Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Dog ah?

Can you, in good conscience, look at this picture on your left and tell me that it's a dog?

I can already hear the legions of spoilt princesses cooing and sighing," Aiyoh.... so cuuuuuuute! I oso want one. I'm gonna dress it up in pink to match the colour of my iPod Nano...."

This is a RAT. Am I the only one who can see the obvious? Look at the bulging eyes, oversized ears, and skinny tail. This animal belongs to the order rodentia. And it's not even an oversized one. I've seen rats in Melaka that make pitter-patter sounds when they run in and out of the drains, and this pseudo-canine doesn't even compare to the size of those.

I believe I speak for most guys when I say that we hate chihuahuas. Actually all small dogs in general. Terriers, Yorkies, Pomeranians. All those yippy, snappy, hyperactive, oversexed, useless little fuckers. Everytime I go over to Sheng Wai's house and see his laughably ludicrous, ugly-as-shit, idiotic, mad-looking pussy of a mini cocker spaniel, I have to quell the urge to cock my right foot and let fly with a banana kick ala Roberto Carlos. And I'm a dog lover, too, so you can imagine how ridiculous his dog looks.

But I digress. We're talking about chihuahuas. I read an article in The Star today about chihuahuas and how they're apparently all the craze this season. New Yorkers being the crazy people they are, I'm not surprised one bit they decided that rabies- and bubonic plague-carrying animals are suddenly must-have fashion accessories........Yes, chihuahuas are RATS. And that's that.

The article gets more and more surreal. People make bracelet sized dog collars studded with Swarovski crystals, and they're trying to breed ultra-small "teacup-sized" dogs weighing less than 2 kilos. A woman even got paid damages by a petshop when the dog she bought "ballooned" to a massive 4 kilos, and not the guaranteed 2 kilos or less.

So how, pray tell, can a girl(usually an airhead with a lot of
disposable cash) have a hysterical phobia to the common brown rat, rattus norvegicus, yet have an inordinate amount of affection towards the animal pictured above? Something doesn't tally. Either:

  • Rich girls are extraordinarily perceptive, and can discern some heretofore indiscernible and immensely redeeming quality about chihuahuas(& all other small dogs) that separate them from rats, OR
  • Rich girls are crazy.
Personally, I'm inclined to agree towards the latter.

*Sidenote: if you're one of those men-hating, oversensitive feminazis and you're reading this, please take all the offence that you see in this article and multiply it tenfold. I meant every sexist, gender-biased remark that you think you saw. After you're finished, please rub both lips of your dry, shrivelled up, ugly, unused inner labia together to set your pussy on fire. Tip: You can use your tough-as-wire lesbian pubic bush for kindling. While you're at it, go fuck yourself with a telephone pole.

Anyway, I get sick just seeing these silly little girls squealing with delight at rats with delusions of canine grandeur. For your information, chihuahuas serve no purpose. They don't guard the house, you can't bring them running when you're on a bicycle, they're ugly as hell, and my labrador might choke on one.

The only time I loved the image of a chihuahua was when I was at King's Cross station in London during early spring when it was really cold, and this really hot babe dressed in purple marched in step with her tiny, perfectly-trained pooch by her heel, dressed in a purple furry body warmer too, both of them with their heads held high. Wow.

You know what I'd love to see? I'd love to catch a chihuahua in heat and throw it into a pound filled with Dobermanns and Great Danes and Rottweilers. Boy oh boy. That would rock.

You want to see a dog? Look at the picture below of my dog, Panther. That's a dog. Not those sissy rats with confused identities you carry under your arm.

My dog, "Panther", and my hairy leg. We're at home on a cold morning, hence the mist.

No comments: