground
erlend says: when u hit it, it fell over

You can imagine the amount of incredulity and laughter that resulted from this little exchange. Click here to see kubb explained properly.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Interesting things that happened this past week

1. Beach Club, Labour Day eve: On the podium in the centre, there was a bangla dude dry-humping a slutty whore from behind to the beat of trance music. At one point, he even pushed her head down as he literally slammed her from behind, in front of the entire club. It was horrendously surreal.

2. Labour day, driving home on the beautiful Yong Peng- Paloh road, mummy and I practise our grammar:
*I twitch the steering wheel to avoid a dead musang on the road*
Mummy:"OI!! WHAT HAPPEN?!?!?"
Me :"Uh nothing lah. It's a musang."
Me :"I mean, it WAS a musang. The thing is alread......."
*swings steering wheel violently to the left again as another fucking fox crosses the road*
Mummy:"What was THAT?!?!??!"
Me "Is. That IS a musang."

I also avoid 6 dogs a cat, and 2 other musangs and at least 1 cibai Paloh motorcyclist within the 1 hour drive.

3. I saw a huge heron that was half as tall as me.
4. I discovered the joys of couch potato-hood with a long weekend back home.
5. A 6-series(M6) and 612 Scaglietti(both red) in convoy overtook us so fast on the highway that we couldn't even see whether the plates were Malaysian or Singaporean. There were just two incredibly loud whooshes, and by the time we turned out into the fast lane, they had left us at least half a kilometre behind.
6. Elaine has a huge bush.