Thursday, January 26, 2006

You're from Tonga?

Does anyone notice that there's an international hottie scale? Your attractiveness depends - to a certain extent - on your nationality and race.

French? Ooooh.. Mais bien sur! Je veux couchez avec toi! You don't even have to ask that corny French phrase. Italian? Definitely. Spanish? In the blink of an eye. You're lucky if you're a male citizen of any of these countries. Just go "Yue 'ave lovly aizzz" and wait for the chicks to ask where you're from. "Moi? I yam Fghench." and you're bound to get laid at Patong beach. Everybody loves Frenchmen. Except the men from every other country in the world, of course. This is my own opinion, but I think that the French, Italian, and Spanish men rank highest on the international hot scale.

If you're British, however, you will practically own the Asian niche market. The notion of being British is enough to ensure you drown in poontang if you're frequenting any club in Kuala Lumpur or Singapore City. Your age/ looks/ wealth/ manners don't matter a whit. You just have to be white and British. And it's much better to be English-British. It's apparently hotter than being Welsh or (god forbid) Scottish. Honestly, the women are equally stupid/materialistic in both cities. But then that's just the jealous Asian side of me grumbling when I see a 40-year old paunchy bald guy behaving lewdly with a trio of giggling Chinese hotties making slutty eyes. You don't trick me, I've been to the UK, and I know you're all a bunch of phonies.

So anyway, if you're British, work the Asian market. KL, Singapore, Hongkong, Bangkok, Shanghai. It's worth it. Oh, and it works if you go to America and Australia, too. But you have to remember to elucidate properly. "Bri-Tush" instead of "Bri-'ish". Speak the Queen's Own and it's like a direct button on American G-spots. Do NOT, under any circumstances, do the same in Europe. Your neighbours are wise to your tricks. They hate you, especially if you're English. British men rank at the bottom of the Hot Scale in Europe.

Next, the Japanese. You guys are hot, too, anywhere in Asia where there are young Chinese. Doesn't matter if you're male or female. Everytime I utter the phrase "my japanese friend.....", whoever's listening will invariably cut me off with "is he/she cute?"

Fuck you man. Your grandfather probably tortured my grandfather. Now you're CUTE?!? Diau!

Hehe. Just kidding. Japanese girls are so AWESOME!!! Especially the obedient "hai... hai....." ones. *sigh* Anyway, if you're Japanese, prey on the Chinese everywhere (as you have done historically. Only now the Chinese girls will willingly give up their poon to you). Just watch out for your Korean neighbours. Those rough-sounding buggers are chasing your ass on the hot-scale.

Hot-male countries: France, Italy, Spain, Brazil, Jamaica, England, Japan, South Korea.

Hot-female countries: Japan, Thailand, China, Iran(yes, Arab ladies are undeniably gorgeous, but sadly inaccessible) Sweden, Russia, and any other latin-american country. All men believe that latin women have perfect bodies and a feisty attitude. Hot!

Next, un-sexy countries to originate from if you're male: Scotland, India, Cambodia, Nepal, Bhutan, Bangladesh, Mexico, Vatican City, any Arab country, and any country that ends with -stan. Apparently dark skin isn't that hot. Doesn't help if you're associated with illegal foreign workers or religion too.

Un-sexy countries for girls to be born in: The Phillipines, Germany, Australia, America, The UK (but personally I love English women. A lot of them are cute, they're sluttier and they hunt you instead of vice versa).

Unsexy countries for both sexes: Israel, Singapore, any Pacific island(Hi! I'm from Tonga!), any African nation, Laos, New Zealand, Malaysia.

Yes. Face up to it my friends. Our pussy government, after almost half a century of independence, still has not established a national identity, and as a result, we men are stuck when it comes to easy romance overseas. Write to your member of parliament and urge him to pass legislation demanding the propagation of the image of virile Malaysian men. If Marlboro can do it, we sure as hell can. Of course, it's much harder than making the world's largest Roti Canai. But no pain no gain right? Also, when we're out of the country, be more daring! Boldly pick up women. Even if it doesn't work, make sure they know you're Malaysian. Don't behave like the pussies you are back home, tiptoe-ing around women and accompanying them shopping at MNG and carrying their bags and "fetching them from work". LOL. The last one always cracks me up.

But I know ONE country where Malaysian men are hot, because they've never heard of us, and I actively and succesfully propagated that image as one of the first they've ever met. And it's a country that is REALLY filled with knockout women. In that place, Malaysian men OWN the hated French. But I'm not going to tell you where. Ask me in person, and if I think you're man enough, I'll tell you.

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