Monday, November 28, 2005

All Cats should be Shot

I mean it. And with a shotgun so that it explodes.

Have you ever had a cat make mating noises outside your window at midnight? Just when you're nodding off? Yeah? You know what I mean? You're nodding your head? As I said, all cats should be shot.

I think all cat lovers are masochists who like to be tortured and ignored. They give love to an animal that manipulates them, has no obvious usefulness, and treats you like their the one feeding you, instead. Sometimes they become all clingy and like to slink between your legs with their tail up and rub their dirty bodies all over your calves. You can't even kick them because they're in between your legs. You have to squash em, but then they'll just scratch you. All cats should be shot.

Cats nowadays can't even catch mice properly. I've seen cats run away from rats. Useless animal. They just make mating noises and breed so that your entire housing estate is filled with mewling pussie... uh, felines. And then they like to shit on the ground right beside the driver door of your beloved Perodua Kancil, so that you have to take a huge step over a stinking pile of cat doo directly into your car. It's like trying to get into a Lamborghini, only you don't get the fun of driving fast. All cats should be shot.

I asked my dad what was the best way to poison cats, and he laughed. All cats should be shot.

My dad hates cats. There was one who tried to get slinky-rubby on him, but he was smart, before the fucker came near enough, he kicked the cat as hard as he could. To his surprise, the cat clung to his shoe and scratched furiously at his jeans instead of flying away like a football. As I said, all cats should be shot.

If I'm made mayor of Kuala Lumpur/ prime minister of Malaysia, I will decree that all cats be collected in a central location, lined up, and shot. If the cat has been known to make wailing noises like a child when it's horny, it shall be shot with small grain to prolong its pain.

If I am made President of the SPCA, I shall lobby the government, the WWF, and the United Nations to declare all organisms of the Family Felidae be outlawed. All cat owners shall see psychiatrists to have their mental health evaluated.

As I said, all cats should be shot.

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