My friends are a bunch of sissy boys.

I am - to put it in a nice way - pissed off.

Why?
Because the faggots I decided to befriend once upon a time finally came out of their macho shell and decided to behave like the bent-over loose-bowel indecisive faggots that they are.

I can't, for the life of me, imagine why I got such faggot friends. Perhaps I was too popular in a past life and God wanted to teach me humility(and frustration and patience), or perhaps I have a personality that somehow attracts fucked-up faggots like the fucked-up fuckers that fucking profess to be my fucking friends.

WHAT?
Once upon a time(two months ago at most), I had the bright idea to bring all our friends together for a mad-ass holiday getaway to Phuket, Thailand. The main objective was to get my group of close (hah, yeah RIGHT!) friends together for a jaunt to a BEAUTIFUL tropical island to dive, eat, drink and make the acquaintances of a large number of attractive young ladies with loose bikini strings and morals.

I had the romantic, sentimental image of a bunch of good friends getting drunk, gorging on the wonderful Thai food, diving and gaping in awe at the stuff we would see underwater and babbling like idiots about the experience afterwards. After we arrived back on shore, we would make friends with a whole bunch of friendly foreign girls and proceed to have as much crazy wild uninhibited hedonistic fun as possible(in general, not just with the girls)..

As a rational, normal-thinking human being that has friends(or think you do, like me), tell me: Is that a bad idea for a good friend to have? I mean, if I were your friend, and I suggested we gather the rest of our friends and have a good time in Thailand, would you go,"Damn it Khai Tzer. I hate you. You want me to have fun? What kind of friend are you? Fuck off man, I really don't like people trying to get me to enjoy myself. And btw, I don't really want to see the rest of my good friends that I haven't seen in ages. You can tell them to shove it up their arse! I mean, maybe if you begged me or licked my balls or something, I might just think about it, no no, not agree, just think about it...."

It sounds crazy doesn't it? I swear to you there are no hidden catches I'm not telling you about. I have no ulterior motive(what ulterior motive can there be?!?!) other than to get them together and enjoy ourselves absolutely in Phuket. I thought out the entire thing to perfection:

1. The plan was to go in March 2006(enough time for them to apply for leave and clean up whatever's in their inbox)
2. We were going to book AirAsia very early(the prices were, are still are dirt cheap)
3. We were going to have the time of our lives(How could we not? I mean, it's Phuket!)

And yet, AND YET, my 'friends' managed to give me the sort of attitude like I detailed above. At first, I put it down to the usual chinese reflex of not automatically agreeing to anything, though it was a bit of an insult to do that to a supposed good friend. No matter, I brushed it off, sure it was just me being sensitive about feeling like I had to beg them to get them to have fun. But as one after another started acting like pussies, sissies, faggots, pondans, and motherfucking useless idiots with no use other than to be fertiliser for the earth when they finally die, I decided I'd had enough attitude from them, and I'm going to tell them fuck off, you can suck your own dick. I don't have the time for this.

At first the faggots were all enthusiastic as shit.

"WAH!! Phuket ah? GOOD GOOD! Damn long never go holiday liau! When are we going?"
"Seriously ah? And we have cheap tickets still? No need to think liau lah!"

etc. etc. You get the idea. And then...


..........their inherent pussiness started to come out. A few fellers started to talk with high-pitched faggot voices, their anuses loose from being fucked by men, and gave me the excuse that they didn't have a diving license. Note that all the involved parties agreed that scuba diving was god's gift to humans, and that we started discussing taking the license a full TWO years ago; Meanwhile, actual, concrete plans to get the license were in place at least one year ago. None of them had financial problems with regards to this. None of them were deprived of free time as they once enjoyed 3 week holidays at a stretch. In short, there were no acceptable reasons for not getting the license then.

NO MATTER. Being the ever-accomodating person that I am, I didn't even bring this up! I actually gave them options and would have gone out of my way to ask for them about getting the license. What did the pussies do? They behaved like below. I absolutely cannot believe it:

"But I also don't know where to get the license!" Says A
"Anywhere also can get lah. Don't worry." I reply. I was thinking, Dude, relax, it's just a dive license. We're not asking you to procure heroin. I got my license by asking around myself. It's not like the divemasters were hungry for business and begged me.
"You ask for me lah!" says A, with the sort of tone that sounded like,"What the fuck?! You didn't ask about it for me, and you have the balls to come and ask me to get the license? You didn't do your homework and you expect me to go diving?!?"

