Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Definition: Stupid

I dedicate these post to that amazingly fetid, intellectually-challenged, cranially-deficient over-evolved moss terrorising my roads: the KL driver. To celebrate the upcoming holiday season, it is with humble delight, great joy and lots of love that I wish to say:

.......and yo' mothafuckin momma.... as put so succinctly by social activist, musician and poet extraordinaire, the late Tupac Shakur. Seasons greetings and hope you have a happy new year. I humbly request that you reflect upon your exalted life thus far, and contemplate what irresponsibility it must have been for your whore of a mother to allow your retarded father that first kiss. You are an accident of nature, an unfortunate series of events that began with your illegal conception and ascended into pure insanity of another level the moment you were granted a driver's license.
Please do the responsible thing and stop this vicious cycle. Admit your illegitimacy, recognise the absence of logic in the cosmic order at your continued existence, and do everyone a favour by off-ing yourself. To ensure poetic justice, I recommend running yourself over with your own vehicle. It would be a brilliant end to a long, legendary career in stupidity.
Drivers in the Klang Valley are the most inconsiderate and dangerous bunch of people to ever tread the earth. I am of the humble opinion that they, along with the greedy, monobrow-ed, grunting neanderthals(who like to guzzle coffee paid by other people) at the Road Transport Department should be inserted head first into a wood chipper, gassed, or otherwise killed with the minimum of fuss.
You fit the definition in the title if you regularly behave thus:
1. Not using your turn signal when changing lanes. I don't care if you're already straddling the dotted line and you're in front of me, slowly attempting to nudge your nose into my lane. I will not let you in. I don't care if you're a harassed lady driver with two noisy children in the back, the driver of a huge MPV/SUV that is trying to bully me, or just a regular idiot Mercedes driver. I will drive you off the road before I let you in. That is not how you should occupy the space in front of my car. There is a stalk on your steering column, on the right for Japanese makes and on the right for European for you to INDICATE to someone that you wish to do so. Do you understand, boy? Or do you need me to explain it to you in baby talk?
If you have the temerity to give me a dirty/aggresive look when I accelerate and squeeze you back into your own lane, you shall have the opportunity to experience firsthand the exquisite visual pleasure of my middle finger.
Is it so hard to signal? If you stop reading here and immediately skip to the next paragraph, I shall know that you are one of those infernal drivers. You think that it's not important right? Well, you are a brainless, inconsiderate piece of dogshit. If you drive a Mercedes Benz and still do this, then you are a double piece of dogshit. I hope and pray that on a lonely road one day, a situation occurs that necessitates the deployment of ALL 8 of your airbags(and you are not wearing a seatbelt).Proves that your money was ill-gotten, and not the fruit of education and superior upbringing. Morons, all of you.
A variation of this is the idiot who indicates only after he's started to turn, or indicates the wrong direction, i.e. left signal and turns right.
2. Motorcyclist who rides in centre of road. Self-explanatory, I presume. Some even dare to ride in the fast lane, insistently oblivious to the backed-up traffic and the irritation of the driver directly behind them. Please stop doing this. I do not mean this personally, but your vehicle is slow. Please ride in A SINGLE FILE in the leftmost end of the leftmost lane, where you belong. I know you also pay road tax, but I pay more than you do, and you're blocking my road. Actually, you don't even pay road tax anymore if you're riding a small bike.
The next time you see a motorcyclist riding like this on the road, please encourage him to use the left lane with a liberal, generous, unbroken tone from your horn. Those with loud ones are especially encouraged to do this, even after he has changed lanes and given you the dirty look. Feel free to run him over if you're feeling pissed too. I really don't mind. Hell, go ahead and sodomise his wife, just remember to tell his children why you're doing it, to put the fear of God into them and make them responsible drivers when they grow up.
3. Lane hogging/drifting. I get a little annoyed when people do this. You know when some idiots drive half-in-half-out of his lane, so he in effect takes up two lanes? You know when some of them even deign to drive at the incredible, mind-warpingly quick speed of 0.0001km/h? They always look panicked and then try to accelerate in indignant self-righteousness whenever I take up the slack space in either lane(which they thought couldn't fit a car) and squeeze through at an amazingly dangerous(they think), horrifyingly large speed differential, say 40km/h faster than them.
And then there's the moron who thinks he can just drift into your lane whenever he's taking a corner. As I flip off the drivers with a friendly smile, I contemplate the possibility(because he's driving a big car) that his forefathers were wealthy people, and there's a secret society(like the Illuminati) consisting of all these rich people who acquire and aggregate power and money for the supreme goal of...... buying every square inch of road in Malaysia so that they can drive as they please. Hallo kawan, ini pandu kereta lah! Bukan main masak-masak. Pundek..... Is it any surprise again that the biggest perpetrators are the drivers of Mercedes-Benzes and Toyota Camrys? Just because they bully people that they don't bribe in everyday life, they think they can do that on the road too..... Oh, right. Never mind.
Sometimes you have hogs in the fast lane, who might be chatting on their mobile phones, or are uneducated in road manners, or just plain stupid. They drive slowly while traffic piles up behind. I think we should be kind and not bully them, because these are usually disabled people who are blind and deaf, and didn't your Pendidikan Moral teacher teach you to 'bertimbang rasa'?
How do I know they're disabled? Well they usually don't respond when I turn on my high beam and lean on my horn. That's why I have a scalpel in my glovebox. After I force them to hit a tree and they're unconscious with blood loss and severe chest trauma, I pull them gently(bertimbang rasa mah) from the 'well-engineered, amazingly safe, feature-packed, powerful and affordable' (cinta kepada negara) Proton, and use my scalpel to carve "please use the left lane. Thank you."(bersopan-santun) into their foreheads.
I have SUCH high morals. No wonder I got an 'A' for my SPM.
4. You slow down at on-ramps. You are an even bigger idiot than I imagined. If you care to notice the next time you are driving, properly designed on-ramps(the ramp that connects to a main road, i.e. the road from a "hentian sebelah" to the main highway") always slope downwards, and have plenty of space before they merge into the next lane. Why are they designed thus? Ask any civil engineer, and he/she will explain that it's to make it easy for you to accelerate and match the speed of traffic on the main road.
Why then, why in the whole wide world, does every motorist slow down at the bottom of the on-ramp and attempt to turn out immediately into the next lane? Oh, because you're careful.....
you going at 60 km/h while traffic is going 110 = careful?
"NAH!" *gives you finger*
The on-ramp has plenty of space for you to pick up the speed before joining traffic, you morons. You join traffic at the same speed that they're travelling to avoid accidents. It's also considerate if you don't force the car in the next lane to brake sharply or having to take any other evasive action.
I'll leave you to contemplate the four major indicators of stupidity. It doesn't matter if you've committed only one of the reprehensible crimes listed. It still means you have the IQ of a slug's foreskin, are totally disposable, and would be better off put to sleep in a kind humane manner(bertimbang rasa again) like slitting your throat with a rusty blade or bludgeoning with a sledgehammer.
Merry fucking christmas.

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