Friday, November 11, 2005

At the 'Fitness Club'

*cough cough fitness club WUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH*

I'm sorry, I just think the spin doctors have done it once again. The worst part is the general Malaysian population- with the exception of a few cynical, highly intelligent people(e.g. El Nino) and a few cynical, stupid, loud-mouthed dumbasses who criticise everything whether its good or not - buy the bullshit. Regular people actually use the terms 'fitness club' and 'fitness centre' in general conversation, like proper commercial idiots. 'Fitness Club' my ass. Turn around and bend over, fools, so that I can insert my insemination device into yours. Idiots. WUAHAHHAHAHAHA. But I digress.

Most people know of the sex bunnies and the stud muffins crawling the gyms. Here are the sub-types of the creatures I've noticed:

1. Gym Shark.
The salespeople/managers of the club. Usually female, they're unbelievably ugly, persist in wearing inappropriately revealing clothing, and have a permanent "My, what large teeth you have" smile on their face, like Bruce from Finding Nemo. You pity the wide-eyed newbies who come in, vulnerable and defenceless and ask about "what packages you have?" and cringe in resigned horror as they're ushered, by that horrible money-faced look, unknowingly, into the clutches of reluctant organised physical exertion and a monthly cut in finances. The money-face is so blatant that I feel like slapping them whenever they're bored and deign to walk around, surveying the territory, and uttering a pompous, overbearingly fake 'how are you' like mafia overlords, expecting the gym denizens to answer "I'm fine" with a submissive smile. I told the gym shark at my gym today that I felt like shit because I had gallbladder disease, and I didn't know what was the rash on my inner thigh, maybe she would know.... and watched the fugly bitch scurry for cover like a marine invading Normandy on D-day.

2. Cock-tease.
The antidote to the sex bunny. I suppose I could tolerate the sex bunny, since she actually shows an interest in me and gyrates hornily on the stairclimber for my amusement. Which red-blooded male doesn't like watching tight bodies gyrate, right? Her one fatal flaw is that she probably looks hungrily around like that at every fit guy. I'd like to believe that she's falling madly in love with me, but in her eyes, I'm probably replaceable with any other reasonably fit-looking laddie. In comparison, the cock-tease plays it like a typical ok-looking girl, having to resort to devious tactics to attract attention, as opposed to the really pretty ladies, most of which are really nice people(to me at least). The cocktease doesn't look too good, but she's not bad-looking either. If there were no other women in the gym, I'd probably try to catch a glimpse of her in between sets.

She attracts attention by wearing really loud, and maybe revealing clothing(if her body isn't really nice) and likes to use the machine with the most men nearby, usually with wrong technique and a uselessly light weight, pretending to ignore all the men around her while checking them out sneakily. In reality, the men don't even notice her, because Ms. Sex Bunny is gyrating her tuffy tail on the stairclimber. And then, when she gets fed up because she's not getting any attention, she will choose one 'mou ku'(innocent) guy and blatantly stare at him. If he ignores her, she'll continue staring. If he gives her a friendly smile, like to every other gym patron, she'll give him a huffy sneer like he was eyeing her non-existent cleavage, and proceed to ignore him. I'd like to be able to choose one of this stupid women and track her life with cameras until she gets married to see what kind of sucker is hooked by her mediocrity and how she managed it.

3. Aunties!!!
Don't you love them? Cheerful, gossippy, middle-aged women with loud voices and over-permed hair. The best ones are those who don't even bother with the pretence of getting fit, and treat the gym like the social club that it is. They'll reserve places for each other in the group classes, and chatter and gossip when the class is over, over a steaming cup of instant coffee or tea at the lounge area. I suspect that more than half have sexual fantasies involving their young male instructors.

4. Desperados.
Usually newbies, middled-aged/elderly, overweight and terribly out of shape. Dressed in formless, drab-coloured loose clothing in an attempt to hide the extra weight and shape. They have a panicky, distressed look on their face like they're facing an executioner whenever they come face-to-face with the machine area. I think they have this feeling that if they don't work out right away they'll keel over and die of a heart attack anytime. So in a bewildered state of panic, they rush to the nearest machine, pause uncertainly, look around like a meerkat out of its hole, and try to push the buttons and levers to see whether the machine can be sat on and hurry hurry oh how am I supposed to use this thing hey wait there are instructions!

THEGRIPSSHOULDBESHOULDERHEIGHTUSETHEYELLOWHANDLESTOADJUS....oh fuck i don't have time to read this don't care just hantam only ohfuckohfuckohfuck I need to work out RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!!!

Then they proceed to use the machine with poor form, too heavy/light weights and rush from machine to machine without any system or order, desperate to use every machine so that they can get fit. Poor things.

5. Muscle Uncles.
Don't laugh! They exist. Some are ex-bodybuilders with pumped up but saggy chests, others decided late to take care of their bodies and just progressed to its natural conclusion, the pumped-up fat look(since they've managed to build muscle but can't for the life of them manage to reduce their bodyfat percentage, giving them very little muscle definition). They only wear singlets since t-shirts will cover their(to them) amazingly beautiful bodies.

There's a 40+/50-year old muscle uncle in my gym who walks around in his singlet with his elbows out to the side looking like a gorilla(it's due to improper form and/or not using the full range of motion while pumping iron) with a big(but not cut) body, with his head turning from side-to-side all the time, admiring himself in the mirror, unbearably proud of having a big body and checking to see who's checking him out.

I bet he worked hard for it, but uncle, you're not going to look like that when you're 60. You're going to have your saggy tits, and even now you don't have a fit body. You can't stretch for nuts and you've got no definition, so there's no need to feel so proud. I've got a way better, stronger, fitter, more flexible body, and I don't feel the need to wear singlets and squeeze my biceps every two seconds. Trust me uncle, they're attached and won't run off to elope with someone else's calf muscles. If I really wanted to bulk up, I'd down protein powder and in two months, you wouldn't have a chance against my delt caps! But then I'd be big and useless on the basketball court, and eventually I'd have saggy titties like you too.

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