I swallowed it down and told him kindly,"okay okay I'll ask for you." I didn't even curse him mentally. I just took it and scolded myself for being too sensitive. Now that I think about it, is it my fucking business to ask about it for you? If you really wanted a dive license that bad, wouldn't you be the one asking me for contacts, how much it costs, where, is the instructor good, and all that sort of grilling? Nada, not a word, just the unspoken assumption that I was an asshole for not asking about it for him.

It didn't end like that. B, otherwise known as faggot number two, and I had this conversation many many many times:
".... But I'm stuck in Penang. How am I going to get a license?" Said in a plaintive tidak-apa tone that irritated me a bit. This was the first person I spoke to about seriously getting a license together ages ago.
"Why don't you join A, he said he'll be going in January to Tioman to get his license," I said.
"When is he going? Is it confirmed?"

What am I, his secretary?!?!?

"I think it's quite confirmed. Why don't you call him and ask when is he going."
"Eh why don't you tell him when you see him. Ask him when is he going."

*WHAT AM I? HIS SECRETARY?!?!

"Sure. sure. I'll tell him. But you call him too aight?"

I had this conversation with him, in one form or another, with this syntax or the other, on the phone, on IM , email, and all other possible form of communication short of telegraphs and smoke signals, many many many times.

When I saw A, I had this conversation with him. This conversation was also repeated many many many times.

"Hey dude. So how about the Phuket trip? Confirmed about the diving?" I have to give him credit that he was very cool about when we were going. I told him the date, he told me should be ok and he would confirm with me, and he did almost immediately. I respect him for his decisiveness doing that.
"I think January should be free lah. I will ask C about joining me for getting the dive license. Don't want him to blame me for not asking him."

I laughed at this, and told him that he was a fucking politician(he is, and I tell him that all the time), and that he was more worried about his friends blaming him than about them getting their license in time, like I was.

"So when do you want to go?" I asked.
"You asked for me already or not?" He would reply in that unctous 'little boy, you haven't done your homework so don't come and talk to me about it' tone. He wasn't bothered with it, like proactively asking me whether I had asked about it for him. He always used it as the standard defensive answer whenever I asked him when he was going to get the license. Should I give a damn about him losing out, not seeing the greatness of the ocean? No, but I did, and told him that B asked me to ask him when he was taking it.

"You ask for me first lah!! How I know?" He would invariably reply. "You ask B to call me lah."

WHAT AM I? HIS GODDAMNED FUCKING SECRETARY?!?!?!?

"Okay okay."

It was almost surreal the same conversation I would have with A and B concurrently. Each asking me to pass messages to the other like they never contacted each other, although they were from the same town, and both owned a modern appliance called the mobile phone. What's more, they each had the other's numbers!! Amazing! And I would have the same conversations repeatedly with each of them, each saying that the other didn't call him. And this was all over the issue of selecting a date, can you believe it?

I was the one urging both of them to go. I was the one who would call my diving contact. I was the one who had to ask each of them when they would be free. I would be the one to urge one to confirm with the other the date. Do I have to do this? Please read the last few paragraphs of this post to learn how I feel.

Let's talk about C, otherwise known as faggot #3. This one takes the cake. He was the champion procrastinator, champion excuse giver, and champion 'fong fei kei'(beg out, abandon) at the last possible moment. The best part was he wouldn't give you a straight out NO. He would never say No, I'm not interested, or even a more diplomatic I don't think I can make it. He would say,"I'll let you know later." and then he'd never let you know. That was his way of turning you down. We learnt about "I'll let you know know later." after a few confusing conversations ended like this. I didn't even bother asking him to join us beyond the one and only cursory invitation, because the result, as I expected, was that he steered the conversation into something else and never ended up telling me whether he was even interested or not. The one thing I managed to pin him down on(miraculously) was WHEN would he finally take his diving license. Now listen to this, it's hilarious.

"My mom won't let me."C, who is 24, says with a straight face, and the amazing thing is, it's not the first time he gave this excuse!
"What? Are you still in kindergarten?" I actually told him this to his face the last time I asked about it, manners be fucked.
"She says that this year is a bad year for me to go. She's been reading my fortune/seeing omen/ whatever that his mom does( I'm never really sure)".
"Dude, you gave me this exact same reason since the first time we were supposed to get the license together."

