Saturday, October 01, 2005

Lose weight now! Results guaranteed!

Ways to lose weight fast:
1. Tobacco Therapy. Start smoking. Your appetite goes down and you lose weight as a result. A pleasant side-effect of smoking is that you get an improved social life (at no extra charge!!). Plus you'll lose even more weight after they remove your lungs. Those buggers must weigh at least a few pounds each. And the stress of a quadruple heart-bypass will cause you to use up the last of your fat reserves. You'd damn better be at least as fat as Rosie Phua before undergoing Tobacco Therapy, or you'll end up looking like an Ethiopian child when they're done with you.

2. Insta-diaorrhea. No pills. No injections. All-natural weight loss method. Visit tropical Africa, Madagascar, or India and drink water directly from the tap! It's that easy. No funny 'slimming wraps' or fancy massages. Just drink water! Simple isn't it? If one sip doesn't work, follow the next tour to an overcrowded slum/refugee camp and find the rustiest tap. Drink freely from it! If you have the chance, pay someone 20 rupees and ask him to get you a bucket of muddy, filthy well water, preferably one that is nearest to their latrine so that the effluent will seep into the groundwater, embuing it with the wonderful, desirable property of harbouring various debilitating viruses. Imagine how much weight you would lose within a few days if you have dysentery or typhoid! Wonderful isn't it? If you're visiting Congo, you might even get the rare chance of contracting haemorrhagic fever! This is the Marie France of all viruses, you not only shit out all your water, solids and fat from your system, you fucking bleed it off too! Have you heard of the apparently mythical tale of the guy who lost 40 pounds in one week? It was a true story and... you guessed it, Ebola. His shit exploded out of his ass in one bloody watery mess, giving him an instant drop on the weighing scale if he had the strength to stand on one. Imagine your motivation after you can see your weight literally drop off the weighing scale!!! Amazing. Highly recommended.

3. High-protein diet (for girls and gay dudes only) - Have you heard of the Atkins diet? The zone diet? Well here comes the all-new top-secret super-duper scientist-researched miracle... The SEMEN DIET!! Meticulously researched by the great Dr. Sin of the Kaiser Wilhelm Weight Loss Institute for Lazy Dumb Cunts, who was so selfless in his search for an effective diet that he even gave himself up as a guinea pig for the test subjects. He devised a fool-proof, simple diet plan that not only makes you slim and shapely, but makes you orgasmically happy in the process.

All you have to do is eat semen. Semen and only semen. Isn't it wonderful? After all, all you women want to lose weight only to attract the attention of men(if you had half a brain, you'd worry more about your overall health and wellbeing than how much you weigh), and this way, you get to lose weight fast(high protein, no carbs) AND give blowjobs, which you love doing anyway! Don't you love it already? If you need extra vitamins and nutrients, ask your man(or men, I'm not judgemental) to eat asparagus, garlic, and onions to give his jism that extra zing(I mean zinc)! And its an all you can eat diet! You can blow as many men as you want and still not get fat. Isn't that your perfect diet? I'll go so far as to say it's the perfect lifestyle for you dumb cunt whores. For the woman who's equally slutty but doesn't want the world to know, she can excuse her affinity for fellating many men by saying that she needs her proteins. Perfect!

*This post dedicated to all you stupid, insecure feminists who complain about male chauvinism, attempt to control your men by playing manipulative games, yet want desperately to lose more weight so that you can find a better man to control and dominate. In other words, almost every prissy Chinese girl with a boyfriend.


dreamweaver said...

Well, actually, semen contains considerable quantities of fructose, so its full of carbohydrates (don't know why it doesn't taste sweet then...)

Loved this tongue in cheek post - but what about those girls who want to lose weight primarily for health reasons? Of course, looking good is always a big plus, but I know my biggest reasons are health and fitness (tired of puffing up one flight of stairs, ya know?)

El Nino said...

It's not sweet? Really? ;)

To the girls(and guys) who want to lose weight primarily for health reasons, I salute and respect you. Few things are more admirable than someone who makes an effort to take care of themselves. It's worth it, trust me.

I engage in lots of physical activity and am considered very fit by most. so I'm not really worried about my weight, but a bit annoyed at my bodyfat percentage. It was 18.4% the last time I checked, and I'm on a plan to get it down to 8% or 9%, plus gain maybe 8 or 9 more kilos of muscle mass, so I'll weigh about 75 kgs.

Two reasons for that: Vanity(I wanna awesomely cut 8-pack), and not having to lug around useless fat when I'm rock climbing. hehe.