Now can you just imagine how loyal I am to my friends? If you know me from university, I am an absolutely evil person, and will pick on someone's faults and laugh and make fun of him until his soul is broken. People who know me from uni are always extra-wary when I am around. One friend labelled me "extreme fun, but too provocative."My sister knows this, but she still can't get used to it. She made the mistake of complaining to me that her friends laughed at her for looking like Chicken Little with a tiny body and a big head and the specs, expecting me to commiserate and sympathise. What did I do? I was driving when she told me this, and I immediately launched into the Numa numa song and waved my arms spastically like Chicken Little in the theatrical trailer....... I am EVIL. But imagine my loyalty and sensitivity when a grown 24 year old MAN tells me, in all seriousness, that his mom won't let him do something, and I not only refrain from laughing until the walls come down, but actually just brush it aside, preferring to take issue with him using the excuse too often instead.


"I know I know," he says kind of sheepishly. "I'll talk to her."

And thus the actual point of the conversation, which was to determine whether he wanted to join us on a fantastic trip to Phuket, was magically diverted into the realm of the occult and mother-son issues that Freud would have a wet dream over.

I stick to my conviction of not inviting him again.

D was a pussy sucker. I mean that not only literally, but figuratively. He would die for pussy. As the cantonese say,"waii haii sei." or "die for cunt". Once he had a girl in his targets, he was relentless in his pursuit and the convincing of his willingness to suckerifice for her. That's how he wooed his women, but it's not the issue here though, the issue is that he currently had another target that he wanted to prove he would die for, and thus friends were a temporary irritation. They only became assets on a lonely night when the girl was otherwise occupied and he was faced with the prospect of having dinner alone. I didn't even think about asking him.

E was the only solid yes. He took his dive license with me, agreed to the March date, and was only waiting for the rest to confirm so that we could go diving.

This story isn't finished. The last time I brought up the topic with B, the fucker actually asked me if we were going diving, as if we never had this conversation before, and said,"but i don't know how to dive. Why don't we go to Bangkok instead? Hehe." I neglected to tell you that he and I were the first people to discuss actually doing this trip.

Needless to say, I was less than pleased, and gave him a string of colourful expressions in English and his native HockChew, questioning the morals of his mother and her mistake in giving birth to a uselss piece of despicable flesh like him. And then we had the same conversation all over again.

Then 2 nights ago, (s)he told me,"You guys go ahead lah. blah blah blah pussy talk blah blah....."
What a pussy.

F, Faggot sissy-boy #4 gave the excuse of having a lot of work during that time(what the fuck, you know you're going to have so much work that you can't plan 5 months in advance to rearrange the work for a total of 4 workdays?) I spent a lot of time and managed to convince him to come along. It's not a surprise that he and B both work at the same company, it seems to hire only pussy sissy boys.

Now here's the deal. I want to go on a holiday. I love my friends and want them to come on holiday with me, so that we can actually have a good time together. That's my selfish motivation. Forgive me for wanting to share something great with my good friends. Do I deserve being made a sucker of by the people that I call my friends, having to cajole, convince and almost beg them to join me on what would probably be a really fun time together? Am I really that desperate?

Hell no. HELL NO. The 'bangkok' statement almost pushed me over the edge, and B actually bailing on us was the last straw. I don't give a fuck anymore. I'm not going to ask anyone, I'm not going to do shit. And by the way, if you don't get it yet, we're not fucking going to Phuket anymore.

I'm going to plan a holiday by myself, I'm going to a great place, meet great people and have a whale of a time, and I'll send them all postcards addressed to "dear faggot boy#1/2/3/4......", and laugh at them for living like stupid slaves and wasting their youth while I was out seeing the world, and then I'll wait for the first poor faggot boy who's stupid enough to tell me in a plaintive girlish hurt tone,"You're not right loh! Go to Argentina/Chile never ask/bring me!!" Boy I can't wait. He'll get an earful of beautiful words so rich, creative, and multilingual that when I'm finished he'll be Leonardo da Vinci.

As Eric Cartman of South Park would say in a whiny irritating voice,"Screw you guys, I'm going home."